newhope01

I'm not sure exactly what happened, but somehow I broke my routine.

I had to go on short term disability back in June and was prescribed hydrocodone to deal with the pain. Due to the immense amount of antibiotics I was on, I could no longer exercise.

So, I was on my back unable to work or go to the gym. I think this break in my routine combined with my AV being awoken by the pain medication I was prescribed caused me to start drinking again. I fell off the wagon hard.

And I can't seem to get back on. This is scary for me as I can't seem to stop drinking. I haven't drank this hard ever in my entire life. I've created this new routine of being perpetually drunk rather than functioning as a sober person.

I understand that nothing changes if nothing changes but I can't seem to break this rut I'm in.

I don't want to be this person. I know I can be a better person.

soberclover

Newhope01 do not accept the fact that you cannot stop drinking. YOU CAN. You have to want sobriety really really bad and be willing to do absolutely anything to achieve this. Throw out the alcohol. Continue to reach out for support like you are doing now. You can do this. This is your AV's line of BS it is feeding you to make you think negatively like this. Do this and become the better person you know you are.

Soberwolf

Are you saying this is a day 1

newhope01

Yes, unfortunately, it is day 1 again.

newhope01

You know the worst part about all of this is that I have not suffered one hangover or withdrawal symptom.

Its as if my body is adjusting to it and my liver and renal system has just given up on me.

ccam1973

Newhope, you can do this. Do what ever it takes to not drink today. You know how to get your life back, use the tools you have built in the past.

You have the power to make this change. When your AV starts to chime in, do anything to divert your attention and let the wave pass.

Stay strong.

Anna

I hope you can see things in a more positive light. You're lucky to not have withdrawals to deal with. And, you do have the ability to stop drinking, now, today. It may feel like you don't, but you do. Start a new healthy routine today and stick with it.

newhope01

Im trying Anna.

Just so miserable and feel so guilty all I can muster myself to do is read here and watch CNN.

At least I finally ate something.

Soberwolf

Dude I admire you I said it in hope this was a day 1 I'm glad you made it back in glad your ok were here for you bud every step of the way

newhope01

Thanks soberwolf, I really appreciate your kindness.

Just feel so stupid to find myself in this situation again.

This morning at 4AM when I woke up curled around my cat, I had the thought how did I get to to this point. Then slam my hand to my forehead, "oh yeah, I'm an alcoholic!" I can't drink!

thomas11

HI newhope, that's a tough one and I feel for you. I hope you can pull out of it soon. This likely won't help, but I'll mention it anyway. I was prescribed oxycodone a couple months ago and that, along my injury(s), STOPPED me from drinking. Too many horror stories of people mixing opiates with booze and not waking up. Something to consider.

newhope01

Yes, the synergistic effect of mixing booze and opiates is scary. I also have a Rx for benzodiazepines due to a panic disorder and that shouldn't be mixed with booze either.

It triggered me into a downward spiral, it didn't stop me as I purposely started mixing them bc I liked potentiating the effects of the opiates. But, I flushed those and won't be getting more.

Like, I said, kind of stupid. Anything for a buzz I guess huh?

dwtbd

Anything AND Everything, that's what the AV is willing to spend of Y our life to get that buzz, by my book keeping that is too damn costly. The temporary effects of intoxication just cost too much(in body and soul), and the only relief from the temporary is to make it permanent, either way I'd be trading my literal life away for the "buzz" , eff the buzz, it's not worth it. We are though, eff the buzz.

newhope01

I don't know how I am going to face my clients tomorrow.

Such a hypocrite.

dwtbd

Not sure about the hypocrite part, but you sound like someone as prone to addiction as I am. You can choose to end the active addiction and then plan to not rengage.

newhope01

I work in the counseling field often working with people who suffer from addiction and it's our job to help folks with their addictions. So, I sling all this advice and then turn around and get loaded.

Yeah, I'd say I'm a hypocrite.

dwtbd

I have a pet rock named Quit, you could kill two birds with it

Or let the AV keep convincing yourself you are a hypocrite and not worth it, which is BS, take the rock you deserve it

newhope01

^^

Thanks, I'll take your pet rock.

dwtbd

You can certainly borrow it , but it comes with a semi-wordy pamphlet all about "no matter what" , there is a clause in there about no matter what , even if routines that tend to be comforting get snafued.

newhope01

Super craving right now... Trying to let it pass as I know it will.

Sometimes I ask myself, "what will I get out of drinking right now?" A transient brief buzz followed by long periods of guilt, shame, and remorse. What's the point? Why do I have to keep going back to the bottle? I know its an empty existence.

I feel so awful.. one of my co-workers just asked me if I am feeling okay due to all the times I have called out. I don't even know what to say.