Anyone else feel untreatable?
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 444
Originally Posted by getright15 
I'm sure this is possible to believe, but I was taken back earlier today when I told my wife I was going to do an outpatient therapy and it was fully covered by my insurance. She let her mom know and all she had to say was basically I'm gonna relapse and I'm getting a mini vacation from kid duties and life. So I'm trying to save my life and my family and that is her response?
Hang in there and I hope you throw everything you have into this OP recovery program.
As to your wife...... She probably has really good reason to be pissed and dismissive of you. I know that mine does.
My wife was initially really supportive when I came clean about everything and vowed to changed.... really supportive. But after two relapses in short order and more of my deceitful behavior she was less than impressed with my plans. I was pissed and hurt but have come to realize that damage has been done and I don't get to decide when my wife will feel okay and trusting with me again.
It has been that way in marital spats over the years as well. Big fight, I get over it and she is not okay for a much longer than I would consider normal period of time ... Everyone processes this stuff differently and I am trying to remind myself that I caused this, not her. I just want to maintain my new plan until she learns to feel good again. At least they are still with us! That is sometimes amazing to me.
Best wishes!
Jonathan
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Get right, nobody is hopeless!.
I couldn't make it on my own or with SR. I finally realized that if I wanted to be sober, I had to put in whatever effort it took. So, I had SR, I saw a pdoc for therapy, I went to AA meetings regularly and shared each time, I did an intensive outpatient rehab program. The doc thought it would be better if I did inpatient rehab but I was still fighting it a bit. I did make it and am now over a year sober. I had one small slip at about 7 months but it did not become a full-scale relapse. I immediately went to see my pdoc and was put on meds to help.
Now I'm still alert to the risks but am feeling much more solid. If I ever have a relapse, I wouldn't hesitate to do inpatient rehab. I now accept the fact that I need loads of help and get what I need.
You can do this, too, Getright!
I couldn't make it on my own or with SR. I finally realized that if I wanted to be sober, I had to put in whatever effort it took. So, I had SR, I saw a pdoc for therapy, I went to AA meetings regularly and shared each time, I did an intensive outpatient rehab program. The doc thought it would be better if I did inpatient rehab but I was still fighting it a bit. I did make it and am now over a year sober. I had one small slip at about 7 months but it did not become a full-scale relapse. I immediately went to see my pdoc and was put on meds to help.
Now I'm still alert to the risks but am feeling much more solid. If I ever have a relapse, I wouldn't hesitate to do inpatient rehab. I now accept the fact that I need loads of help and get what I need.
You can do this, too, Getright!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 203
GetRight15
So, I'm going to give you your wife's side. I hope you listen.
She's tired of taking care of life while your drinking.
She's exhausted from worrying whether or not tonight will be the night she gets the call that you killed yourself or someone else
She afraid to hope because when she's done that in the past she's been disappointed.
She loves you but can't live with a drunk any more.
She craves peace, and calm, and a marriage but her life is lies, loneliness, drama, and fear.
She walks on egg shells every day wondering which "husband" will come through the door. The drunk or the wonderful man she married.
And, YOUR pissed?
I'm sorry, maybe that wasn't what you needed now but I've been around the "oh poor me, I'm an alcoholic" for a long time. And you just hit a nerve.
Go to treatment and get sober for YOU.
So, I'm going to give you your wife's side. I hope you listen.
She's tired of taking care of life while your drinking.
She's exhausted from worrying whether or not tonight will be the night she gets the call that you killed yourself or someone else
She afraid to hope because when she's done that in the past she's been disappointed.
She loves you but can't live with a drunk any more.
She craves peace, and calm, and a marriage but her life is lies, loneliness, drama, and fear.
She walks on egg shells every day wondering which "husband" will come through the door. The drunk or the wonderful man she married.
And, YOUR pissed?
I'm sorry, maybe that wasn't what you needed now but I've been around the "oh poor me, I'm an alcoholic" for a long time. And you just hit a nerve.
Go to treatment and get sober for YOU.
Hang on!
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by getright15
[....getting angry...]
Overall I hope this works out and I want to be committed to this 100%. I want to be well and sober. I want my family to trust me and be there for me. I want the trust of my wife back. [...].
Overall I hope this works out and I want to be committed to this 100%. I want to be well and sober. I want my family to trust me and be there for me. I want the trust of my wife back. [...].
Your wife wants to trust you again. Your family wants to trust you again. YOU want to trust you again. So you know you have to earn that trust now. It will take time, but you can do it. You know how. Go do it.
Good luck with the OP therapy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
I can't leave as I have to jobs and have to help with the kids so leaving wouldn't be an option for me.
Originally Posted by MythOfSisyphus
I think that's a wise move, getright. You know the old saying: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. Something has to change, and an outpatient rehab might be the ticket.
This might be out of the question, and forgive me if it's stupid, but do you have deep roots in Vegas? You can get sober anywhere but I'd rather do it somewhere besides Las Vegas.
This might be out of the question, and forgive me if it's stupid, but do you have deep roots in Vegas? You can get sober anywhere but I'd rather do it somewhere besides Las Vegas.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
Ok a few things from what you wrote. I agree with everything up until "And YOU"RE PISSED?"
I'm going to therapy on my own. Nobody is making me. I'm doing it for myself and to keep my family intact. There is no oh poor me in anything I mentioned. I was explaining a situation. I'm not on here looking for sympathy or anything close to it. I've made a ton of mistakes throughout our relationship and I'm owning up to it. I've never made an effort before to go to patient therapy so this is the next chapter in my journey and I hope it will be the last for my sake and the sake of the people I care about.
I'm going to therapy on my own. Nobody is making me. I'm doing it for myself and to keep my family intact. There is no oh poor me in anything I mentioned. I was explaining a situation. I'm not on here looking for sympathy or anything close to it. I've made a ton of mistakes throughout our relationship and I'm owning up to it. I've never made an effort before to go to patient therapy so this is the next chapter in my journey and I hope it will be the last for my sake and the sake of the people I care about.
Originally Posted by Ileana
GetRight15
So, I'm going to give you your wife's side. I hope you listen.
She's tired of taking care of life while your drinking.
She's exhausted from worrying whether or not tonight will be the night she gets the call that you killed yourself or someone else
She afraid to hope because when she's done that in the past she's been disappointed.
She loves you but can't live with a drunk any more.
She craves peace, and calm, and a marriage but her life is lies, loneliness, drama, and fear.
She walks on egg shells every day wondering which "husband" will come through the door. The drunk or the wonderful man she married.
And, YOUR pissed?
I'm sorry, maybe that wasn't what you needed now but I've been around the "oh poor me, I'm an alcoholic" for a long time. And you just hit a nerve.
Go to treatment and get sober for YOU.
So, I'm going to give you your wife's side. I hope you listen.
She's tired of taking care of life while your drinking.
She's exhausted from worrying whether or not tonight will be the night she gets the call that you killed yourself or someone else
She afraid to hope because when she's done that in the past she's been disappointed.
She loves you but can't live with a drunk any more.
She craves peace, and calm, and a marriage but her life is lies, loneliness, drama, and fear.
She walks on egg shells every day wondering which "husband" will come through the door. The drunk or the wonderful man she married.
And, YOUR pissed?
I'm sorry, maybe that wasn't what you needed now but I've been around the "oh poor me, I'm an alcoholic" for a long time. And you just hit a nerve.
Go to treatment and get sober for YOU.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 114
I am really glad to hear you are looking for help for YOU, that's most important, two things that came to mind for me, first has nothing to do with sobriety but if your car has two blown tires you can put the spare tire on one and a jack on the other and bring the two tires to a tire place and have them put new tires on and save yourself the tow fee. Second is that I have been in the same hopeless place many times as a result of my behavior, I have felt I could never get any lower and the misery would never end, hour after hour day after day I would hate myself, miserable day, followed miserable day, but eventually every time that happened, things would get better and invariably I would get myself into another new hole that then seemed insurmountable but that's the grave I dug, it may take some time but it always does pass, getting treatment and really wanting to change is setting you up to be in a position in a month or two or six where life can start looking good, you can look back someday and say, what was I thinking, I was such an ************, but no one is ever hopeless. I know I felt that way countless times before I decided to help myself. But things can and will turn around if, and only if, you devote yourself to recovery. Wish you all the best, you are here, and that's a big step, you are set up to take the next one with outpatient, keep taking the right steps and things will get better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
Wish the wheel issue were that easy. I have to get new rims...they are that jacked up. Thank you for all the kind words though and your encouragement. I'm at a very low point and still trying to figure things out. I don't even know anymore.
Originally Posted by GS123
I am really glad to hear you are looking for help for YOU, that's most important, two things that came to mind for me, first has nothing to do with sobriety but if your car has two blown tires you can put the spare tire on one and a jack on the other and bring the two tires to a tire place and have them put new tires on and save yourself the tow fee. Second is that I have been in the same hopeless place many times as a result of my behavior, I have felt I could never get any lower and the misery would never end, hour after hour day after day I would hate myself, miserable day, followed miserable day, but eventually every time that happened, things would get better and invariably I would get myself into another new hole that then seemed insurmountable but that's the grave I dug, it may take some time but it always does pass, getting treatment and really wanting to change is setting you up to be in a position in a month or two or six where life can start looking good, you can look back someday and say, what was I thinking, I was such an ************, but no one is ever hopeless. I know I felt that way countless times before I decided to help myself. But things can and will turn around if, and only if, you devote yourself to recovery. Wish you all the best, you are here, and that's a big step, you are set up to take the next one with outpatient, keep taking the right steps and things will get better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sorry you're having a hard time of it. It is very hard to problem-solve when you have washing-machine recovery head.
The good news is that actually how you're feeling is pretty normal. Most people felt hopeless and untreatable at the start of their recovery journey. One of the things that a lot of us realise during this journey is to NOT trust our feelings. Just because we 'feel' something, it doesn't mean it's true. I used to put a lot of energy into feeding anxieties and resentments that, even if they DID exist, feeling them and giving them extended head-space really didn't help. When I first went to AA I heard a lot about 'acceptance', which baffled me, but I didn't voice my questions, which were:
Q.1 WHAT am I supposed to be accepting
Q.2 WHY the f*** should I accept it if it's unpleasant / unfair / painful
I thought it was all about will-power, and it took me a long time to realise that will-power is all well and good, but it's the acceptance that keeps me sober.
Over time I figured out the answers to my questions, through listening to others, and reading, and trial and error.
A.1 Accept the things you cannot change
A.2 Because if you can't change them, festering over them is a just a distraction from recovery, and working to make things right. My anger over justified resentments only hurts me.
You're probably wondering why I'm waffling on about acceptance when you have wheels; past harms to your family; work; money; staying sober; and a multitude of other things crowding your brain that you need to deal with. The reason is that it really helps if you can 'accept the things you can't change; and have the courage to change the things you can' - the hard bit is having the wisdom to know the difference.
Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed by 'stuff' battling for head space, first off I try to note a list of what is stressing me. Even daft stuff, like the kitchen light keeps flickering, or there's no space left in the kitchen drawer, or that I don't think Sue at work likes me. Then I try to work out, which things I have no control over (and need to find my way to accepting) and which things I can change somehow) and need to find the courage or energy or time to change. The 'change' things can then be gradually worked through. (I try to do the easiest things first, because it clears some head-space to tackle the more complicated ones - for example, I might change the kitchen light bulb, and tidy out the draw and chuck stuff away / organise it better. Sometimes while I'm doing the easy or mundane things, my sub-conscious mind has obviously been freed up enough to work away on the harder stuff, and when I calm down a bit I might reason that Sue's having a hard time with her kid being ill lately, so she's probably not ignoring me, just she's a little distracted and depressed. Then I can forgive her for not saying hello back when I smiled and said 'hi' and stop feeling bad).
We can't go back in time and change stuff we've already done to hurt our partners and family. We can apologise, which we've mostly already done. Lots of times. (Before going back out to repeat-offend them). But what we can do now is make a living amends, by being the partner or parent that they need (and deserve). It's understandable if they don't trust that's what's we' doing at first - but we're not doing it to get approval or gratitude. We're doing it for selfish reasons - to get back some self-respect and start liking ourselves.)
One thing that won't solve ANY problem is alcohol. It might make us FORGET the problem for a few hours, but at best the problem will still be there when we sober up, and at worst we'll have added more problems while we were drunk.
Sometimes we want a drink just to quiet the voices in our head that are pulling us in lots of different directions. Some people find that's when meditation can help (I know it sounds a little new age, but sometimes we do need to just bring ourselves back into the moment; and stop rehashing dingy old memories of people hurting us, or us hurting others; stop projecting all the stuff that might / could go wrong, eventually convincing ourselves that it WILL happen. Maybe it will, but if it's unavoidable then living it once will be quite enough.) I'm still only experimenting with this, but it def makes me feel calmer. I try to close my eyes and focus on what I can hear; smell; and feel. If my mind goes back to it's noise, I carry on with the sensory focus for a little longer. I've also heard people on here talking about mindfulness through emotion-surfing.
Anyway - good luck with everything. Keep coming back and posting.
The good news is that actually how you're feeling is pretty normal. Most people felt hopeless and untreatable at the start of their recovery journey. One of the things that a lot of us realise during this journey is to NOT trust our feelings. Just because we 'feel' something, it doesn't mean it's true. I used to put a lot of energy into feeding anxieties and resentments that, even if they DID exist, feeling them and giving them extended head-space really didn't help. When I first went to AA I heard a lot about 'acceptance', which baffled me, but I didn't voice my questions, which were:
Q.1 WHAT am I supposed to be accepting
Q.2 WHY the f*** should I accept it if it's unpleasant / unfair / painful
I thought it was all about will-power, and it took me a long time to realise that will-power is all well and good, but it's the acceptance that keeps me sober.
Over time I figured out the answers to my questions, through listening to others, and reading, and trial and error.
A.1 Accept the things you cannot change
A.2 Because if you can't change them, festering over them is a just a distraction from recovery, and working to make things right. My anger over justified resentments only hurts me.
You're probably wondering why I'm waffling on about acceptance when you have wheels; past harms to your family; work; money; staying sober; and a multitude of other things crowding your brain that you need to deal with. The reason is that it really helps if you can 'accept the things you can't change; and have the courage to change the things you can' - the hard bit is having the wisdom to know the difference.
Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed by 'stuff' battling for head space, first off I try to note a list of what is stressing me. Even daft stuff, like the kitchen light keeps flickering, or there's no space left in the kitchen drawer, or that I don't think Sue at work likes me. Then I try to work out, which things I have no control over (and need to find my way to accepting) and which things I can change somehow) and need to find the courage or energy or time to change. The 'change' things can then be gradually worked through. (I try to do the easiest things first, because it clears some head-space to tackle the more complicated ones - for example, I might change the kitchen light bulb, and tidy out the draw and chuck stuff away / organise it better. Sometimes while I'm doing the easy or mundane things, my sub-conscious mind has obviously been freed up enough to work away on the harder stuff, and when I calm down a bit I might reason that Sue's having a hard time with her kid being ill lately, so she's probably not ignoring me, just she's a little distracted and depressed. Then I can forgive her for not saying hello back when I smiled and said 'hi' and stop feeling bad).
We can't go back in time and change stuff we've already done to hurt our partners and family. We can apologise, which we've mostly already done. Lots of times. (Before going back out to repeat-offend them). But what we can do now is make a living amends, by being the partner or parent that they need (and deserve). It's understandable if they don't trust that's what's we' doing at first - but we're not doing it to get approval or gratitude. We're doing it for selfish reasons - to get back some self-respect and start liking ourselves.)
One thing that won't solve ANY problem is alcohol. It might make us FORGET the problem for a few hours, but at best the problem will still be there when we sober up, and at worst we'll have added more problems while we were drunk.
Sometimes we want a drink just to quiet the voices in our head that are pulling us in lots of different directions. Some people find that's when meditation can help (I know it sounds a little new age, but sometimes we do need to just bring ourselves back into the moment; and stop rehashing dingy old memories of people hurting us, or us hurting others; stop projecting all the stuff that might / could go wrong, eventually convincing ourselves that it WILL happen. Maybe it will, but if it's unavoidable then living it once will be quite enough.) I'm still only experimenting with this, but it def makes me feel calmer. I try to close my eyes and focus on what I can hear; smell; and feel. If my mind goes back to it's noise, I carry on with the sensory focus for a little longer. I've also heard people on here talking about mindfulness through emotion-surfing.
Anyway - good luck with everything. Keep coming back and posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
WOW and thank you. Very encouraging and enlightening words!
Originally Posted by Beccybean
Sorry you're having a hard time of it. It is very hard to problem-solve when you have washing-machine recovery head.
The good news is that actually how you're feeling is pretty normal. Most people felt hopeless and untreatable at the start of their recovery journey. One of the things that a lot of us realise during this journey is to NOT trust our feelings. Just because we 'feel' something, it doesn't mean it's true. I used to put a lot of energy into feeding anxieties and resentments that, even if they DID exist, feeling them and giving them extended head-space really didn't help. When I first went to AA I heard a lot about 'acceptance', which baffled me, but I didn't voice my questions, which were:
Q.1 WHAT am I supposed to be accepting
Q.2 WHY the f*** should I accept it if it's unpleasant / unfair / painful
I thought it was all about will-power, and it took me a long time to realise that will-power is all well and good, but it's the acceptance that keeps me sober.
Over time I figured out the answers to my questions, through listening to others, and reading, and trial and error.
A.1 Accept the things you cannot change
A.2 Because if you can't change them, festering over them is a just a distraction from recovery, and working to make things right. My anger over justified resentments only hurts me.
You're probably wondering why I'm waffling on about acceptance when you have wheels; past harms to your family; work; money; staying sober; and a multitude of other things crowding your brain that you need to deal with. The reason is that it really helps if you can 'accept the things you can't change; and have the courage to change the things you can' - the hard bit is having the wisdom to know the difference.
Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed by 'stuff' battling for head space, first off I try to note a list of what is stressing me. Even daft stuff, like the kitchen light keeps flickering, or there's no space left in the kitchen drawer, or that I don't think Sue at work likes me. Then I try to work out, which things I have no control over (and need to find my way to accepting) and which things I can change somehow) and need to find the courage or energy or time to change. The 'change' things can then be gradually worked through. (I try to do the easiest things first, because it clears some head-space to tackle the more complicated ones - for example, I might change the kitchen light bulb, and tidy out the draw and chuck stuff away / organise it better. Sometimes while I'm doing the easy or mundane things, my sub-conscious mind has obviously been freed up enough to work away on the harder stuff, and when I calm down a bit I might reason that Sue's having a hard time with her kid being ill lately, so she's probably not ignoring me, just she's a little distracted and depressed. Then I can forgive her for not saying hello back when I smiled and said 'hi' and stop feeling bad).
We can't go back in time and change stuff we've already done to hurt our partners and family. We can apologise, which we've mostly already done. Lots of times. (Before going back out to repeat-offend them). But what we can do now is make a living amends, by being the partner or parent that they need (and deserve). It's understandable if they don't trust that's what's we' doing at first - but we're not doing it to get approval or gratitude. We're doing it for selfish reasons - to get back some self-respect and start liking ourselves.)
One thing that won't solve ANY problem is alcohol. It might make us FORGET the problem for a few hours, but at best the problem will still be there when we sober up, and at worst we'll have added more problems while we were drunk.
Sometimes we want a drink just to quiet the voices in our head that are pulling us in lots of different directions. Some people find that's when meditation can help (I know it sounds a little new age, but sometimes we do need to just bring ourselves back into the moment; and stop rehashing dingy old memories of people hurting us, or us hurting others; stop projecting all the stuff that might / could go wrong, eventually convincing ourselves that it WILL happen. Maybe it will, but if it's unavoidable then living it once will be quite enough.) I'm still only experimenting with this, but it def makes me feel calmer. I try to close my eyes and focus on what I can hear; smell; and feel. If my mind goes back to it's noise, I carry on with the sensory focus for a little longer. I've also heard people on here talking about mindfulness through emotion-surfing.
Anyway - good luck with everything. Keep coming back and posting.
The good news is that actually how you're feeling is pretty normal. Most people felt hopeless and untreatable at the start of their recovery journey. One of the things that a lot of us realise during this journey is to NOT trust our feelings. Just because we 'feel' something, it doesn't mean it's true. I used to put a lot of energy into feeding anxieties and resentments that, even if they DID exist, feeling them and giving them extended head-space really didn't help. When I first went to AA I heard a lot about 'acceptance', which baffled me, but I didn't voice my questions, which were:
Q.1 WHAT am I supposed to be accepting
Q.2 WHY the f*** should I accept it if it's unpleasant / unfair / painful
I thought it was all about will-power, and it took me a long time to realise that will-power is all well and good, but it's the acceptance that keeps me sober.
Over time I figured out the answers to my questions, through listening to others, and reading, and trial and error.
A.1 Accept the things you cannot change
A.2 Because if you can't change them, festering over them is a just a distraction from recovery, and working to make things right. My anger over justified resentments only hurts me.
You're probably wondering why I'm waffling on about acceptance when you have wheels; past harms to your family; work; money; staying sober; and a multitude of other things crowding your brain that you need to deal with. The reason is that it really helps if you can 'accept the things you can't change; and have the courage to change the things you can' - the hard bit is having the wisdom to know the difference.
Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed by 'stuff' battling for head space, first off I try to note a list of what is stressing me. Even daft stuff, like the kitchen light keeps flickering, or there's no space left in the kitchen drawer, or that I don't think Sue at work likes me. Then I try to work out, which things I have no control over (and need to find my way to accepting) and which things I can change somehow) and need to find the courage or energy or time to change. The 'change' things can then be gradually worked through. (I try to do the easiest things first, because it clears some head-space to tackle the more complicated ones - for example, I might change the kitchen light bulb, and tidy out the draw and chuck stuff away / organise it better. Sometimes while I'm doing the easy or mundane things, my sub-conscious mind has obviously been freed up enough to work away on the harder stuff, and when I calm down a bit I might reason that Sue's having a hard time with her kid being ill lately, so she's probably not ignoring me, just she's a little distracted and depressed. Then I can forgive her for not saying hello back when I smiled and said 'hi' and stop feeling bad).
We can't go back in time and change stuff we've already done to hurt our partners and family. We can apologise, which we've mostly already done. Lots of times. (Before going back out to repeat-offend them). But what we can do now is make a living amends, by being the partner or parent that they need (and deserve). It's understandable if they don't trust that's what's we' doing at first - but we're not doing it to get approval or gratitude. We're doing it for selfish reasons - to get back some self-respect and start liking ourselves.)
One thing that won't solve ANY problem is alcohol. It might make us FORGET the problem for a few hours, but at best the problem will still be there when we sober up, and at worst we'll have added more problems while we were drunk.
Sometimes we want a drink just to quiet the voices in our head that are pulling us in lots of different directions. Some people find that's when meditation can help (I know it sounds a little new age, but sometimes we do need to just bring ourselves back into the moment; and stop rehashing dingy old memories of people hurting us, or us hurting others; stop projecting all the stuff that might / could go wrong, eventually convincing ourselves that it WILL happen. Maybe it will, but if it's unavoidable then living it once will be quite enough.) I'm still only experimenting with this, but it def makes me feel calmer. I try to close my eyes and focus on what I can hear; smell; and feel. If my mind goes back to it's noise, I carry on with the sensory focus for a little longer. I've also heard people on here talking about mindfulness through emotion-surfing.
Anyway - good luck with everything. Keep coming back and posting.
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