Where words fail me music speaks
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Where words fail me music speaks
Hey. You might call this a gratuitous post if you are that way inclined but the truth is I've had an idea, and I'm going to try and communicate with you kind folks through the medium of music for a while. This isn't a new communication strategy for me, in fact it is a very old one. I hope that nobody minds. So here's to today, more often that not it's been like this if I am honest and especially in the last decade.
I just realized something consciously for the first time, I am always drawn toward's the piano when I am miserable, suffering and sad. When I was clinically depressed I used to drink and cry myself to sleep every night while playing along on my keyboard to classic (and predominately sad or profound) rock music. That went on for years. I could never consider myself as depressed again in relation to that, it was so intense. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. As an aside, I've always secretly visualised myself working in the care professions since I was a teenager but I guess thats neither here nor there. Anyway the point I wanted to make, and I don't know how to put it very succinctly so I won't, it is this: Word's aint sh!t. If there is only one thing I have learned in my life it is that. They can be very damaging to a young or fragile mind if thats how they are intended, but on the other hand words of encouragement that are ultimately hollow or even worse couched to deliver another devasting blow are just as bad. Why do we attach so much meaning to words? We talk a lot about people abusing substances here but in my life there is literally nothing I have seen other people abuse, and use as a tool to abuse others, more than words. I mean being smacked, slapped, hit with objects, pushed, pulled, punched, kicked, chocked , having the shirt ripped off your back, being imprisoned, having to flee, having to jump from a moving car, being stranded, cold, wet, tired, hungry, having to sleep rough etc all throughout your childhood and adolescence exponentially is definitely that I would ever choose to subject my children to or anyone other being for that matter. But ultimately I feel you can learn from those experiences, eventually. After several rounds of stitches and losing a few teeth for example, or 4 pints of blood. Eventually I guess so, perhaps.
But words? Nothing I feel has the potential to caused more damage to a persons wellbeing I believe, particularly in the formative years. It's the intention behind those words of course is what matters, and I have found it very hard to reconcile why I was subjected to so much of that in my life by my custodians. Not just being constantly demeaned and and called all types of names (as an accompaniment to the physical stuff at best, not worst somehow) but also being subjected every day to the most inappropriate and horrific stories and tales, ideas and opinions over and over and over, the same ones on a constant cycle from morning to night usually accompanied by a lot of domestic violence. And those were the better days at home, where I wasn't the target of it all. A lot of days I would try and inject myself into the situation, plead with these people just stop and a result made myself the target of it. I guess that's my fault, everything is my fault is another clear message I've been dealing with down through all the years.
The worst thing is that it has never ever stopped. Over time I was able to build up defenses and strategies for the physical stuff, but I was never able to do the same for the verbal. It was so subtle on the one hand that I never even knew what was happening. It became so compounded that even in my adult life that it destroyed absolutely every aspect of my being. I'm an easy target for it that is for sure. I was an easy target for a lot of stuff. My words today are genuine, I can tell you that. As are many others on this board. There are no children here but there are others like me I'm sure who are still recovering from childhood or never did recover. I just want to say, no matter what age or wether male or female if you are in an abusive relationship then please try and remove yourself from it and seek help. It may be difficult to identify. It could be your partner, your parents, siblings or maybe even everyone in your life but if you feel you are being hurt then rest assured that you are. If you suspect you are being used, abused, lied to, manipulated and cheated then you probably are. Talk about it to colleagues in work or at school, please don't cover it up end up like me. Even beg for help if you have to. I can't do that for some reason because even though I'm not it makes me feel like an imposter somehow, my fear of being seen as an imposter is actually equal to or greater than my fear of annihilation. I don't why this is, I think it has something to do with my mother and observing the fraudulent life that she lived. But that's enough, it's too late for me. I hope this post can help someone or something. I don't know why I post. Thank's for listening SR
I just realized something consciously for the first time, I am always drawn toward's the piano when I am miserable, suffering and sad. When I was clinically depressed I used to drink and cry myself to sleep every night while playing along on my keyboard to classic (and predominately sad or profound) rock music. That went on for years. I could never consider myself as depressed again in relation to that, it was so intense. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. As an aside, I've always secretly visualised myself working in the care professions since I was a teenager but I guess thats neither here nor there. Anyway the point I wanted to make, and I don't know how to put it very succinctly so I won't, it is this: Word's aint sh!t. If there is only one thing I have learned in my life it is that. They can be very damaging to a young or fragile mind if thats how they are intended, but on the other hand words of encouragement that are ultimately hollow or even worse couched to deliver another devasting blow are just as bad. Why do we attach so much meaning to words? We talk a lot about people abusing substances here but in my life there is literally nothing I have seen other people abuse, and use as a tool to abuse others, more than words. I mean being smacked, slapped, hit with objects, pushed, pulled, punched, kicked, chocked , having the shirt ripped off your back, being imprisoned, having to flee, having to jump from a moving car, being stranded, cold, wet, tired, hungry, having to sleep rough etc all throughout your childhood and adolescence exponentially is definitely that I would ever choose to subject my children to or anyone other being for that matter. But ultimately I feel you can learn from those experiences, eventually. After several rounds of stitches and losing a few teeth for example, or 4 pints of blood. Eventually I guess so, perhaps.
But words? Nothing I feel has the potential to caused more damage to a persons wellbeing I believe, particularly in the formative years. It's the intention behind those words of course is what matters, and I have found it very hard to reconcile why I was subjected to so much of that in my life by my custodians. Not just being constantly demeaned and and called all types of names (as an accompaniment to the physical stuff at best, not worst somehow) but also being subjected every day to the most inappropriate and horrific stories and tales, ideas and opinions over and over and over, the same ones on a constant cycle from morning to night usually accompanied by a lot of domestic violence. And those were the better days at home, where I wasn't the target of it all. A lot of days I would try and inject myself into the situation, plead with these people just stop and a result made myself the target of it. I guess that's my fault, everything is my fault is another clear message I've been dealing with down through all the years.
The worst thing is that it has never ever stopped. Over time I was able to build up defenses and strategies for the physical stuff, but I was never able to do the same for the verbal. It was so subtle on the one hand that I never even knew what was happening. It became so compounded that even in my adult life that it destroyed absolutely every aspect of my being. I'm an easy target for it that is for sure. I was an easy target for a lot of stuff. My words today are genuine, I can tell you that. As are many others on this board. There are no children here but there are others like me I'm sure who are still recovering from childhood or never did recover. I just want to say, no matter what age or wether male or female if you are in an abusive relationship then please try and remove yourself from it and seek help. It may be difficult to identify. It could be your partner, your parents, siblings or maybe even everyone in your life but if you feel you are being hurt then rest assured that you are. If you suspect you are being used, abused, lied to, manipulated and cheated then you probably are. Talk about it to colleagues in work or at school, please don't cover it up end up like me. Even beg for help if you have to. I can't do that for some reason because even though I'm not it makes me feel like an imposter somehow, my fear of being seen as an imposter is actually equal to or greater than my fear of annihilation. I don't why this is, I think it has something to do with my mother and observing the fraudulent life that she lived. But that's enough, it's too late for me. I hope this post can help someone or something. I don't know why I post. Thank's for listening SR
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Goodnight SR
There's a throwback to my clinically depressed day's that's for sure. Note the piano once again. Not even sure how I am feeling now, a little highly strung but emotionally exhausted at the same time. Rough day that on the whole but as I always said when I was drinking, no matter what it was - "I've been better and I've been worse". Hopefully I'll sleep a bit because I have to do a few things tomorrow. I hope everyone's Sunday here was a better one than mine.
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Stratman1 - thank you for sharing this with us. It's difficult to put it all out there and you did it. It's an important part of the healing process, in my opinion. Sleep well and know we are out here thinking of you.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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"You are never going anywhere."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reSO...4iaFNjtIwE48ff
When we can't trust our caregivers to be caregivers it haunts us. I was thrown down the stairs, sure, but my body healed from that pretty quickly. To be told I'm a loser and never going anywhere...decades later it still has an impact.
I'm glad you posted this. It reminds us that recovery is about sobriety first, but eventually it goes much deeper. It's about accepting ourselves and having compassion and love for ourselves no matter what anyone has said or done to us and no matter how far we may have fallen before realizing that being numb is not healing but hiding.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reSO...4iaFNjtIwE48ff
When we can't trust our caregivers to be caregivers it haunts us. I was thrown down the stairs, sure, but my body healed from that pretty quickly. To be told I'm a loser and never going anywhere...decades later it still has an impact.
I'm glad you posted this. It reminds us that recovery is about sobriety first, but eventually it goes much deeper. It's about accepting ourselves and having compassion and love for ourselves no matter what anyone has said or done to us and no matter how far we may have fallen before realizing that being numb is not healing but hiding.
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Thank you guys. I agree with both of you wholeheartedly.
I never spoke about any of this before myjourney. Not a single word to anyone, ever. I pretended to myself and others that it didn't bother me and that I was strong. That, I believe now, was damaging me even further. I credit this site and good people like yourselves for giving me the courage to open up by realising I'm not alone, and that I don't have to feel ashamed about this stuff.
Abso-fricking-lutely. It is terrible on every level, conflicting in every moment. The physical beatings were fine I guess, eventually. Obviously unhealthy but easy to recover from. Whereas the emotional and psychological torment, constantly at that, have the most profound effects which of course are so difficult to process with many that we aren't aware of. Very few people will truly understand if they haven't been through it. They will know it's abhorrent but will have no idea truly how damaging it is. Apart from that I was the 'golden child' to begin with and very much the scapegoat once I developed my own interest's. Despite my best efforts unbelievably I am still connected to them now in several ways, and I battled symptoms for a long time but my recovery hasn't even begun yet outside of SR.
One of the big subconscious messages we aren't aware of that we are conditioned to believe by this is that we are unloveable. Despite all and any evidence to the contary. So I agree with you, it starts with not being so self critical of ourselves. I imagine it is difficult, and takes a long time to undo a lifetime of all these forms of abuse. But you guys are giving me hope that it can be done.
"Unloveable" https://youtu.be/PYTC79rPI1s
Originally Posted by myjourney111713 
It's difficult to put it all out there and you did it. It's an important part of the healing process, in my opinion.
Originally Posted by zerothehero
When we can't trust our caregivers to be caregivers it haunts us. I was thrown down the stairs, sure, but my body healed from that pretty quickly. To be told I'm a loser and never going anywhere...decades later it still has an impact.
One of the big subconscious messages we aren't aware of that we are conditioned to believe by this is that we are unloveable. Despite all and any evidence to the contary. So I agree with you, it starts with not being so self critical of ourselves. I imagine it is difficult, and takes a long time to undo a lifetime of all these forms of abuse. But you guys are giving me hope that it can be done.
"Unloveable" https://youtu.be/PYTC79rPI1s
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Pissed off today!
Haha, not really but. Was a bit grumpy when I 'woke up'. I never got that sleep, I was just dozing off when the phone rang. My solicitor postponed our appointment.
I've been trying to get her on the phone etc for weeks, I can't afford to lose more time over that (parenting struggle). So yeah, I was a bit grumpy when I 'woke up'
Am good now though, I'll motor on until tonight. Wish I was 12 again! I'm hardly alone in that, what would you do differently???
I've been trying to get her on the phone etc for weeks, I can't afford to lose more time over that (parenting struggle). So yeah, I was a bit grumpy when I 'woke up'
Am good now though, I'll motor on until tonight. Wish I was 12 again! I'm hardly alone in that, what would you do differently???
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