Thoughts
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 321
Thoughts
In my younger years, the "epic" stories after a night of drinking, what we did and the "fun" we had, I thought were hilarious...when in reality looking bad, they were just very sad. All my so called deep conversations were a blur the next day but thought they really meant something. I was wittier, more fun and outgoing, and could be quite intellectual when drinking, so I thought. I have to admit, this might have been a tad true when I had some control in the beginning, maybe even towards the end....up until the 2 glasses of wine just weren't enough and turned into many more. My days turned into when I would get those "2 glasses" to make me the "better" person of years ago that was inside, but lately, since it was always more than 2, it always turned me that brooding, miserable, angry, sad, fake like everything was okay, person. I hate her. I've been an actress for so many years, pretending that my sad life was okay to everyone outside. While emotionally, I was falling apart. These last few years have been the most lonely in my life. Alcohol no longer makes me that happy go lucky person. It makes me not care that my life sucks. It makes me angry at things that really aren't that big a deal. It makes me sad. It makes me cry for help to no one. I was having a one woman pity party on a nightly basis....and no one knew.
The only thing alcohol has done for me in the last 10 years was make me believe that I deserve nothing.
F-you alcohol, I've wasted too many years believing your lies.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Dx1I3fQMas
"There's a light in the depths of your darkness
There's a calm at the eye of every storm
There's a light in the depths of your darkness
Let it shine...oh, let it shine"
The only thing alcohol has done for me in the last 10 years was make me believe that I deserve nothing.
F-you alcohol, I've wasted too many years believing your lies.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Dx1I3fQMas
"There's a light in the depths of your darkness
There's a calm at the eye of every storm
There's a light in the depths of your darkness
Let it shine...oh, let it shine"
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 57
Your story reminds me a lot of mine. I was a shy and nervous kid and teenager. When I started drinking, I suddenly felt brave, sexy, outgoing, energetic, funny, and smart. My friends and I would stay awake all night having deep conversations and reliving "epic" drinking stories. Early on, it felt good. Unfortunately, over time, I spent so much time in boozeland that my foundations of real strength and growth eroded, and I didn't even know what my "real" personality was anymore. Sort of like leaving your home to rot and crumble into itself while you spend every day trying desperately to find that traveling circus you once enjoyed so much. Occasionally you'll meet a clown, but the circus is gone 
And home is in need of serious repair. For me, the options were: keep drinking or exist in a sober hell that slightly resembles my old life. Fortunately, things get better quick. Cleaning house and strengthening our foundations is, I think, what is accomplished when we can be honest and connect with others. Best of luck on your journey.
And home is in need of serious repair. For me, the options were: keep drinking or exist in a sober hell that slightly resembles my old life. Fortunately, things get better quick. Cleaning house and strengthening our foundations is, I think, what is accomplished when we can be honest and connect with others. Best of luck on your journey.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by InTheEnd 
The only thing alcohol has done for me in the last 10 years was make me believe that I deserve nothing
The addict living in my head told me the same lie. You're worthless, you're hopeless, you're a lost cause - might as well drink.
Freedom awaits.
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