Sdharris04

I just joined and have been in a live in relationship for over 2 years. We were actually engaged. We were both divorced I have two kids he has one. (My oldest of 13 can't stand him for the way he has treated me) He was 5 years sober, we started a business and 1 year later it failed. He started drinking. Drove home drunk flipped his car. That's when it started, Dui/reckless driving. We were great before it happened for one year. Soulmates and best friends. So now to present moment. Three wrecks and hospitizated. Sober for 90 days and two months ago he started again. Brought all the fear back and I shut down. I asked him to move out so we could have space from all the fighting. I didn't like the anger. It was like Dr.Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I was not with the same man. Verbally mean or I should say texting. Always saying I was cheating in reality it was just stuff he was putting in his head. He started going to AA meetings because he said I am the one and he loves and cares about me and don't want to lose me. At this point he is not living at home. In a motel, he actually has a stable job but can't afford his bills. His son lives with ex wife most of the time, but the fighting is not health for the kids. I talk to his sponsor and he tells me not to enable him. It is so hard..I love and care about him and I try to stay strong and firm..he is not allowed home until I see he wants to change. He suffers from depression as well so when he goes cold turkey he needs something to numb so he smokes weed. He says helps take away the dts and he don't crave alcohol. I honestly don't care about the weed. But I have asked him not to smoke because he needs to find out why he needs to numb. I am lost at this point. I know i am not perfect. I have always been a strong independent person and I feel so weak. All I want to do is cry. I feel like if I am not supportive I am giving up on us. When I say I need space he says ok I will just go find someone else. Which he knows will hurt me. I have gone to Al-Anon meetings and they have helped, but when you are actually put to the test you are afraid to make the jump. I have been communicating with him despite my parents and his sponsor telling me not too. I feel if I show I care at less he won't feel lost..but probably still enabling him. He says he will do anything to get back what we had. So I told him to get a clear head, keep the space and we will see how that goes. He said he would even do therapy to work on us. He said he has hit rock bottom and wants to be healthy again. Should I believe this or wait for actions to prove it. I have heard the sorry's and I will quit before. Advice is greatly appreciated

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm sorry for your situation.

Try to not listen to the words right now. Stand back and watch for changes that you can see in him. Is he holding his job, finding a place to live, being a good father to his son?

Most importantly, focus on you and your children.

Sdharris04

If no alcohol, he is great with all the kids. He is currently holding this job..but when the business failed he went through 3. Plus with be making the income in the family and always will make more, due to my profession. He has problems with that. Thank you for your feedback.

FreeOwl

I would say that your post brought a few things up for me, I'll share them for your reflection;

1 - I hope you're actively seeking support and healthy activity and outlets for YOU. Rather than focus on what you can or should be doing for him, I encourage you to ask that same question in your own direction.

2 - My own experience of struggling with alcohol taught me that I couldn't mix sobriety and marijuana. It was never something I had a 'problem' with - but allowing it into my life became a crutch and an escape from really working my sobriety and becoming the man I really am inside. It also opened the door back to drinking and made me that much more vulerable to my own alcoholic thinking.

3 - I'm sorry you're going through this and the children, too. I hope that both you and he will seek out in earnest absolutely everything you can to live as healthy and wholly as possible.

Welcome.

advbike

Welcome! He needs to take steps to stay clean and sober. In the meantime you probably should keep some space between you or he will slip back. Have you posted in the friends and family section? You will find support there for these types of issues.

Dee74

There is some great advice here sdharris

I know it's painful and I understand that you still love this guy but talk is cheap in this context - believe me I've been there.

Like Anna suggested I'd wait for continued and constant action on his part before I'd consider going back into the relationship, for your kids sake and for yours.

D

Soberwolf

Welcome

Sdharris04

thank you all for your kind words.

Sdharris04

My goal is to stay strong and put focus on myself and my kids. He knows my boundaries and knows I will not allow an us until he has proven that he is ready to commit to a change. Hopefully in the end it will work out. I feel at this point it is in gods hands.