Rio97

I felt the need to write this and tell a little about myself, with the hopes it might ease some of my inner turmoil. And this is hard for me to do.

I'm past the age where I want to go out and party. Where my younger days were marked by much time spent in bars, or outings, I have little desire to do that anymore. Most of my drinking for the past few years has been at home.

What I'm getting at, and another post made me think of this, is I can be sitting at home, drinking, watching tv, or listening to music, or whatever it is I do, and think I'm having a good time.

That's what alcohol does for me. Pretty pathetic, if you ask me.

D122y

I get it. It was a party when I drank at home.

But, really it was an addiction.

For me, I trusted my upbringing. If was good enough for my Dad...

Instead of booze, today I bought some ultra healthy snacks.

Cliff Bars and POM.

Felt like a million bucks most of the day because of this.

Rio97

Good point, thx for reminding me.

Wastinglife

Aftet I outgrew the bar/nightclub scene, I drank vodka by the gallon just sittingin front of the TV or watching YouTube videos. Everything is awesome with vodka coursing thru your veins.

This then became a daily ritual and the beginning of 10 years of misery....

JaneLane

I can relate to this. I used to be a bartender and drinking was a good time, nothing to even think about. I had a couple of years of "normal" drinking once I quit that job and then it just turned into a daily thing. I'd spend an entire weekend numbed out and playing The Sims or watching films but not remembering them.

You're not alone :-)

Rio97

Jane, your post made me think back. At the end of my "bar run", I was acting so bat-$)&@ crazy that I (for all intents and purposes) practically got banned from every bar I regularly went to. I just felt they didn't want me back.

I think in a way, this home drinking "party" I was having every night was me "licking my wounds" from the embarrassment that caused. Anyway, thought I'd throw that in.

TMI, maybe? I don't know...

Funny thing is, if you knew me sober you'd never guess I could cause that..real Dr. Jeckall/Mr. Hyde thing going on. Alcohol makes me nuts

Thx for the shares everyone, big relief.

Dee74

I think a lot of us gravitated to home drinking in a bid to curtail the embarrassment of public drunkenness.

That's a pretty insane thing to do, when you look at it from this side of the fence.

Have no fear - there is genuine joy excitement and fulfilment to be had sober

Soberwolf

Goood insight Rio

JaneLane

Rio

Yes definitely. I have embarrassed myself many times through drinking and it got to the point where I wouldn't drink when I was out with others, then as soon as I got home I'd make up for it. I was so scared of embarrassing myself or my fiancé.

It's clearly nuts to do what we did, but if we hadn't done it, I know that I certainly would've carried on drinking!

MythOfSisyphus

For many years alcohol was my all purpose home entertainment center. It was both journey and destination, activity and past time. When I was angry or upset it consoled me. When I was happy it was my way of celebrating. But over time it became more of a burden than a release from my cares.

upontheroof

I can definitely relate to this, especially watching films and not remembering them! I had to watch a film again recently because I couldn't remember a thing from the first watch, pretty sad really.

I am a big home alone drinker too, I keep finding myself thinking this would be better with a drink when watching TV at home. I think its the way alcohol quiets my mind so I can relax and actually watch TV without being distracted, but then I'd get so drunk I wouldn't remember what I watched anyway. Maybe its related to short attention span and I'm just not good at focusing on anything for a long time lol

ZetaP38

Thanks for the reminder. Definitely did a lot of 'wound licking'/self-pity parties. Loner drinking was also a sign (for me) of the extreme of selfishness.....I no longer wanted to discover I was almost broke from 'buying rounds' at the bars or doing tip jars.

When I was still married and not quite in full alcoholic swing, I remember being silently mad whenever my (non-alkie) husband would pour himself a drink....that was cutting into *my* booze!

Divorce and loner drinking...I'd found heaven. No more nagging, no more sharing, no more worries. And then, a couple of years later, I began to notice the bars on the cage.

AA Sober and loving a life that is far more amazing than any part of life before alcoholism set in.

PJ
dos 8/98

doggonecarl

If you take out the drinking, are you having a good time watching tv or listening to music sober?

Rio97

Not really Carl. I made a comment on another thread about how boring it all suddenly seems without the booze.

BlueFairy

I noticed tv suddenly got less exciting when I stopped drinking. Face it-when you're drinking you're impaired... you have to get more picky about what you watch. I've been binging on Lost--which I never watched when it was on but I found the first season at a garage sale over the summer. This has brought and old obsession/addiction back--Ebay. That's ok though I never really had a problem with ebay--I just kind of got lazy and appreciated the ease of Amazon.

doggonecarl

What many in recovery call "boredom" I think is either your addiction trying to convince you that drinking will make everything more fun, more interesting. Else it is discontentment with sobriety and we don't know what to call that unsettled feeling, that restlessness, so we call it "feeling bored".

I watch tv, enjoy it; listen to music; I enjoy it...heck, I can sit on my hands and look out the window and enjoy it without needing to drink. You'll adjust too.

Rio97

I think another explanation is I just don't have as much interest in those things if I'm not drinking. It's amazing the hobbies and interests I've given up so I could just drink. Heck, for the longest time, a hobby just got in the way of my time to drink.

I look forward to maybe reconnecting with some of those old interests, or even pursuing some things I've never tried but always wanted to.

Leezer

I think many of us also rationalize, "At least I'm not drinking and driving and won't get a DUI." That logic only works for so long.

BeanSkillet

Too true. I'm realizing now that it's not that I actually enjoy sitting in front of the tv or computer for hours, it's just that there's not that much else I can do while drinking. I used to spend time gardening, writing, working out, reading, etc., but those things became too difficult to focus on when I was drinking every night. It sort of makes me sad thinking about how much more of an interesting person I would be right now if I hadn't been drinking for so much of the last 10 years.

Mikie9

This speaks volumes to me BeanSkillet, thank you. I too found myself doing things with my time that without alcohol would bore me to death.

It took awhile before I was able to recognize I wasn't losing anything by not drinking, I was regaining my freedom to do what I pleased with my time.

Forget the money spent, the time wasted, and the struggle get sober. I finally realized if I did nothing about my drinking I would spend the rest of my life watching youtube videos and movies etc, and doing NOTHING with my time that really made me content.

Alcohol does that for us. It gives us the good feeling without actually doing anything. Easy sure, but not rewarding.