Advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: fall river ma
Posts: 1
Advice
Hello all,
Thanks for letting me join. I am feeling a little confused right now. I am currently 13 years in recovery and have worked as a nurse in substance abuse for 11 years. I am struggling right now with letting go of someone dear to my heart.
I think I am in my own denial. I have known my sons dad for 30 years now. Years and years we could never make our relationship work. However, we did try again 5 years ago. Problem is we are on different paths in life. I got sober and he didn't. Of course when he came back into my life everything was great. Then about a year later the demon reared its ugly head. He has to drink beers everyday and cocaine on occasion. A year ago we split. My life has gone on and I am still sober. Recently I heard he is with a girl he had been with years ago. I feel disappointed about the fact he couldn't change for me but will change for her????? I know that is not true. I just need a little advice right now to get through this.
Thanks
Thanks for letting me join. I am feeling a little confused right now. I am currently 13 years in recovery and have worked as a nurse in substance abuse for 11 years. I am struggling right now with letting go of someone dear to my heart.
I think I am in my own denial. I have known my sons dad for 30 years now. Years and years we could never make our relationship work. However, we did try again 5 years ago. Problem is we are on different paths in life. I got sober and he didn't. Of course when he came back into my life everything was great. Then about a year later the demon reared its ugly head. He has to drink beers everyday and cocaine on occasion. A year ago we split. My life has gone on and I am still sober. Recently I heard he is with a girl he had been with years ago. I feel disappointed about the fact he couldn't change for me but will change for her????? I know that is not true. I just need a little advice right now to get through this.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
Well, it is possible the demon may rear it's ugly head again with the girlfriend. It's not your issue any more, but I can understand why you would feel hurt. I would just focus on what you're doing for your own recovery and happiness. 
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi and welcome tytayoung 
I think what you're feeling is pretty common...
I feel you need to take yourself out of the equation tho - you didn't cause his addiction, you couldn't control it, and you couldn't cure it.
Maybe now your ex is ready to shoulder that load himself...or maybe this is another abortive attempt in the making where he's doing it for someone else and his heart's not really in it...I'd hope it the former but who knows?
Either way, you're free and running your own life again, and that has to be a good thing....good things must be right ahead, if not already there
I'm glad you've joined us
D
I think what you're feeling is pretty common...
I feel you need to take yourself out of the equation tho - you didn't cause his addiction, you couldn't control it, and you couldn't cure it.
Maybe now your ex is ready to shoulder that load himself...or maybe this is another abortive attempt in the making where he's doing it for someone else and his heart's not really in it...I'd hope it the former but who knows?
Either way, you're free and running your own life again, and that has to be a good thing....good things must be right ahead, if not already there
I'm glad you've joined us
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome to SR, tytayoung! I'm glad you made it here. I can empathize with your plight! Firstly it's not clear that he is changing for her. I mean, he "changed" for you temporarily but it didn't stick. You must know by now that no one changes permanently until they decide to for themselves.
And if he does change now it's not a slap in the face to you, it's probably just that he's finally ready. We all know that person that's a serial dater that never wants to settle down. They dump someone because they're not ready to settle down, then marry the next person they date!
So often the "near miss" gets them thinking, and that thinking is the catalyst for a change that's been long coming.
I hope you can get through this without beating yourself up. You put it well- we each have a different path. Sometimes we meet someone special and walk together for a time. And sometimes their path and ours diverges eventually. Such is life.
Just stick to your own path and keep on with your sobriety. I'm glad you came to SR, and I hope we see more of you, tytayoung.
And if he does change now it's not a slap in the face to you, it's probably just that he's finally ready. We all know that person that's a serial dater that never wants to settle down. They dump someone because they're not ready to settle down, then marry the next person they date!
So often the "near miss" gets them thinking, and that thinking is the catalyst for a change that's been long coming.I hope you can get through this without beating yourself up. You put it well- we each have a different path. Sometimes we meet someone special and walk together for a time. And sometimes their path and ours diverges eventually. Such is life.
Just stick to your own path and keep on with your sobriety. I'm glad you came to SR, and I hope we see more of you, tytayoung.
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