Shaking and Furious
 

Did not want this to be my first post on the newbie forum but I am in bits atm.

About to go away fro 6 days to gallicia for my best friends wedding, I have been sober 10 days - at my boyfriends insistence.

About ten minutes ago I like an idiot brought up the topic my of drinking and he just let rip about how awful it is and how he feels he has to be the responsible adult. He said he doesn't want to be in a relationship like that so I asked him why he was, he said cuz he loves me, I asked him why he doesn't just go get someone he doesn't have to worry about that with.

Everything he said about my drinking is probably true and thats why I am so angry and hurt and furious but I really wish right now that I was single and not with him.

I'm fed up that ALL the problems in the relationship seem to be about me, my depression, my mental health issues my drinking.

I am the one with a full time job, doing an MA and starting a PHD in october, my money keeps us going. In the 3 and a half years we've been together he's worked for only a year and that I had to beg him to do. Any time I mention it to him he says he has anxiety and that its baby steps for him and he brushes all my worries and fears away like its nothing.

He says we cant have kids because IM not ready. I'd be happy to quit drinking to have kids and im getting to the point of no return on that score now.

We have to pack, I have 1,000 words to write for my essay before the end of the night and I am shaking and crying. He is swanning round the house whistling and smiling like nothing effects him.

I don't know if I am unhappy in this relationship because of my issues or because I dont want to be in a relationship.

i don't know HOW I am going to pack and look forward to going away or ow I can face writing this 1,000 words that NEED done.

I just keep thinking that 5 years ago I wasn't in this position and was with someone who loved me for me, and I didn't have a drink problem.

How am I supposed to go away with him when I can't look him in the eye and everyone will be drinking for 6 days.

I know I'm whining, I'm sorry - I'm just at the end of my tether.

Crysalis, welcome to the newbie section!

I know my emotions were all over the place for months when I started out. I was single but bet it is difficult trying to balance your own emotions/feelings while trying to be supportive and respectful of a partners.

It sounds like you have a lot going on right now. What are you doing to take care of yourself and maintain your sobriety? This early on those need to be a priority.

I am sure somebody will be by soon who has been through a similar situation. In the meantime I am glad you are here! and I hope you read around the forum a bit.

If your drinking is a problem and it sounds like it may well be you probably need to focus on that before your head will be in a place to deal with other aspects of your relationship. I wouldn't make any life changing decisions till you have resolved the drink issue. Huge hugs by the way.

Not sure what more to say as there are so many aspects to what your dealing with I wouldn't know where to start and what would be helpful to you.

Early recovery is tough, even when you aren't having problems with your relationship. No advice there. But if you are only getting sober because your bf is insisting and not for yourself, you are bound to struggle at the wedding. You might even drink. You sound close to drinking now.

I too worry about it being at his insistence. It is tough to stick at and it really has to be for you.

Let me start with a dislcaimer : I do not know shite from shinola about getting ones shite together.

But maybe take one problem at a time, after a few really deep breaths.
I'd suggest the essay first, this post had to be at least a few hundred so words will come, is there a specific topic? a creative writing assignment ? passions can help the words flow
Packing shouldn't be too hard unless you are planning to do some shopping, if not everything you will take is there, yes?
Cancelling the trip, if need be, isn't impossible, would certainly be difficult, but not impossible.
Handling the future of your relationship probably can't be solved today, not sure if it needs to be, but refer to the disclaimer
You quit ten days ago , so that is done, no need or good could come from starting again, yeah?
I'd start with the essay , wish you well , oh yeah dont forget the deep breaths :)

What Ditzy and Carl said .... IMHO, you need to focus on you for some months until you are reliably sober. The rest will fall into place after that. Thinking about relationships doesn't work well under the influence. You sound like you are high functioning - as I was - but it's way too easy for us to think we can handle things as they are. Please consider working on yourself for now.

I will not be drinking today. Thats all I know.

Thank you DW - I breathing helps! I think I forgot that for a bit there :)

You're right I will go look at my work with an eye on this forum and try to do at least a couple of hundred words.

Then I will send it off as is, I think I need a break

Thank you
x

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better.

Have you considered not going to the wedding and instead, focusing on you and your recovery? It sounds like the trip with the boyfriend and the wedding itself will be difficult for you. As others have said, focus on staying sober and the relationship issues can be dealt with later with a clear head.

:hug: :grouphug: Your not an idiot !

I agree I wouldn't go and it sounds like the space would be much needed

Have you considered couples therapy

Thanks Anna

I have to go to the wedding - I am the bridesmaid - the only one - and the dress is bought - the flights and hotels - we leave tomorrow morning. I couldn't do that to my best friend.

You and DD are right clearing my head and sorting my issues might make things clearer in the long run, its just a lot on my mind right now - it's hard to take.

Thank you Axiom I should be taking care of myself - I haven't eaten yet today and am so mad I don't really want to - but yeah Ill eat a piece of toast or something before I look at my work again.

Having all this stress is what provoked my drinking, the stress won't be going away but the drinking can, maybe it will help. Am just very frustrated atm - thanks to all of you who have replied - it really helped x

Thanks wolf, we talked about it ages ago - I think I will make that a priority upon our return also.

Learning to deal with the stress is the toughest part. Drinking does generally make it worse too, so you are correct that stopping can help.

Try breaking things down into small steps....you cannot fix everything at once. And making sure you are getting enough food and rest is key too, anxiety gets much worse on an empty stomach or a tired mind.

We are all here to offer support and a place to vent a little. Sometimes just a little time out and a chat can help get perspective and maybe a few ideas to take with you.

Loved this :)

Thanks all and I mean it.

Am still gutted but have ordered myself a salmon bento box online on my credit card (better than ordering a bottle of wine).
Eating, I think, will help. And sleep later. I am not good at taking care of myself - and would not have without input from you guys.
Everything else will come no doubt.

Thanks again

:hug: Crysalis

Hi Crysalis- :grouphug:

You will get through this! And, getting through something stressful without picking up a drink will give you a boost of self-confidence (my personal experience). :)

When I stopped drinking, I had to be very careful about going too long without eating- my moods were really all over the place if I did so.

Your bento box sounds great- hoping it will help you feel a bit better after taking care of yourself a bit.

Don't look back. You're not going that way.

Love this.

:hug: