Needle in Arm
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 5
Needle in Arm
I never thought I would be posting on one of these sites but I really need help. Most people know that a heroin addicts story is by no means short, but I will try and keep it brief.
Four best friends grew up just North of Boston. One, started using marijuana at age 12 and slowly fell into harder and harder drugs. None of us really knew the extent of our friends addiction until he became homeless. His family has tried pretty much everything that they could have. They have taken him to rehab, sober houses, bought him food, clothes, etc. He has been arrested but was released back onto the streets. He plots, schemes, lies, steals, you name it. We have tried everything as friends from offering to buy him new clothes, let him shower, give him food, help him get sober and on his feet again. But he doesn't want any of it.
Fast forward to tonight. The three of us are out in town when we walk up on him sleeping on the street. One of us takes his backpack and goes through it and and finds needles and lots of things to tie off with. We toss that stuff and put his backpack back. We then go to the store and buy him more food than he could carry. We deliver the food and wake him. He was clearly high and unappreciative. We tried talking to him for the 10,000th time, just wouldn't register. So we left.
As we are walking away we decide maybe it would work if we "make" him listen to us. We are all very emotional as he is our brother, we grew up together since we were 5 years old and we are now 29. We started trying to talk to him and he wouldn't listen. One of us threw a traffic cone at him and he just laughed. At one point one of us hit him in the leg with the cone and he fell to the ground. I tried to talk to him as he rolled up a joint. He dropped the joint on the ground and bent over to pick it up, thats when I put my foot on it and said listen to us for a minute. At that point he was still bent over and put his hands on my waist to push me away. I immediatly put him into a headlock and took him to the ground, repeating "Just listen to us, just listen", the other two had him in leg locks. He kept talking over me and at one point I just let go and walked away. The other two continued to try and talk to him and pinning him up on a fence and grabbing and restraining him.
My point of the story is this, we clearly lost control. We lost control of our emotions and each other. At no point should any three of us thought about taking it to that level or not stopping the others if they did. Its clear from my past life experience and research that nobody can help him, nobody. I am starting to think that "he" cannot even help himself. Based on my recollection of him prior to when he said he starting using opiates there is clearly some mental illness there.
I have spoken to his family regarding an involuntary admission for 60 days, but nothing ever comes of it. Plus, he has been in and out so many times I KNOW he would just go right back to it......because he doesn't want to be clean.
I am nervous that we took it way to far. Too far that even if he gets sober he will hate us. I don't want the last time we see him to be this. I am worried for him.
At what point do I realize STOP worrying or trying to fix it and START accepting this is his fate.....by choice.
Four best friends grew up just North of Boston. One, started using marijuana at age 12 and slowly fell into harder and harder drugs. None of us really knew the extent of our friends addiction until he became homeless. His family has tried pretty much everything that they could have. They have taken him to rehab, sober houses, bought him food, clothes, etc. He has been arrested but was released back onto the streets. He plots, schemes, lies, steals, you name it. We have tried everything as friends from offering to buy him new clothes, let him shower, give him food, help him get sober and on his feet again. But he doesn't want any of it.
Fast forward to tonight. The three of us are out in town when we walk up on him sleeping on the street. One of us takes his backpack and goes through it and and finds needles and lots of things to tie off with. We toss that stuff and put his backpack back. We then go to the store and buy him more food than he could carry. We deliver the food and wake him. He was clearly high and unappreciative. We tried talking to him for the 10,000th time, just wouldn't register. So we left.
As we are walking away we decide maybe it would work if we "make" him listen to us. We are all very emotional as he is our brother, we grew up together since we were 5 years old and we are now 29. We started trying to talk to him and he wouldn't listen. One of us threw a traffic cone at him and he just laughed. At one point one of us hit him in the leg with the cone and he fell to the ground. I tried to talk to him as he rolled up a joint. He dropped the joint on the ground and bent over to pick it up, thats when I put my foot on it and said listen to us for a minute. At that point he was still bent over and put his hands on my waist to push me away. I immediatly put him into a headlock and took him to the ground, repeating "Just listen to us, just listen", the other two had him in leg locks. He kept talking over me and at one point I just let go and walked away. The other two continued to try and talk to him and pinning him up on a fence and grabbing and restraining him.
My point of the story is this, we clearly lost control. We lost control of our emotions and each other. At no point should any three of us thought about taking it to that level or not stopping the others if they did. Its clear from my past life experience and research that nobody can help him, nobody. I am starting to think that "he" cannot even help himself. Based on my recollection of him prior to when he said he starting using opiates there is clearly some mental illness there.
I have spoken to his family regarding an involuntary admission for 60 days, but nothing ever comes of it. Plus, he has been in and out so many times I KNOW he would just go right back to it......because he doesn't want to be clean.
I am nervous that we took it way to far. Too far that even if he gets sober he will hate us. I don't want the last time we see him to be this. I am worried for him.
At what point do I realize STOP worrying or trying to fix it and START accepting this is his fate.....by choice.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
What a beautiful post to read how much you all care for your friend. It is also heartbreakingly sad because you are right, no one can do this for him, he has to do this for himself.
There is a friends and family section here that you may want to post in as well.
One thing I can say is that although you are so incredibly kind to continue to stick by him and help him out you may in fact be enabling his behavior by always offering him a soft spot to land. Maybe once the availability of a warm shower and couch, the food deliveries and the new wardrobes stop he will look around and see that he is the only one who can help himself.
The thing to remember is that your friend has a serious illness, his addiction is not him, he is still in there. You can love him and be supportive of positive steps he takes for his own recovery without bailing him out every time he gets close to bottom.
I would also suggest checking out the local NA an al-anon meetings. You could stop the food and shelter offers but offer instead to go with him to a meeting. You could offer to take him to an inpatient detox center. You could offer to exercise with him, take a walk, go for coffee (even offering the coffee on your dime) to stay with him when he is having a hard time.
There are many ways to support your friend without enabling him. It is heartbreaking and will be so painful for you to stand up and say ENOUGH, but it just may be what needs to happen.
Best of luck to you. And thank you, as an addict myself (alcohol) I cannot tell you how much the support, patience and love of those close means to us.
There is a friends and family section here that you may want to post in as well.
One thing I can say is that although you are so incredibly kind to continue to stick by him and help him out you may in fact be enabling his behavior by always offering him a soft spot to land. Maybe once the availability of a warm shower and couch, the food deliveries and the new wardrobes stop he will look around and see that he is the only one who can help himself.
The thing to remember is that your friend has a serious illness, his addiction is not him, he is still in there. You can love him and be supportive of positive steps he takes for his own recovery without bailing him out every time he gets close to bottom.
I would also suggest checking out the local NA an al-anon meetings. You could stop the food and shelter offers but offer instead to go with him to a meeting. You could offer to take him to an inpatient detox center. You could offer to exercise with him, take a walk, go for coffee (even offering the coffee on your dime) to stay with him when he is having a hard time.
There are many ways to support your friend without enabling him. It is heartbreaking and will be so painful for you to stand up and say ENOUGH, but it just may be what needs to happen.
Best of luck to you. And thank you, as an addict myself (alcohol) I cannot tell you how much the support, patience and love of those close means to us.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Boston
I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you found us - this is a great place for support.
It's very hard to be a friend watching someone you live fall deeper and deeper into the muck, and I know I've been in situations like yours (on both sides of the divide) that did not go well.
I hope your friend gets the moment of clarity I did - I saw myself dying and I didn't want that for me.
There are lots of other success stories here too, so they really do happen believe me.
Sounds to me like you need support too tho - have you considered something like NarAnon? It supports the friends and loved ones of addicts with a 12 step programme.
We also have our own Family and Friends forums too
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family
- there's absolutely nothing wrong with posting here, but they are well worth looking at too
You're not alone in this. I know you'll find some great understanding and help
D
I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you found us - this is a great place for support.
It's very hard to be a friend watching someone you live fall deeper and deeper into the muck, and I know I've been in situations like yours (on both sides of the divide) that did not go well.
I hope your friend gets the moment of clarity I did - I saw myself dying and I didn't want that for me.
There are lots of other success stories here too, so they really do happen believe me.
Sounds to me like you need support too tho - have you considered something like NarAnon? It supports the friends and loved ones of addicts with a 12 step programme.
We also have our own Family and Friends forums too
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family
- there's absolutely nothing wrong with posting here, but they are well worth looking at too
You're not alone in this. I know you'll find some great understanding and help
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
Really feeling where you are at Boston247. My partner's daughter is a heroin addict and we've been on this journey with her for many years. From my own recovery I learned Jails, Institutions, and Death are the options for those who don't get clean. She has been in jail as well as institutionalized. The reality is that it hasn't "worked" so far. WE want her clean and SHE doesn't. SHE has to be the one to do the change. For whatever reason she isn't ready yet and we are starting to wrap our minds around death as being the possibility. I strongly suggest you do more research around "enabling". I found that this helped me a lot with acceptance around this situation. Glad you are here friend.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I'm sorry about your friend, Boston. Sounds like he's almost a brother. It's great that he has friends like you, it sounds like he needs them. On some level he needs to make the decision on his own but a nudge might help. You might want to check out the friends and family section.
Welcome to SR!
Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Boston,
Welcome to the forum!
Sorry to hear that your friend is not ready for help from his three good friends.
About all you can do is to continue to offer recovery, at some point he will be ready for recovery help, then, and only then, will rehab do any good - he has to want it for himself.
In the meantime, you and your friends could probably use some support; this forum is a good place to start as are Nar Anon meetings.
Nar Anon is a 12 step, support group for friends and families of addicts. There you will find a group of people who are or have gone through exactly the same experiences with their addicts. They will offer advice, strength, comfort, support and a safe place to vent during your journey. They will be unshockable, they have already heard and lived it all. They will understand when you cry publicly and not think less of you for it.
There is a Nar Anon meeting tonight at 7:30 in West Roxbury at St. John Chrysostom Church. (Google - "Nar Anon", then "find a meeting" for other meetings in your area)
My Nar Anon home group has a "welcome" card which we give to all newcomers. Inside of that card there are some song lyrics which I think capture the true spirit of Nar Anon:
"We're glad you're here,
'cause we've been there,
and it's hard to find someone who
understands enough to care.
Put down your pain, cast out your fears.
We've all been there,
and we're glad your here."
Keep coming back!
Jim
Welcome to the forum!
Sorry to hear that your friend is not ready for help from his three good friends.
About all you can do is to continue to offer recovery, at some point he will be ready for recovery help, then, and only then, will rehab do any good - he has to want it for himself.
In the meantime, you and your friends could probably use some support; this forum is a good place to start as are Nar Anon meetings.
Nar Anon is a 12 step, support group for friends and families of addicts. There you will find a group of people who are or have gone through exactly the same experiences with their addicts. They will offer advice, strength, comfort, support and a safe place to vent during your journey. They will be unshockable, they have already heard and lived it all. They will understand when you cry publicly and not think less of you for it.
There is a Nar Anon meeting tonight at 7:30 in West Roxbury at St. John Chrysostom Church. (Google - "Nar Anon", then "find a meeting" for other meetings in your area)
My Nar Anon home group has a "welcome" card which we give to all newcomers. Inside of that card there are some song lyrics which I think capture the true spirit of Nar Anon:
"We're glad you're here,
'cause we've been there,
and it's hard to find someone who
understands enough to care.
Put down your pain, cast out your fears.
We've all been there,
and we're glad your here."
Keep coming back!
Jim
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi Boston, I wouldn't worry too much about repercussions in trying to help him. After all, you were trying to help, and it sounds like you and others have tried and tried to help him, he's not ready. Sadly, in the world of addiction, there are casualties. I hope he is not one of them. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true.
I had an episode a few years ago in which I thought I would be one, in fact, it would have been preferred. I wish you and your friend well.
I had an episode a few years ago in which I thought I would be one, in fact, it would have been preferred. I wish you and your friend well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 5
Thank you for your kind words. I think this incident really pushed him further away from us, beyond reach . He needs to want it for himself. Officially, he is now off the map. Nobody is looking for him, really thinking about him or could honestly be bothered with him anymore. It has gotten to that point. Does he cross my mind still? Yeah. Do I still get upset when think of him? Yeah. Do I still love him like a brother? Yeah. But he has burnt every single person in his life over and over and over and over and over again. He has cared about nobody but himself for the past 15 years. The point I'm making is I clearly still care for him otherwise I wouldn't be on here. I think from this point forward I cannot help him anymore or even see him. My reasoning in coming on this website was to educate myself about his disease and try and understand what he is going through and what we are all doing when we go and see him with food and buy him clothes or whatever it may be.
Boston
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