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Two Nights In A Row

Old 10-07-2015, 03:24 PM
  # 181 (permalink)  
AlmA
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I thank you all from my heart!
I do not feel alone!

Yesterday I had an anxaety attack at work... and I colapsed crying... and I never cry so it felt good...so much bottle up.
But worked up to midnight and back at 8:30 my eyes were sore with pc light.
Sometimes I work with sun glasses on when I am alone!!!

I did not sign the contract yet just did not feel up to it...
My boss did, he told me he wants me to stay ...
And us organazing some help for me.
He is worring cos he goes to America 3 weeks.
I the middle of the Co crissis...

By 2 my head is just BLANKKKK
can not think anymore...
I stare at nowhere.....
I do not know if I am far too tired or the meds.
My brain is slowing down big time not even the coffe works.

So for tge first time I left at 2 and when home to sleep siesta!
God I miss siestas!
Left an e-mail to boss I AM NOT PRODUCTIVE ANYMORE... GONE OUT!
and was back this evening with a friend that is helping me. He is so sharp and smart! Some evenings he comes to help me after his work cis he cares fir me! That is frienship!!! He just being made boss in my old Co and is under a lot on his plate but he comes to help me!!!!!
I am going to give him English classes as soon as I have a life...

But he smokes pot... so have to be very carefull...........

Tomorrow evenig doc again...
what have u been up to???
Summary in 1 hour...
I want to change med find very difficult to think!!!
And I can not process information and am an accountattttttt
I manage accountsssss I am F#@ss@d if I can not think!

In friday some friends are going to the fare ground of fuengirola to get drunk!!! So I said I stay home...
I am not going to watch everybody dancing and drinking... no way!!!
Struggle as it is to keep sober/clean...
Last friday was horrible... No thanks!
I rather stay Home Alone

God. I can hear. A moskitooo is Octoberrrr.
Thanks climate change!!!
Night night XO
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Old 10-07-2015, 03:37 PM
  # 182 (permalink)  
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Your workload and schedule sound horrendous, Aiko. I hope that your boss really gets you some good help; could you make that a condition of your contract acceptance?

I am so proud of you.
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Old 10-07-2015, 03:59 PM
  # 183 (permalink)  
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I know that you are under a lot of pressure but you sound like a woman with a plan.
You sound good, declining the drinking and dancing is the best idea.
Check back with your Doc about your meds. I wish you the best.
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Old 10-07-2015, 04:05 PM
  # 184 (permalink)  
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You are an inspiration, Aiko!
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Old 10-11-2015, 05:37 PM
  # 185 (permalink)  
AlmA
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Thumbs up Planning for a Holiday!!!

Do not know yet but I have to buy plane tickets...
Do not know If I will be able to take a break from work.
I might go to walk in the middle of the rain to Santiago..
Autumn Do not care!!!

But have to stop sometime or loose it....
Do not know what is worse continue working non-stop and crack
or stop suddenly and crash!!!

I spend the other night looking for a Pharmacy
that would sell me sedatives...
they F?)(()/)(/)=(/(==(/%%·@@ did not...

Went to ER and get them to put it in my Meds Card...
I just got an @@@@@@@ speech of we do not put private treatment meds in the card... but they will not sell them to me if It has not got a stamp.... But will find the way!!!

Today I did not go to work
A Tibetan bowls and bongs concert.
The vibrations straight through the body... Can not describe it.
relaxation without pills... please try it!!!


So at long last I got a Plan...........................
I am going to make time off slowly for myself...
Some how... to get used to have a normal life""""""""

I realize that I am not thank full enough...
Never stop to appreciate more how fortunate we are ...


So I learned two things today...
Start to have time for me slowly
and
be more thankful and to enjoy small things...


So I am thankful to have SR!
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Old 10-11-2015, 05:45 PM
  # 186 (permalink)  
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I have to remember to make more time to take care of myself too xx
Keep up the good fight!!
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Old 10-27-2015, 01:39 PM
  # 187 (permalink)  
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Bang Crash!

8:30 and I crash the car....
Was my fault.... Aquaplaning... hit the car infront and the other to another...
Airbagssss boommmmm my car front destroied !!!
But I was cool got out lit a cigarrete and calmed down the histeric one....
But manage to drag the car to garage!
Got to ER ... and offer me a Jab for pain but I refused It
I am on 3 different pills to be ok can not mix more...

But I got my sedatives now
And have to control the intake.....

I am stressed as hell and
am leaving to do hiking in pain....
I do not care I am going 11 walking with my rucksack!

Am so nervous and scared...
is I am going with two bodyguards.

I row already cos I forbiden drugs in the way.
And think he is still taking marihuana appart from drinking all the way... I can handle the alcohol but not drugs arround me

And now he is talking about mahic mushrooms that grow unther those trees...
God he knows I have problemssss!

I am going to have a serious chat with him...
But I know he will take something... I can see myself searchingh...
And just recovered my sanity but I am not strong enough...
I been under so much preasure am worried I relapse..
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Old 10-27-2015, 02:01 PM
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I am so sorry about your car, Aiko, and relieved that you are okay.

The hiking trip sounds like a much needed break, except for the drug-using bodyguards. Are there any other sober people going with you?
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Old 10-27-2015, 03:33 PM
  # 189 (permalink)  
AlmA
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No... have no sober friends or clean friends...
I am leaving on Saturday and am very nervous about it...
I can not be near anything I mean it...
I suddenly go bonkers...

And have had several anxiety attacks at work.
And need to rest I do not want to be fighting AV!!!
Am too tired seriously....
I got ised to not to drink... sometimes it bother me but I can handel it
Just a sip on my lips snd I feel it and I do not want to turn into my dad.
But drugs ... I do not have respect for them and I should...
But I love desconeccting so much... and the consecuences are so heavy and can not get my head round it!!!

Tonight I had so much anxiety I took two sedatives and was falling slip on the weel... I borrowed a car.. and wanted to take more.
Luckily I did not... but am home now so.... free way now

But really worried about the trip!!!
You watch the airport when they see my medssss
But will get throughˇ
Am worried I do not know what willl I encounter and my reaction...
Will I go for it or control myself...

My friend said well u will go.to sleep sometime.... so I can go for a walk you will not see a thing... he does not understand I can not be near anything...................
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Old 10-27-2015, 03:45 PM
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Stay strong, dear Aiko. You have made so much progress; back-tracking would be painful.

Where are you hiking?
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Old 10-27-2015, 04:05 PM
  # 191 (permalink)  
AlmA
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Am doing Camino Santiago again...
Walking from village to village

My chest akes a lot... just tied an electric blanket and stuff more pills... tomorrow I arrive late at work half sleep...
taking effect now.. .. night night!!!
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Old 10-27-2015, 04:08 PM
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Goodnight, Aiko.

Hope you feel better tomorrow.
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Old 11-02-2015, 02:44 PM
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Hope that you are feeling well and enjoying your vacation, Aiko.
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