Day One is Over!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 35
Day One is Over!
Hi I'm new here, I found this site from googling "does drinking a fifth of vodka in one day mean I'm an alcoholic?"
Well, I already know the answer to that question. I wasn't in a chatroom, just searching for whatever articles came up, and what I found was similar questions such as this asked in other chats and the answers given of course weren't pretty. "Do you want to die soon?" "Why are you here, and not in the hospital, or in rehab?" And of course the obvious: "well, do you drink that much every day, or just once? Because if you're like most normal people, having a bender once in a blue moon doesn't make you an alcoholic, it's if you drink that much every day, or even half of that every day"…and so on and so forth.
A bit about me. I've always known I've had a bit of an addictive personality. I'm OCD in many ways, a perfectionist, and I care- (a lot)- about what people think of me. Which leads to the fact that I've always thought what I'm doing wasn't that bad, just a sip here, a sip there, and it lead to more and more and more. Lately I've tallied my consumption to be a half of a bottle (fifth) in one day, sometimes more. (not usually less, recently). AndI can't think of when the last day was that I didn't have anything to drink at all in one single day. Yep, I'm pretty much an alcoholic. I try to go a day, just one day, and can't do it!
Well, today I did it. I just wanted to say "I'm so done with this!" to the whole world! But of course, I can't because people don't know that despite what looks like a perfect life on the outside, I'm a scared, vulnerable, totally crazy out of my mind anxious wreck closet alcoholic. And I need HELP.
I found this site, and the only part about it that bothers me of course is that it's public- anyone could read my stuff and follow me and potentially guess who I am. Or even that my husband will get on my computer here and read all of this or find it somehow. I'm not ready for that yet. Maybe someday. Something like that now would cause me to have an excuse to be upset with him and want to drink! He knows I have a problem, but not even close to what extent. He's found things before- empty bottles, etc, but for the most part even when I have a pretty good buzz going I can keep it together. You see I'm a highly functioning closet alcoholic. Otherwise, I'm the picture of health, I eat right, exercise (to the extreme), you name it. I have my own very successful business. My kids are young enough to not know anything (yet). So you see, this is why I have to do this now. Soon enough, my body won't be able to do this without breaking down, and all I'll her left with is this terrible, crippling disease. I pride myself now for being able to "do it all, and have it all, proud for being able to hide it. Heck thats part of the rush of it. Soon enough, my husband will have had enough. It does sometimes cause us to fight, wether it's about the drinking alone, or how I react to things because of it. I'm not the fall down pass out sloppy drunk. Oh now, I hold it together. But God, it's taking such a toll on me. Also, soon enough my kids will be older, and I would rather die than be that mom, that soon people will catch on, when you sit by the same parents and kids at their ballgames…like they wouldn't notice? Or my clients (if they haven't already noticed, from time to time that I act different and then smell it on me?
So last night, when I had finished the last little bit of vodka (my alcohol of choice), I decided, that's it. No more. We have more alcohol in the house, in our bar, in the garage, plenty actually…but it's not opened bottles, and all stuff I don't care for. But it IS there, if I felt I really needed a drink. I don't want to make a big deal of it and toss out everything, because then my husband really would wonder. Am I stupid for thinking I can do this without him being involved? Even knowing to what extent I've gotten to, until maybe waaaay down the recovery road? I so bad wanted to tell him this evening, guess what honey, I haven't had one single sip of alcohol today- aren't you proud of me?? But then he would look at me like, are you serious, is that really an accomplishment to you? Because I'm SCARED. I'm scared that if I fall off this wagon then he'll know even more. It can only do me harm I feel like. I need to go a few days and know I might really be able to do this first.
I've never been in a group like this before. Never sought help. Just prayed and prayed and prayed. Will you guys please put vibes out there for me for the next few days? Anything is appreciated. I'm so sick of thinking about it!! When do you stop thinking about it every minute of the day? And when does the anxiety go away? I just want to be normal again. I want to be free of all addictions and their chains!!
I also have some other questions:
For most people, have you experienced weight loss or gain when stopping drinking? I'm pretty sure if I cut drinking out I would be decreasing my calorie intake but I don't want to replace that with other stuff to feel full. I've seen other people post about keeping ice cream and sugary drinks, and candy bars (heaven forbid) close by to help with cravings?? Oh dear Lord. I never eat that stuff (but can drink bottles of straight alcohol in one week- see, I'm crazy…) But, seriously I'm terrified of gaining weight!
Should I expect withdrawal symptoms or anything? when do they start? (i haven't had any today, although I've been keeping busy, but other than a bit of anxiety and scared feelings that I can't do it, there's been nothing physical.
Ok, so when did ya'll really feel secure and not scared that you couldn't do it anymore? One week? One month? 6 months? 6 years? Just a poll, I suppose..
Then, I'm sure this has been asked many times, but is there a chance I could ever drink socially, like maybe just on the weekend? Or for an event? And then go back to being abstinent? Or should I just plan on being abstinent for the rest of my life? Always, always? I am cringing even as I am typing that. Like, could I really even do that? I know- my BRAIN knows- that I would be so much healthier, and happier, in the long run, like that… but I still want them both! ARRGGHHH
-Is there a mobile-friendly app for this site, so I can have a quick route to you guys on my phone? Or do I have to log on and go thru the whole site (which doesn't seem compatible on my iPhone- the forums are all jumbled, etc). and I rarely sit at my desktop.
Am I rambling on too much for one post??? Sorry, newbie here. Please don't think it's so long you don't even want to respond. I just hope a few of you will read this, at least, and if you only reply to one question or have one bit of advise that would mean so much. Which reminds me, is there a way to find specific answers/ thought/ polls/ opinions to various questions like the ones listed above on this site? When I used the search tool it didn't seem to help. And I guess I could just start reading thousands and thousands of threads but when I have a specific thing on my mind I like to find info on just that…til it's on to the next thing, of course
I'm off to bed, and hopefully no anxiety attacks…and praying I can do this again tomorrow. One day at a time, for now I guess.
I'm glad to be here. I feel better already. Like I got something off my chest. And now I'm held accountable by others, too
Well, I already know the answer to that question. I wasn't in a chatroom, just searching for whatever articles came up, and what I found was similar questions such as this asked in other chats and the answers given of course weren't pretty. "Do you want to die soon?" "Why are you here, and not in the hospital, or in rehab?" And of course the obvious: "well, do you drink that much every day, or just once? Because if you're like most normal people, having a bender once in a blue moon doesn't make you an alcoholic, it's if you drink that much every day, or even half of that every day"…and so on and so forth.
A bit about me. I've always known I've had a bit of an addictive personality. I'm OCD in many ways, a perfectionist, and I care- (a lot)- about what people think of me. Which leads to the fact that I've always thought what I'm doing wasn't that bad, just a sip here, a sip there, and it lead to more and more and more. Lately I've tallied my consumption to be a half of a bottle (fifth) in one day, sometimes more. (not usually less, recently). AndI can't think of when the last day was that I didn't have anything to drink at all in one single day. Yep, I'm pretty much an alcoholic. I try to go a day, just one day, and can't do it!
Well, today I did it. I just wanted to say "I'm so done with this!" to the whole world! But of course, I can't because people don't know that despite what looks like a perfect life on the outside, I'm a scared, vulnerable, totally crazy out of my mind anxious wreck closet alcoholic. And I need HELP.
I found this site, and the only part about it that bothers me of course is that it's public- anyone could read my stuff and follow me and potentially guess who I am. Or even that my husband will get on my computer here and read all of this or find it somehow. I'm not ready for that yet. Maybe someday. Something like that now would cause me to have an excuse to be upset with him and want to drink! He knows I have a problem, but not even close to what extent. He's found things before- empty bottles, etc, but for the most part even when I have a pretty good buzz going I can keep it together. You see I'm a highly functioning closet alcoholic. Otherwise, I'm the picture of health, I eat right, exercise (to the extreme), you name it. I have my own very successful business. My kids are young enough to not know anything (yet). So you see, this is why I have to do this now. Soon enough, my body won't be able to do this without breaking down, and all I'll her left with is this terrible, crippling disease. I pride myself now for being able to "do it all, and have it all, proud for being able to hide it. Heck thats part of the rush of it. Soon enough, my husband will have had enough. It does sometimes cause us to fight, wether it's about the drinking alone, or how I react to things because of it. I'm not the fall down pass out sloppy drunk. Oh now, I hold it together. But God, it's taking such a toll on me. Also, soon enough my kids will be older, and I would rather die than be that mom, that soon people will catch on, when you sit by the same parents and kids at their ballgames…like they wouldn't notice? Or my clients (if they haven't already noticed, from time to time that I act different and then smell it on me?
So last night, when I had finished the last little bit of vodka (my alcohol of choice), I decided, that's it. No more. We have more alcohol in the house, in our bar, in the garage, plenty actually…but it's not opened bottles, and all stuff I don't care for. But it IS there, if I felt I really needed a drink. I don't want to make a big deal of it and toss out everything, because then my husband really would wonder. Am I stupid for thinking I can do this without him being involved? Even knowing to what extent I've gotten to, until maybe waaaay down the recovery road? I so bad wanted to tell him this evening, guess what honey, I haven't had one single sip of alcohol today- aren't you proud of me?? But then he would look at me like, are you serious, is that really an accomplishment to you? Because I'm SCARED. I'm scared that if I fall off this wagon then he'll know even more. It can only do me harm I feel like. I need to go a few days and know I might really be able to do this first.
I've never been in a group like this before. Never sought help. Just prayed and prayed and prayed. Will you guys please put vibes out there for me for the next few days? Anything is appreciated. I'm so sick of thinking about it!! When do you stop thinking about it every minute of the day? And when does the anxiety go away? I just want to be normal again. I want to be free of all addictions and their chains!!
I also have some other questions:
For most people, have you experienced weight loss or gain when stopping drinking? I'm pretty sure if I cut drinking out I would be decreasing my calorie intake but I don't want to replace that with other stuff to feel full. I've seen other people post about keeping ice cream and sugary drinks, and candy bars (heaven forbid) close by to help with cravings?? Oh dear Lord. I never eat that stuff (but can drink bottles of straight alcohol in one week- see, I'm crazy…) But, seriously I'm terrified of gaining weight!
Should I expect withdrawal symptoms or anything? when do they start? (i haven't had any today, although I've been keeping busy, but other than a bit of anxiety and scared feelings that I can't do it, there's been nothing physical.
Ok, so when did ya'll really feel secure and not scared that you couldn't do it anymore? One week? One month? 6 months? 6 years? Just a poll, I suppose..
Then, I'm sure this has been asked many times, but is there a chance I could ever drink socially, like maybe just on the weekend? Or for an event? And then go back to being abstinent? Or should I just plan on being abstinent for the rest of my life? Always, always? I am cringing even as I am typing that. Like, could I really even do that? I know- my BRAIN knows- that I would be so much healthier, and happier, in the long run, like that… but I still want them both! ARRGGHHH
-Is there a mobile-friendly app for this site, so I can have a quick route to you guys on my phone? Or do I have to log on and go thru the whole site (which doesn't seem compatible on my iPhone- the forums are all jumbled, etc). and I rarely sit at my desktop.
Am I rambling on too much for one post??? Sorry, newbie here. Please don't think it's so long you don't even want to respond. I just hope a few of you will read this, at least, and if you only reply to one question or have one bit of advise that would mean so much. Which reminds me, is there a way to find specific answers/ thought/ polls/ opinions to various questions like the ones listed above on this site? When I used the search tool it didn't seem to help. And I guess I could just start reading thousands and thousands of threads but when I have a specific thing on my mind I like to find info on just that…til it's on to the next thing, of course
I'm off to bed, and hopefully no anxiety attacks…and praying I can do this again tomorrow. One day at a time, for now I guess.
I'm glad to be here. I feel better already. Like I got something off my chest. And now I'm held accountable by others, too
Last edited by Denial101; 08-10-2015 at 07:15 AM. Reason: title change
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 35
Good Monday Morning! Starting Day 2! This wouldn't post last night (after searching in the help and FAQ sections I saw that you should just post a one word title and then go back and edit the title. Well, well! So, like I said this was actually written yesterday- late Sunday evening- but now it's on here 
Just re-reading what I wrote helped to give me a boost to stay committed. One day at a time. Here's to Day TWO!
Just re-reading what I wrote helped to give me a boost to stay committed. One day at a time. Here's to Day TWO!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: maine
Posts: 158
Hi - I drank like you for many years, high functioning - great job, kids who I THOUGHT didn't know - husband who kinda knew - Guess what happened?
I lost my job because of being drunk on the job, lost my license in a poor attempt at suicide, using vodka - my children are barely speaking to me and being in a small town - I'm now known as one of the town drunks. Please stop now. My life is getting inch by inch better since not drinking and asking for help. Your children, husband and especially YOU deserve better. Keep on the path.
I lost my job because of being drunk on the job, lost my license in a poor attempt at suicide, using vodka - my children are barely speaking to me and being in a small town - I'm now known as one of the town drunks. Please stop now. My life is getting inch by inch better since not drinking and asking for help. Your children, husband and especially YOU deserve better. Keep on the path.
aka Nesty
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northern Vt.
Posts: 1,554
Denial Congrats on day 2 - & taking control back to your life !! If you look down below this page , you will see a button to click says Forum jump . There's all kinds of threads to check out .
Some here can even give you links to things you may won't to read too . Lots of helpful info .. Welcome
Some here can even give you links to things you may won't to read too . Lots of helpful info .. Welcome
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 23
Thank you so very much for this post and I am also a alcoholic with a very addictive personality and OCD as well it's always been all or nothing for me and unfortunately my addiction was all the alcohol i could possibly consume and i ended up with nothing but a thirst for more and more I am 44 years old and i have been drinking since i was 8 years old of course back then i only drank when i could sneak it or steal it from a adult family member my supposed GOD FATHER introduced me to alcohol at the age of 8 years old along with a sleeping aid for his pwn sick intentions of molesting me he was 28 this went on for four years over the years i have always battled with the craving i had for alcohol with no care or reguard for all it had destroyed and cost me i am tired of these never ending rollercoaster ride heading straight to hell and i am the one with my foot on the gas i am the one who can stop this no one else can just me its that simple but oh so hard its been a part of my life for 36 years and i am 44 thats the reality of the insanity i have allowed for way to long i am taking responsibility hence forth to not pick up to not drink and learn to live my life all over again sober without the crutch of another drink i am stronger than the strongest drink i've ever drank and i know i can do this one day at a time 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yes. There is an App. I think it's 99cents.
I know most of us here who are abstinent spent a lot of wasted time and energy trying moderation (you know, drink on special occasions, etc.)
My guess is that it won't work for you - just like it didn't work for us. You have all the classic signs.
Total abstinence is much easier than trying to moderate. I finally don't have symptoms of anxiety and depression - but it took a long time (many months) for my body and brain to heal.
A little bit of alcohol for an alcoholic doesn't work. It may work once or for a week, but eventually I ended up back where I was. I didn't want one or two drinks - I wanted the total escape/numbness/high. Alcoholism is like a pilot light - it's always on, waiting for me to add more flame.
I know most of us here who are abstinent spent a lot of wasted time and energy trying moderation (you know, drink on special occasions, etc.)
My guess is that it won't work for you - just like it didn't work for us. You have all the classic signs.
Total abstinence is much easier than trying to moderate. I finally don't have symptoms of anxiety and depression - but it took a long time (many months) for my body and brain to heal.
A little bit of alcohol for an alcoholic doesn't work. It may work once or for a week, but eventually I ended up back where I was. I didn't want one or two drinks - I wanted the total escape/numbness/high. Alcoholism is like a pilot light - it's always on, waiting for me to add more flame.
Formerly Ringthedoorbell
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 402
Welcome to SR Denial101.
We are glad you are joining us.
Just my humble opinion, but I think moderation for an alcoholic is a very slippery slope. I think it always leads you right back to where you were when you were so miserable and drinking was ruining your life.
Please post and read often... That has really helped me. It is so nice to know I am not alone in this battle, and neither are you. We are here for you, so lean on us, and you will find inspiration and support.
Best of luck to you on your journey. You can do this, just take it ODAAT.
BTW, congrats on day 2! It will get easier with time...
We are glad you are joining us.
Just my humble opinion, but I think moderation for an alcoholic is a very slippery slope. I think it always leads you right back to where you were when you were so miserable and drinking was ruining your life.
Please post and read often... That has really helped me. It is so nice to know I am not alone in this battle, and neither are you. We are here for you, so lean on us, and you will find inspiration and support.
Best of luck to you on your journey. You can do this, just take it ODAAT.
BTW, congrats on day 2! It will get easier with time...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Ga
Posts: 1,511
Welcome!!!! You are in the right place! I'm a wife and working mom who hid drinking from husband. It's a task isn't it? You are right when you say you can't keep it up. It progresses and that's a fact I've learned the hard way! Stay connected here! I personally cannot have it in my home. My mind would start to try to rationalize sneaking a drink... You have made a great decision!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: usa
Posts: 274
congratulations onn day 2! I am on day 45 and feel so much better. I understand your concern about gaining weight. I gained 20 plus pounds in the last few years from drinking so far my weight has stayed the same which upset me at first since I thought once I quit the weight would fall off. I have developed a sweet tooth which I never had before I guess since I was getting loads of sugar from my wine . I have come to realize after reading posts here and reading books on alcoholism that everntually my body will readjust and I will lose weight as it does. I have already found ways to cut back on the sweets. The most important thing is that I feel so much healthier and I know my relationships are so much better now that I am sober. Keep up the good work!!!
Re-Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,909
Welcome to SR, Denial101. I highly suggest joining and actively participating in the Class of August 2015 thread found on this same forum. It's a great way to learn from and help others who are also in early recovery. Wishing you the best today...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 35
Thanks everyone for your kind words. I've decided to go for full abstinence. As in, not drinking even in moderation, not "one sip" not "one glass" of wine here or there, not even at celebrations or holidays. Day One doesn't deserve that treatment, and chance for falling off the path. I am an all-in kind of person anyway, so who was I cheating by thinking moderation might work? Only myself. I can do this!!!!!
By the way day 2 is going great. No withdrawals, not even much anxiety. Is this normal? I would FREAK out when I thought of quitting before. (before even quitting, which led to more drinking while thinking about quitting, more anxiety upon awakening that I blew it again, so more drinking…the same vicious cycle!)
By the way day 2 is going great. No withdrawals, not even much anxiety. Is this normal? I would FREAK out when I thought of quitting before. (before even quitting, which led to more drinking while thinking about quitting, more anxiety upon awakening that I blew it again, so more drinking…the same vicious cycle!)
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