soberforbaby

Had a talk with my wife about how I am quitting and need her help. I guess it is normal for someone who is not an alcoholic to understand. Not blaming her. Everything is my fault.

soberforbaby

typo "I guess it is normal for someone who is not an alcoholic to NOT understand"

Coldfusion

I would say it is the rule that non-addicts do not understand addiction. Read around the "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" section to see how our addictions affects others. And here is a thread on this topic:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sking-why.html

Soberwolf

What is really important is that you understand this its nice if a partner is understanding to a point for instance mrs sw wanted no alcohol in the home i said because ive stopped drinking doesnt mean you have to....mrs sw gave a me a look that could kill so in that sense im glad she understands

but when i got sober mrs sw had moved out and said dont phone me il phone you the hard work was on me & rightly so i had to understand and get sober for me it took 3 months of constantly landing on my ass before i finally stayed sober

im glad i done that alone cold turkey the lot (not promoting cold turkey) if mrs sw was around it would of been heartbreaking for her & i already put her through enough worrying

There are things mrs sw does understand & then there are things only another alcoholic could understand so i try to keep that balanced

Create healthy boundries and know SR is here 24/7 post as much as you want youl find so much support & understanding here & you can always invite her to friends & family if that helps or there is al anon if she is interested

Spk soon bud

MIRecovery

My wife is extremely supportive and knowledgeable about addiction and recovery but in reality she doesn't have a clue what being an alcoholic is like

Nonsensical

If non-alcoholics understood, then SR would not have 150,000+ members.

soberforbaby

Thanks all. She doesn't have to get it and I appreciate it's my mess. Starting to feel like she is ready to leave and I almost want her to just to prolong my fit of self pity and destruction. She is the LOML and has brought me kids and all I love in this world.

CodeJob

Hello Soberforbaby,

Your situation sounds somewhat like my marriage. My H (beer man) discovered that when he relapsed, he had a kindling effect. His anxiety went through the roof and he switched from beer to vodka to try to recapture that alcoholic state he preferred. He was mean on vodka. Spewing vindictive language identifying me as the c word right in front of our kid was a big cue card that he had relapsed.

I was on my second reading of Codependent No More when he got vile. I snapped and had the locks changed that next weekend. He was livid, but my new training in boundaries inadvertently caused him to opt for rehab. He did the work there. He has been sober now for 2+ years and has been rebuilding his life. He still has inner demons that I'd wish he'd work on, but I'm not in charge of his recovery, am I?

I did exceedingly little for my husband's recovery. I went to family day at his rehab. I guess that counts. My recovery actions were all about me protecting myself and my kid from no longer dealing with a drunk at home. I had decided enough was enough. I was learning to state my boundaries and enforce them for me. I went to Al Anon for me. All of my step work was to improve myself, not my husband. I'm not particularly religious, but I like the 12 steps because I like Carl Jung. I saw they were a clearly designed way to mature if you were willing to do the work.

I hope you figure it out what works for you - and then do it.

Soberwolf

Im really glad your here with us soberforbaby keep on keepin on

soberforbaby

Thanks. I am not mean to my wife when drinking but honestly I am not as nice as I used to be. Interesting person Carl Jung. I just read up on him. I am not religious at all so AA was never appealing to me. However AA works for others and I can't criticize. Like this board and all the great posts.

Ghosts31

Thank you SoberForbaby and Soberwolf ... Your posts both reflect some of my current situation and issues I have been wrestling with the last few weeks ... Except my SO/friend is understanding that I need to stop drinking forever and has encouraged that for a long time and has been very supportive.
The support has been mostly from a distance lately, which is hard, but at the same I understand because I did some terrible things when I was drunk and feel lucky to be on the road to forgiveness at all.
Also at the same time we both realize we have to solve our own issues in our own way and time and apart is the best way to do that ... Yet there is always hope of things coming back together, especially having seen each other twice in the past three days and having nice talks. While I recognize I need to be sober for myself a part of me is also doing it for her as she is my best friend and someone I want in my life more than anything ... Especially booze.
The hardest part is keeping that patience and giving the SO the space she needs as and vice versa and waiting until the time is right
Sorry for rambling... I hope even a little of that made any sense : )

Anna

Soberforbaby, your situation is pretty typical. Others just really don't get it, which is why we come here to talk and share. When I stopped drinking, my husband and kids had no interest at all in why I had begun drinking or how I would stop. They did however, really want me to get well 'on my own'. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it was worth it.

Fly N Buy

Yea, after many, many "talks" I needed to demonstrate actions. All the words had been spoken. Sometimes, I believed myself. She's probably just numb at this point. Get sober and show her you mean business. Love is action as well, not words - in my experience.

If my wife understood alcoholism she would have taken the kids and left 20 years ago. I love reading my wife doesn't understand.

Thank God, it saved my marriage

soberforbaby

I'm having a heart to heart with my wife tonight. I understand it is not her job to help me. Only I can do it. I just need her to know how much of a mess I am and need to confess. I could drink behind her back until I die. She is so naive. I am not going to.

Alynn

My husband doesn't understand either. He has never been a drinker at all... I know it's hard. Glad you are here!

Coldfusion

Here's another thread to look at:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5491843

Dee74

Hi soberforbaby

the really good thing is there's a ton of support here and in other places. Don't get too hung up on getting your wife to understand - it would be nice but it's not necessary in order for you to recover.

I understand too that you're worried about your marriage.

When you stay sober and work on yourself and your life, she will doubtless notice those changes - they speak louder than any of our words ever could

D

thomas11

Of course it is, I get the same thing in my house and it really pisses me off sometimes. But with some sober time I've realized that everything is NOT my fault, but a lot of it is. And I have to accept that. Sorry you feeling a little low. It will get better.

ps. I hope you understand I was joking, everything is not your fault, but spouses don't understand, so it becomes our fault.

maia1234

SFB- speaking from the "other side" we don't understand. Let me tell you we have "tried" to understand addiction. If you are not an addict, you can't comprehend.

But in my "alanon" opinion, actions speak louder then words. STAY SOBER, work a recovery program and be honest!!! That is the only thing that a spouse truly wants. "We" haven't gotten that in a long time. It's nice that you care about making amends to the people you hurt. I know that you don't like AA but they truly break down what you need to do, to truly "recover" from this horrible disease. IMO!!

Hugs my friend, I would give my right arm to have my XAH grow up, sober up and work a program!!

sugarbear1

You can meet supportive people in AA and you don't need to do anything other than have that support. Just an option.

Glad you are staying stopped!