Spacegoat

Really thought about drinking this evening. And why not? I have no autonomy over my life. I'm disrespected, manipulated and dehumanized no matter what I do. Wether I do right or do wrong it's the same results. Sobriety means nothing to me only that it is finally clear how horrible my life has really been. I put a lot of effort into hiding that fact. Sobriety means nothing to me when I can't get any help sober, at least if I was drunk I would demand someone heard me. Wether I could put it into words or not (I never could not suprisingly) I'd at least be making noise. Why I am even trying I don't know.

Mountainmanbob

If I play the poor me poor me for too long it will sound like pour me another drink.
Mountainman

Spacegoat

Thats what I am saying isn't it? What is the difference. This is just as terrible.

I went to edit my post - forget it. Nobody cares and nobody listens, I should know this by now.

I should have picked up those beers I stood thinking about it for long enough.

beerbgone

Alcohol is not going to change anything.

sg1970

A few months into sobriety I decided I could wallow in the negative or focus on the positive. It's work especially when the positive can seem so elusive. But like all the other tools I've been gifted the more I practice it the easier it gets. These days I am generally content even though there are less than ideal circumstances ,a less than ideal past, and an unforeseeable future. As far as I can tell we only live once and i'll be damned if I am going to spend the rest of my life wallowing in crap like I have for the first 45 years of it.

Recovery can be wonderful but you have to make a decision and work at it. Hang in there Strat.

saoutchik

Strat man - maybe it doesn't feel like it but you are doing better.

I remember your early posts because you joined about the same time as me and they were really long and had a kind of 'scatter gun' feel to them. Recently your posts are succinct and follow a narrative thread. Mentally you seem to me to be in a much better place (I hope that didn't come over as patronising)

All that doesn't pay the rent or put food on the table but it does put you in the race.

I would drink in order to avoid uncomfortable truths but I ended up making them more uncomfortable and didn't avoid them

I note also that you did the smart thing and posted here instead of drinking. Would the 2014 Strat have done that?

Verte

Stratman, there was a day where I realized that if deep down I did not give a **** about myself, body and mind, how could I reasonably expect anyone else to do so?

Until you care about yourself most, you will remain suspicious of how much everyone cares, regardless of what is said or done.

Save your own life. Give a **** about yourself. That is valuable.

peanut44

I struggle with self esteem issues often. I look in the mirror and to me, I'm unattractive, old and worn out. It's like I aged quite a bit in the many years I was taking pills. In reality, I'm 47 and in pretty good shape, considering. My husband has often told me that he wishes I could see myself thru his eyes. I wish I could!!

I'm not a selfish person but I'm very self centered and its hard to do different. But by helping others, it gets you out of yourself.

There are always people who have it a lot worse than us, even though on the outside, they seem fine. I met one the other day at work. Been working with her for a few months and had no idea that she had been thru so much. She said, most mornings, it's just hard to get out of bed.

If you have 1 day sober then you have a little bit to give. And by giving, you receive.

Spacegoat

Jesus Christ so much for an early night when the other person just woke me up going to bed. Happens every time.

Well like all human beings I have to get some rest someway somehow so I will let you guys know if I am drinking etc.

Spacegoat

I have nothing left to give at this stage, peanut. I've been used, abused, cheated and robbed at every turn of my life.

Dee74

If you stay sober you have every chance in the world of solving your problems Strat.

If you drink again, all you're doing is feeding them.
You'd be giving your consent for the pain and suffering to continue.

D

peanut44

Do you have any acquaintances, friends, relatives? Do you have a doctor? I'm not sure about all your history but there are always resources.

There has to be something besides alcohol that brings you joy.

Baby animals come to mind. How could you be upset in a room with little kittens crawling all over you? Just a thought!

And you have us and that's positive. At least you can vent in a safe place.

Spacegoat

Gee Dee don't be putting that on me man, I am fully intending to drink tomorrow- I need to get some rest.

Hate to moan guy's but I'm in quite a bit of emotional pain here for the first time in a while along with the usual mental exhaustion and slight physical discomfort. Actually my physical discomfort is peaking the past while, an acid reflex stress thing that I've had for most of my life.

I got up from bed to ask a question, and it's a genuine one. What does it mean to give a **** about yourself??? Really, I am stumped about that.

Dee74

I mean it tho Strat - it's the difference between you allowing this pain and suffering to continue or not.

You already know where drinking leads - you've been there.

I couldn't answer that for most of my adult life.

It would be like asking me what it's like to fly in space.

It was an experience I simply never had.

I worked hard on myself that first year I quit tho.

I learned to give a damn about myself.

I learned that punishing myself myself over and over for things in my past, and things other people had done to me, was an endless loop.

I learned that I'd been down for so long that not being down scared the crap out of me.

I accepted that, while I could never bring any of my tormentors to any kind of justice, I actually had a say in whether I let the pain go on or not.

I accepted I needed help.

I accepted that help might not come with the first hand I grabbed or even the fortieth, but I knew support, help and healing was out there.

I let that faith grow...I started to think about my suffering as something with an end, not an eternity.

I moved from existing to living again.

Don't give up Strat.

Verte

Thanks for sharing your experience, Dee. Your wisdom is invaluable.

Sorry to wake you up. I know you are so tired. And really, I considered erasing what I wrote in the previous post and walking away, but thinking about that question has served me well in this lifetime.

Stratman, you have so much power. You need to believe this. And if you do not, then today is a great day to start walking the road to believing. Every day is a new day.

Paraphrasing Eleanor Roosevelt, I believe, is that nobody takes our power from us, we give it away. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Giving a darn about yourself means something different to each of us. But there are similarities. All of the suggestions I have given to you in the past Threads are practices that I myself have practiced. I would not suggest doing something that I have not already done for myself. I am just an ordinary human that is figuring out how to live my best life.

You, Stratman, are not disposable. Do not throw yourself in the garbage. Not drinking is a great step in the direction of not allowing yourself to be thrown away by anyone, but especially by yourself.

This may sound harsh but I do not know other ways of writing what I wrote. Every time you suggest that no one cares, you are fueling the wrong fire. There are many people that care. It needs to start with you. Do not drink. You have the power.

And with sincerity, why do you need to be drunk in order to demand to be heard? You want to be heard. What are you trying to say and how are you saying it?

ckoures

I used to think as I drank, after another tirade or cold shoulder, this is what a loser like me deserved. It was wonderful. Ramped up my self loathing like no one's business. Feel ashamed the next day? Even better for me. I might never find a wholesome relationship, but I will be darned, and I am 52, if I let the person or people who fueled my self hate win one more time. I believe in your abilities to form the life you want.

Savior

Stratman, if it helps, I don't even know you but you still matter to me (you matter to all of us).

Just a thought, and I'm only brainstorming here: if you're not happy with your life then make someone else's life better. Feed the hungrey, play a game with a senior citizen, pay for the coffee for the person behind you.

PurpleKnight

No problem in my experience ever got solved with alcohol Strat.

With a clear mind, and a foundation of Sobriety I could finally take control of my life and start to work out some real solutions!!

Hang in there, alcohol is not the answer!!

Dee74

how are you doing Strat?

D

Spacegoat

Hey Dee man thanks for asking. And guy's, thanks and sorry about the moan. I've got the manful today! Lol, so add that to the usual stuff and such is life.

But most clouds have a silver lining is how I like to look at things, on the flip side of aching and paining all over all day I'm confident I might sleep tonight. (maybe)

Hey Verte I just want to clarify- your post didn't wake me up lol, nor did the question keep me awake I just couldn't really come up with anything much in my thoughts. I just logged on for a quick look when I got up to use the toilet as I often do when I'm staring at the ceiling all night so no worries.

Missed my MHP appointment this morning! But I spoke with the dude and we rescheduled, I got a genuine vibe off him over the phone too (even though I'm half out on my feet) so that's good. I almost missed the train yesterday to go see my kid also which would have been worse, much worse for me. His mother has already disappointed him this summer twice by bringing him to the rendezvous point twice during the holiday time that she asked for off in the court, I was annoyed about missing that time in the first instance but fair enough the dates were clarified then by her showing up during those dates.

I can only assume she did it on purpose which is sad, she also made threats and conditions about the weekend yesterday which is unnecessary stress for me and the kid and I think this is what i was feeling last night, I was in his shoes anyway. Meeting with the solicitor next week so actually, I'm going to write these points down incase I'm all about that insomnia and come across as a doofus which is whats happening all these years (let alone throwing alcohol on top, I dunno was it you dee that said it but there is no better analogy for it than throwing petrol on an open flame)

Thats about it for now, I didn't read the forums yet and not to go OT but did you all see that explosion in China? Woah, scary stuff.