13mos
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Livermore, CA
Posts: 1
13mos
In 2010, after decades of binge drinking and marijuana use, I began to seriously attempt to get sober. I've given up the marijuana, which I perceived to be the worst of my two addictions, for over 5 years now but the alcohol continues to be an issue. I've been to outpatient treatment programs and understand the issues of the reptile brain that leads me to thinking that I can have the occasional drink and not return to the binge drinking. Over the past 5 years I've gone for one stint of 18 months without drinking, and 2 stints at 1 year each without drinking. I'm currently on the second of the 1 year stints. So, 3 1/2 years of absolute sobriety out of 5 sounds pretty good, right? So why is it that after this last year of sobriety I'm back to thinking that I can have a drink without it leading right back down that slippery slope to the binge drinking?
My husband has been sober for over 5 1/2 years now. During the times when I would drink over the past five years, I would lie to him and tell him I was sober. Common practice for addicts. After visiting family in New Orleans this past weekend, I came home with the serious intention of testing out yet again the theory that I could have just one drink without it escalating into two, three, or four. As my family in NOLA knows that I've been sober for a year, and wanting to set a good example for my daughter, who also has serious drinking issues, I managed not to relapse while visiting. But as soon as I returned home from work yesterday, I purchased a bottle of wine knowing that my husband would be off to a work conference for the next few days.
I didn't open the bottle right away. Just put it in the fridge thinking to myself "I'm in control and don't have to drink it right now. I can have a glass with dinner and be fine." Well, wasn't I surprised when my husband walked in the door because his flight had been delayed. And what does he find in the fridge? And what do I do right off the bat? Lie, lie, lie. And he knows I'm lying. I finally admit that it was not a gift from a coworker who didn't know I'm an addict. I tell him how I feel that I don't fit the true definition of an addict because I've never had a DUI (not that I haven't deserved one, or dozens), I've never gone through DT's, I've managed to drink one or two drinks here and there and not gone off on a binge, etc. Yet I have eventually always returned to the binge drinking even if it was only for one night. The last one was July 10, 2014 and it was a doozy!
So, as of July 11, 2014 I have been sober, yet I was willing to throw it all away last night because I was listening to my reptile brain thinking I could control myself because I'm in a better place emotionally. Ha!
I poured out the bottle of wine while my husband was still home and have not felt the need to go out and replace it now that he is on his way to the conference. He suggested that since I don't like the face to face weekly meetings that AA offers that I might prefer an online program so I thought this would be a good start. I need to remind myself that the craving will go away in just a little while, to go read a book, go for a walk, or go online and talk about it. So here I am. Now, I just need to figure out how the live chat works so I can get real time responses when I really need them.
My husband has been sober for over 5 1/2 years now. During the times when I would drink over the past five years, I would lie to him and tell him I was sober. Common practice for addicts. After visiting family in New Orleans this past weekend, I came home with the serious intention of testing out yet again the theory that I could have just one drink without it escalating into two, three, or four. As my family in NOLA knows that I've been sober for a year, and wanting to set a good example for my daughter, who also has serious drinking issues, I managed not to relapse while visiting. But as soon as I returned home from work yesterday, I purchased a bottle of wine knowing that my husband would be off to a work conference for the next few days.
I didn't open the bottle right away. Just put it in the fridge thinking to myself "I'm in control and don't have to drink it right now. I can have a glass with dinner and be fine." Well, wasn't I surprised when my husband walked in the door because his flight had been delayed. And what does he find in the fridge? And what do I do right off the bat? Lie, lie, lie. And he knows I'm lying. I finally admit that it was not a gift from a coworker who didn't know I'm an addict. I tell him how I feel that I don't fit the true definition of an addict because I've never had a DUI (not that I haven't deserved one, or dozens), I've never gone through DT's, I've managed to drink one or two drinks here and there and not gone off on a binge, etc. Yet I have eventually always returned to the binge drinking even if it was only for one night. The last one was July 10, 2014 and it was a doozy!
So, as of July 11, 2014 I have been sober, yet I was willing to throw it all away last night because I was listening to my reptile brain thinking I could control myself because I'm in a better place emotionally. Ha!
I poured out the bottle of wine while my husband was still home and have not felt the need to go out and replace it now that he is on his way to the conference. He suggested that since I don't like the face to face weekly meetings that AA offers that I might prefer an online program so I thought this would be a good start. I need to remind myself that the craving will go away in just a little while, to go read a book, go for a walk, or go online and talk about it. So here I am. Now, I just need to figure out how the live chat works so I can get real time responses when I really need them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hi Ellyn. Welcome to SR. I've not used chat so I can't advise on it but someone else here can probably help.
Good for you that you dumped the wine. Keep coming back for support. I found that the more I came on and read and posted, the stronger I felt.
Good for you that you dumped the wine. Keep coming back for support. I found that the more I came on and read and posted, the stronger I felt.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome to SR, Ellyn1328! Alcohol is very crafty, and it uses all of its cunning to trip us up. AVRT was a big help to me. By the time I discovered it (and SR) I was really ready for a change. I know full well that I can't have "just one"...when that comes to me I "play the tape to the end." There's only one way it ever ends.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,359
Hi and welcome Ellyn 
as long as you have Java, the chat room should work (although it's being spotty recently but the problem is not at our end).
simply go to the 'chat room' link - it's on the far right hand side of the toolbar that runs across the top of the page...next to 'log out'
click it and you're away
D
as long as you have Java, the chat room should work (although it's being spotty recently but the problem is not at our end).
simply go to the 'chat room' link - it's on the far right hand side of the toolbar that runs across the top of the page...next to 'log out'
click it and you're away
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,854
Welcome to SR, Ellyn; you will find a lot of support, understanding and encouragement here and it's 24/7!!!!!!
Glad that you poured out the wine.
Your AV is trying to convince you that it is what you want. It isn't.
Glad that you are here.
Glad that you poured out the wine.
Your AV is trying to convince you that it is what you want. It isn't.
Glad that you are here.
Re-Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,909
Welcome to SR and congrats on one-plus year. Glad you poured that bottle out and have recognized you need something more in your recovery. Using this forum as a place to ask for help for myself and, just as importantly, helping others when I can has been the most important part of my own recovery plan.
You don't have to just use the chat room to get "real time" responses. These forums are open and active 24 hours a day as well. If you're in trouble, a quick post here asking for help will usually generate multiple responses within minutes.
Looking forward to getting to know you better...
You don't have to just use the chat room to get "real time" responses. These forums are open and active 24 hours a day as well. If you're in trouble, a quick post here asking for help will usually generate multiple responses within minutes.
Looking forward to getting to know you better...
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