zackman

I'm back again as always. I'm having so much trouble with drinking, obviously. It's worse now than ever. Yes, I've taken steps in the right direction over the last few months. I've been seeing an addiction counselor. I took a month of medical leave from work and checked into rehab. All of my friends and family were very very supportive of my decision. But, rehab only lasted 4 days until I left. No one really knows I left. I've been at my house since and I keep getting texts from friends saying they're proud of me, which of course makes me feel worse. The place just triggered my O.C.D. tremendously. I felt claustrophobic and am still glad I left even though I feel embarrassed. It was like a bad hippie compound. I actually did have 6 days sober, then my wife leaves me because of me leaving rehab. And that was THE only reason she left. She just kind of gave up on me. I can't blame her but still was shocked. I went because of her, our daughter, who is my whole world, and knowing I needed to get well for myself too. I plan on calling my boss tomorrow and seeing if I can come back early and basically lie saying I'll finish with out patient. I do work in a somewhat informal work environment and keep in mind I left voluntarily and anyone at work was totally unaware of any problem. I've made up to a dozen honest attempts to get myself together without success. I have considered suicide but could never do that to my family. My wife did come home but it's just not the same. I just feel hopeless.

Dee74

Hi Zackman

Have you considered the way forward might be NOT to lie?

Secrecy breeds the prime conditions for addivction to continue.
Lying only compounds the problem - being honest about it would bring the problem out in the open.

If rehab is not an option for you have you thought of checking out AA or some other recovery group?

D

thomas11

^^^That makes me believe that you are acutely aware of your situation. I agree with Dee about the honesty. Lying and denial are dark behaviors, that you don't have to do when you get sober and try hard to stay that way. My honest opinion is that it sounds like you are unable to accomplish it on your own, so maybe trying to head back to inpatient would be your best option if still available. Wish you the best.

Zufrieden

Thanks Dee for the reminder. Deception is almost my norm after many years of practicing it. I still feel myself preparing an alternate versions of daily events before I realize that I didn't do anything that shames me.... Deception was a cornerstone to remaining in the grasp of booze. Great reminder.
Jonathan

MythOfSisyphus

Time to hit the brakes, Zachman. Dee is right, time to stop lying and fess up. Can you get back into rehab? Don't wait until you've lost even more. Don't think it can't get any worse, because it can and will if you don't take the steps to prevent it.