Close Call
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Close Call
It's crazy. You'll be doing really well, then, all of a sudden, bam. That's how it happened today. No bad thing happened. I'm tired, feel like I'm slogging, I have to work all weekend for the most part, but it's not a big deal, and driving home I felt that sort of empty feeling. So, I stopped and got some chocolate, inhaled it, and went to a pet store and almost adopted another cat. Recognizing that I was engaging in impulsive addictive behavior, I bowed out of the store without adopting the cat, (I have one cat, she is everything to me, and I do not need another one at this time). On the way home, my very close friend who lives two thousand miles away called me. We chatted, and I found myself wondering if she was drinking wine, as she often will do in the evening. It started to distract me.
All I could think about was that wine. The glasses she has, that look like goblets. The wine and the breeze on her porch. Then when we got off the phone, my girlfriend called asking if I wanted to have dinner with her. At that moment, I knew that if I went to a restaurant I would order a glass of wine. I knew it. She asked if anything sounded good and I couldn't answer the question, because I was thinking about this tapas restaurant that is walking distance from both of our houses and I knew that what sounded good was a bottle of dry red wine, with an order of their brussels sprouts, and an extra glass or two, and stumbling back to my apartment. So i didn't say "the brussels sprouts at the tapas joint! wanna meet in 15?" and instead I said, "I'm tired and have a really good book I'm reading and I have to be up early so I'm going to just eat some tuna fish here and go to sleep early. Let's have coffee in the morning. Love you".
I hope you all understand that I literally WRENCHED myself to do that. I thought "no, not today." and "tomorrow will feel like ****" to which the AV said "no, you'll be fine for awhile." and I thought "no, it will all be for nothing. two weeks won't matter because you know you won't come back for a long time, you never do"
So I thought about the stench, the headache, the anxiety attacks, the embarrassment, and what I felt like two weeks ago. And I came here. And you know those brussels sprouts are amazing, and yesterday I could have gone there and not wanted wine but tonight, my mind was in the weeds and I'm so grateful that I recognized that.
Anyway it's not like I walked to the store and looked at the bottles. But believe me it was a close call. They're right, it's not a drinking problem, but a thinking problem. Thanks for being here and reading this. Typing it out to you all has brought me back. I'm sitting here with my cat and some fizzy water and that book, much more in my senses.
xo-B
All I could think about was that wine. The glasses she has, that look like goblets. The wine and the breeze on her porch. Then when we got off the phone, my girlfriend called asking if I wanted to have dinner with her. At that moment, I knew that if I went to a restaurant I would order a glass of wine. I knew it. She asked if anything sounded good and I couldn't answer the question, because I was thinking about this tapas restaurant that is walking distance from both of our houses and I knew that what sounded good was a bottle of dry red wine, with an order of their brussels sprouts, and an extra glass or two, and stumbling back to my apartment. So i didn't say "the brussels sprouts at the tapas joint! wanna meet in 15?" and instead I said, "I'm tired and have a really good book I'm reading and I have to be up early so I'm going to just eat some tuna fish here and go to sleep early. Let's have coffee in the morning. Love you".
I hope you all understand that I literally WRENCHED myself to do that. I thought "no, not today." and "tomorrow will feel like ****" to which the AV said "no, you'll be fine for awhile." and I thought "no, it will all be for nothing. two weeks won't matter because you know you won't come back for a long time, you never do"
So I thought about the stench, the headache, the anxiety attacks, the embarrassment, and what I felt like two weeks ago. And I came here. And you know those brussels sprouts are amazing, and yesterday I could have gone there and not wanted wine but tonight, my mind was in the weeds and I'm so grateful that I recognized that.
Anyway it's not like I walked to the store and looked at the bottles. But believe me it was a close call. They're right, it's not a drinking problem, but a thinking problem. Thanks for being here and reading this. Typing it out to you all has brought me back. I'm sitting here with my cat and some fizzy water and that book, much more in my senses.
xo-B
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Toronto, On
Posts: 11
I'm so happy you got through that. I too am enjoying a book and sparkling water! I'm sooo new to this and I admire your strength. I know how hard that must have been for you. You kicked butt today!!!!! 
Great decision!!!!!
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