I had a rough night last night
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
I had a rough night last night
I wanted to drink so bad last night.
I had a crappy day. I was tired when I woke up, even though I probably got "enough" sleep (8 hours) I could have gone on sleeping but I had to go to work and the alarm was going off. I had a 12+ hour workday yesterday and I knew it was going to be that way when I woke up. I let myself get annoyed, then something happened at work that was very stressful. I won't go into it but it is this (honest) mistake I made (not alcohol related at all) that could end up having terrible consequences later this year, and yesterday it reared it's ugly head. In the middle of the day. I was actually on my way to get some lunch when the call came in and after that I completely lost my appetite. When it was all finally all over, I went to my girlfriend's house and got my cat and went home. I needed to be alone.
I wanted to drink when I got home. I had I can't tell you how many arguments with myself. My argument was weak, too. Nothing resonated. All I could say to myself was "wait til tomorrow. If it seems like a good idea tomorrow, then fine." I didn't want to come on here and reach out. I really didn't want to.
I remembered HALT. I was hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. I still hadn't eaten anything. So I made some crappy quick food, ate it, and felt way better. I called my girlfriend, who I had been kind of snippy to earlier. I petted my cat and went to bed early.
I can't let these things take over my brain. I'm glad I was grounded enough to say "no" and mean it. I'm glad I can come here and talk about it.
Onward, day 11....
I had a crappy day. I was tired when I woke up, even though I probably got "enough" sleep (8 hours) I could have gone on sleeping but I had to go to work and the alarm was going off. I had a 12+ hour workday yesterday and I knew it was going to be that way when I woke up. I let myself get annoyed, then something happened at work that was very stressful. I won't go into it but it is this (honest) mistake I made (not alcohol related at all) that could end up having terrible consequences later this year, and yesterday it reared it's ugly head. In the middle of the day. I was actually on my way to get some lunch when the call came in and after that I completely lost my appetite. When it was all finally all over, I went to my girlfriend's house and got my cat and went home. I needed to be alone.
I wanted to drink when I got home. I had I can't tell you how many arguments with myself. My argument was weak, too. Nothing resonated. All I could say to myself was "wait til tomorrow. If it seems like a good idea tomorrow, then fine." I didn't want to come on here and reach out. I really didn't want to.
I remembered HALT. I was hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. I still hadn't eaten anything. So I made some crappy quick food, ate it, and felt way better. I called my girlfriend, who I had been kind of snippy to earlier. I petted my cat and went to bed early.
I can't let these things take over my brain. I'm glad I was grounded enough to say "no" and mean it. I'm glad I can come here and talk about it.
Onward, day 11....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
It's amazing you were able to endure all that and not drink!!!! You sound like a person that is determined to quit drinking. Very inspirational. Maybe look at it this way. If you can get through all that and not drink, you can probably get through anything. Thanks for posting. John
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 626
Look at you!
You did everything right to not drink. You recognized the causes and you fixed each one, reaping the rewards.
Not sure what's going on in your work place but it sounds to me like you have your head on straight.
Keep pushing thru. We are all in this with you!
You did everything right to not drink. You recognized the causes and you fixed each one, reaping the rewards.
Not sure what's going on in your work place but it sounds to me like you have your head on straight.
Keep pushing thru. We are all in this with you!
as I read and I felt your victory 
at the conclusion!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Thanks, everyone.
I'm very thankful for yesterday, actually. It was a crappy day and a difficult evening. But it was just that, a crappy day and a difficult evening. That's life. Truth be told I really would have been unlikely to have gone on some kind of rager; I did have to wake up this morning, and that was pretty unlike me. I was still somewhat responsible. I might have drank a bottle of wine alone in my house, and woke up kind of fuzzy this morning. I would likely have eaten way more crappy food than I did. I would likely have not called my girlfriend, but that wouldn't have been the end of the world because I wasn't mean, just snippy, and I told her about the work thing and she understood. I wasn't likely to have been destructive to others, just myself. "Just" myself, right? I would have been a little bit more of a mess, not less of a mess. I also would have stewed the entire time about my day, instead of doing what I needed to do, which was go to sleep and move on.
But I woke up with my cat purring and batting my face asking to play and be fed, and I wasn't "mildly" hung over, so I played with her and fed her. And so far today I've had to deal with that stressful thing, and it's a little less stressful because I have some perspective, and a big reason I do is that I didn't drink last night, so I'm alert and I've not numbed the thoughts and fears that it brings up; I've been facing them.
It's not as easy as I know it is when you've had more time, but it is a little easier. A tiny bit. Gratitude is a big deal.
I post in the August group a little bit, although not too much because it's hard for me to keep up!
but early on I think I posted about one of my inspirations for really doing this: a high school friend who noted her 8 year sober anniversary on social media. She said "8 years. One day at a time. Thank you" and in the comments said "so many less messes". She didn't say "no messes", she said "so many less messes". She said "thank you" to no one in particular, but seemed like it was directed at life in general. That's the way I perceived it, and it struck me. It's something I'm remembering right now. I will have messes. I trust that this will help me have less, not more. It is proving itself to be true. This group helps me have the clarity to see that, most of the time.
I've been thinking about going to a meeting, although I'm gun shy because I'd had one bad and several underwhelming experiences with it before. I know the bad experience was actually a bad experience, but think the underwhelming ones may have been due to my attitude before. I was looking for some giant bolt of light that made it all better. I'm pretty sure sobriety doesn't look like that. If it did, it might be in a martini glass, I'd imagine. It seems like it might just be helpful. I don't have time the next few days (checked the schedules when I woke up this morning) but at the end of the week I should be able to. I understand why they say "90 in 90" and if I can't do it (I can't, it's logistically impossible) then I can't, but I can still go and that doesn't make me less committed and I know that.
I'm very thankful for yesterday, actually. It was a crappy day and a difficult evening. But it was just that, a crappy day and a difficult evening. That's life. Truth be told I really would have been unlikely to have gone on some kind of rager; I did have to wake up this morning, and that was pretty unlike me. I was still somewhat responsible. I might have drank a bottle of wine alone in my house, and woke up kind of fuzzy this morning. I would likely have eaten way more crappy food than I did. I would likely have not called my girlfriend, but that wouldn't have been the end of the world because I wasn't mean, just snippy, and I told her about the work thing and she understood. I wasn't likely to have been destructive to others, just myself. "Just" myself, right? I would have been a little bit more of a mess, not less of a mess. I also would have stewed the entire time about my day, instead of doing what I needed to do, which was go to sleep and move on.
But I woke up with my cat purring and batting my face asking to play and be fed, and I wasn't "mildly" hung over, so I played with her and fed her. And so far today I've had to deal with that stressful thing, and it's a little less stressful because I have some perspective, and a big reason I do is that I didn't drink last night, so I'm alert and I've not numbed the thoughts and fears that it brings up; I've been facing them.
It's not as easy as I know it is when you've had more time, but it is a little easier. A tiny bit. Gratitude is a big deal.
I post in the August group a little bit, although not too much because it's hard for me to keep up!
but early on I think I posted about one of my inspirations for really doing this: a high school friend who noted her 8 year sober anniversary on social media. She said "8 years. One day at a time. Thank you" and in the comments said "so many less messes". She didn't say "no messes", she said "so many less messes". She said "thank you" to no one in particular, but seemed like it was directed at life in general. That's the way I perceived it, and it struck me. It's something I'm remembering right now. I will have messes. I trust that this will help me have less, not more. It is proving itself to be true. This group helps me have the clarity to see that, most of the time. I've been thinking about going to a meeting, although I'm gun shy because I'd had one bad and several underwhelming experiences with it before. I know the bad experience was actually a bad experience, but think the underwhelming ones may have been due to my attitude before. I was looking for some giant bolt of light that made it all better. I'm pretty sure sobriety doesn't look like that. If it did, it might be in a martini glass, I'd imagine. It seems like it might just be helpful. I don't have time the next few days (checked the schedules when I woke up this morning) but at the end of the week I should be able to. I understand why they say "90 in 90" and if I can't do it (I can't, it's logistically impossible) then I can't, but I can still go and that doesn't make me less committed and I know that.
Bexxed 
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
90 in 90 (in my understanding) came from the rehab industry. There is nothing in the actual program of AA (that I've been able to find, anyway - correct me if I'm wrong, AAers) that suggests 90 in 90.
I did it, but in all honesty it was pretty overwhelming. New to sobriety and super raw, it was a pressure I put on myself - no one else in AA put that pressure on me. I mean, some people in the rooms talk about it during meetings, but I think everyone has their own journey to take with sobriety.
I liked some meetings. Others I walked out of because they were too much for me for whatever reason.
It was my path, and after four months I stopped going to meetings. This site has been my primary source of recovery talk. There is a lot of wisdom here.
I did it, but in all honesty it was pretty overwhelming. New to sobriety and super raw, it was a pressure I put on myself - no one else in AA put that pressure on me. I mean, some people in the rooms talk about it during meetings, but I think everyone has their own journey to take with sobriety.
I liked some meetings. Others I walked out of because they were too much for me for whatever reason.
It was my path, and after four months I stopped going to meetings. This site has been my primary source of recovery talk. There is a lot of wisdom here.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 277
Bexxed, thanks for this wonderful inspiration. You're right, a crappy day is just a crappy day, and we can get through them without drink. There are so many good things about waking up sober and walking through our day sober and spending our evenings sober, aren't there?
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