The "high-functioning" myth
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southeast U.S.
Posts: 74
The "high-functioning" myth
Hi everyone,
I'm new here; well, sort of. You see, my screen name was created when I originally visited this site on 11/17/13. But I never posted. I let alcohol win. Almost two years later, I'm back. But this time, I'm serious.
I guess I've been what you can call a high-functioning alcoholic for the last 6 years. I've got a graduate degree, a great job, and I have built a strong reputation for being reliable and a leader at my workplace. I'm not trying to sound braggadocios by any stretch; just want to give you a sense of who I am. I also have 3 children. A daughter in college, an 11 year old son with autism, and a 9 year old son. I've been married for 16 years now, and have a very supportive husband.
So, why am I back? Within the past month, I've started to not be so "high-functioning." I recently began working from home every Monday because I was so hungover from the weekend and so far, no one has really caught on to the trend. I think they just think I'm trying to balance family/work-life because I have such a long commute.
I've also noticed some extremely concerning health issues. I've gained 60 pounds over the last two years, I now have high blood pressure (last reading was 144/100), serious gastro issues, bloating, terrible insomnia when I try to quit drinking, and just overall feel like total crap. I also have heart palpitations and terrible anxiety after a night of heavy drinking.
My poison of choice over the last 6 years has been wine. After a family issue that was quite dramatic, my social drinking picked up to every night drinking. I started with 1 bottle, then 1.5 bottles, and if I didn't black out from that, I would finish two full bottles of cabernet. I also started day drinking every weekend when we were out on our boat. Beer usually, but then I'd top off the day with wine. I rarely drank around my kids (unless it was on the boat), always put them to bed, then snuck into my room with my husband to watch TV and drink.
If you're wondering why I would pass out after 1.5 bottles of wine, it's because in 2002, I had gastric bypass. So, not only does the alcohol no longer have a "holding tank" that we all call a stomach to help break some of it down before it gets into my intestines, it goes straight to my intestines. So, I feel the alcohol high fast, but it feels like it goes away fast, too. But it doesn't. My blood alcohol content stays higher for longer despite the fact that I don't feel as buzzed anymore. That means my organs are exposed to alcohol longer. Dangerous, I know.
So, I finally went last week and asked my doctor for help. Told him the truth about my habits, the symptoms I'm having, etc. He was compassionate, which I didn't expect - I thought for sure he would look at me like I'm a loser. He ordered lab work and I'm going back in this Thursday to review the results. And I'm TERRIFIED about what damage I'm going to find out that I've done over the past several years. But, no way to know unless I actually face the facts. He prescribed me some sleeping medication to help me get through the night without the insomnia. That broke me every time I tried to quit, and there's been about 50 times at least.
Anyway, I'm sorry such a long story, but I intend to stick around and hopefully make some friends here, and I'm sure I'll be inspired by all of you. And I hope I can inspire you, too, as I begin this journey.
I quit one time last year and made it 17 days, so I know I can do this, but I have to do it differently so I don't relapse again.
Thanks for reading, and looking forward to learning from all of you and providing support where I can. I KNOW I can do this!
MJ
I'm new here; well, sort of. You see, my screen name was created when I originally visited this site on 11/17/13. But I never posted. I let alcohol win. Almost two years later, I'm back. But this time, I'm serious.
I guess I've been what you can call a high-functioning alcoholic for the last 6 years. I've got a graduate degree, a great job, and I have built a strong reputation for being reliable and a leader at my workplace. I'm not trying to sound braggadocios by any stretch; just want to give you a sense of who I am. I also have 3 children. A daughter in college, an 11 year old son with autism, and a 9 year old son. I've been married for 16 years now, and have a very supportive husband.
So, why am I back? Within the past month, I've started to not be so "high-functioning." I recently began working from home every Monday because I was so hungover from the weekend and so far, no one has really caught on to the trend. I think they just think I'm trying to balance family/work-life because I have such a long commute.
I've also noticed some extremely concerning health issues. I've gained 60 pounds over the last two years, I now have high blood pressure (last reading was 144/100), serious gastro issues, bloating, terrible insomnia when I try to quit drinking, and just overall feel like total crap. I also have heart palpitations and terrible anxiety after a night of heavy drinking.
My poison of choice over the last 6 years has been wine. After a family issue that was quite dramatic, my social drinking picked up to every night drinking. I started with 1 bottle, then 1.5 bottles, and if I didn't black out from that, I would finish two full bottles of cabernet. I also started day drinking every weekend when we were out on our boat. Beer usually, but then I'd top off the day with wine. I rarely drank around my kids (unless it was on the boat), always put them to bed, then snuck into my room with my husband to watch TV and drink.
If you're wondering why I would pass out after 1.5 bottles of wine, it's because in 2002, I had gastric bypass. So, not only does the alcohol no longer have a "holding tank" that we all call a stomach to help break some of it down before it gets into my intestines, it goes straight to my intestines. So, I feel the alcohol high fast, but it feels like it goes away fast, too. But it doesn't. My blood alcohol content stays higher for longer despite the fact that I don't feel as buzzed anymore. That means my organs are exposed to alcohol longer. Dangerous, I know.
So, I finally went last week and asked my doctor for help. Told him the truth about my habits, the symptoms I'm having, etc. He was compassionate, which I didn't expect - I thought for sure he would look at me like I'm a loser. He ordered lab work and I'm going back in this Thursday to review the results. And I'm TERRIFIED about what damage I'm going to find out that I've done over the past several years. But, no way to know unless I actually face the facts. He prescribed me some sleeping medication to help me get through the night without the insomnia. That broke me every time I tried to quit, and there's been about 50 times at least.
Anyway, I'm sorry such a long story, but I intend to stick around and hopefully make some friends here, and I'm sure I'll be inspired by all of you. And I hope I can inspire you, too, as I begin this journey.
I quit one time last year and made it 17 days, so I know I can do this, but I have to do it differently so I don't relapse again.
Thanks for reading, and looking forward to learning from all of you and providing support where I can. I KNOW I can do this!
MJ
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 87
Hi MJ,
I start today too, and am confused and scared and, to be honest, in the same boat as you.
I drink a lot with my best friend and husband. But I find myself starting at lunchtime and I don't finish until I go to sleep. I manage a day or two of not drinking anything per week, but can't remember the last time I had a two day stretch.
My tolerance level scares me. I can drink two bottles of wine and can then feel the effect. I often then sneak shots of stuff we have in the house, when no one is around. I often look forward to sitting home alone so no one is judging me by how drunk I get.
My hangovers are like detoxing everyday. I have vomited blood, my teeth hurt, I'm about 20lb overweight, I have heartburn daily and I haven't had a check up in years, but my blood pressure is high (the pharmacy told me) I also binge smoke when super drunk, so my lungs get beaten two or three times a week.
Sorry to hijack your thread, but the amounts/symptoms seem so similar!
I start today too, and am confused and scared and, to be honest, in the same boat as you.
I drink a lot with my best friend and husband. But I find myself starting at lunchtime and I don't finish until I go to sleep. I manage a day or two of not drinking anything per week, but can't remember the last time I had a two day stretch.
My tolerance level scares me. I can drink two bottles of wine and can then feel the effect. I often then sneak shots of stuff we have in the house, when no one is around. I often look forward to sitting home alone so no one is judging me by how drunk I get.
My hangovers are like detoxing everyday. I have vomited blood, my teeth hurt, I'm about 20lb overweight, I have heartburn daily and I haven't had a check up in years, but my blood pressure is high (the pharmacy told me) I also binge smoke when super drunk, so my lungs get beaten two or three times a week.
Sorry to hijack your thread, but the amounts/symptoms seem so similar!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Houston TX
Posts: 94
Thanks for sharing your story MJ - I am sure many of us can relate to portions or all of it, particularly the concern about health issues. What got me off drinking nearly 2 months ago was chronic and aggravate GERD - there was just no way to tackle it without quitting booze. Hopefully you can use the health issue as one of the pillars of your campaign to stay sober: you will be saving your own life, day by day. And if your colleagues consider you to be a leader the way you are now, imagine how you would wow them in 3 months from now!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 20
The good news is you're here. We all wish you the best.
The one thing I learned as a high functioning alcoholic is that I wasn't so high functioning, and it was never my dirty little secret. Most everyone I was close to knew. Even my daughter knew something was wrong with daddy.
Let's work hard to be better.
The one thing I learned as a high functioning alcoholic is that I wasn't so high functioning, and it was never my dirty little secret. Most everyone I was close to knew. Even my daughter knew something was wrong with daddy.
Let's work hard to be better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southeast U.S.
Posts: 74
Glb82 - it definitely does sound like we're similar with quantity, etc! Thanks for commenting. I'm scared, too. But I'm even more scared of what will happen if I continue. I'll lose my job, my family, and probably die within the next year or two. I know this can't go on. I want to be able to say "I'll never drink again, and I'll never change my mind." That was on another member's signature when they posted on a different thread. I thought to myself...THAT is how to commit yourself. Say it with intention and mean it.
I have tried to quit so many times it's getting to be ridiculous. I know I just need to suffer through the first few days of withdrawal symptoms and then I'll feel SO much better. I couldn't believe last time I quit for the 17 days how much better I felt and how little I really missed alcohol. What ruined it for me is that I went to a concert and I ALWAYS drank alcohol at concerts before. So it was more like I was on auto-pilot. Too new in my recovery journey to put myself in that position and so I relapsed.
Glad you're here. Keep posting!
I have tried to quit so many times it's getting to be ridiculous. I know I just need to suffer through the first few days of withdrawal symptoms and then I'll feel SO much better. I couldn't believe last time I quit for the 17 days how much better I felt and how little I really missed alcohol. What ruined it for me is that I went to a concert and I ALWAYS drank alcohol at concerts before. So it was more like I was on auto-pilot. Too new in my recovery journey to put myself in that position and so I relapsed.
Glad you're here. Keep posting!
Catch and Release
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Crazy Canuck
Posts: 441
Hi Journey.
Your story really resonates with me as many of the symptoms and drinking behaviours were very similar to mine.
Practically all of the health problems I had have disappeared now that I am almost 6 months sober. The only thing that I am struggling with is sugar. I have eaten more ice cream in the past 6 months than I've eaten in my life and chocolate, therefore I've not lost weight, but I have lost the bloat associated with drinking and also my skin is so much better. I no longer have that red face that goes along with drinking. Things are so much better - sure I still have some anxiety, but it goes away (exercise helps - walking the dogs, getting outside).
I made the decision to quit forever -no changing my mind. I use this forum for support (reading and posting occasionally) - for me that's been enough. I keep a journal and I try to find the good things in life - the little things that make sobriety worth it. Like waking up sober. Being able to drive any time. Living in the moment and feeling life, no matter how hard.
It's worth it. The anxiety will lessen. Use the sleep aids (I do) - they help and a good nights sleep, for me, is a major key to my sobriety.
You CAN do this. I know you can.
Your story really resonates with me as many of the symptoms and drinking behaviours were very similar to mine.
Practically all of the health problems I had have disappeared now that I am almost 6 months sober. The only thing that I am struggling with is sugar. I have eaten more ice cream in the past 6 months than I've eaten in my life and chocolate, therefore I've not lost weight, but I have lost the bloat associated with drinking and also my skin is so much better. I no longer have that red face that goes along with drinking. Things are so much better - sure I still have some anxiety, but it goes away (exercise helps - walking the dogs, getting outside).
I made the decision to quit forever -no changing my mind. I use this forum for support (reading and posting occasionally) - for me that's been enough. I keep a journal and I try to find the good things in life - the little things that make sobriety worth it. Like waking up sober. Being able to drive any time. Living in the moment and feeling life, no matter how hard.
It's worth it. The anxiety will lessen. Use the sleep aids (I do) - they help and a good nights sleep, for me, is a major key to my sobriety.
You CAN do this. I know you can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southeast U.S.
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Savior 
The good news is you're here. We all wish you the best.
The one thing I learned as a high functioning alcoholic is that I wasn't so high functioning, and it was never my dirty little secret. Most everyone I was close to knew. Even my daughter knew something was wrong with daddy.
Let's work hard to be better.
The one thing I learned as a high functioning alcoholic is that I wasn't so high functioning, and it was never my dirty little secret. Most everyone I was close to knew. Even my daughter knew something was wrong with daddy.
Let's work hard to be better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southeast U.S.
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by JoeinHouston
Thanks for sharing your story MJ - I am sure many of us can relate to portions or all of it, particularly the concern about health issues. What got me off drinking nearly 2 months ago was chronic and aggravate GERD - there was just no way to tackle it without quitting booze. Hopefully you can use the health issue as one of the pillars of your campaign to stay sober: you will be saving your own life, day by day. And if your colleagues consider you to be a leader the way you are now, imagine how you would wow them in 3 months from now!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southeast U.S.
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Calicofish
Hi Journey.
Your story really resonates with me as many of the symptoms and drinking behaviours were very similar to mine.
Practically all of the health problems I had have disappeared now that I am almost 6 months sober. The only thing that I am struggling with is sugar. I have eaten more ice cream in the past 6 months than I've eaten in my life and chocolate, therefore I've not lost weight, but I have lost the bloat associated with drinking and also my skin is so much better. I no longer have that red face that goes along with drinking. Things are so much better - sure I still have some anxiety, but it goes away (exercise helps - walking the dogs, getting outside).
I made the decision to quit forever -no changing my mind. I use this forum for support (reading and posting occasionally) - for me that's been enough. I keep a journal and I try to find the good things in life - the little things that make sobriety worth it. Like waking up sober. Being able to drive any time. Living in the moment and feeling life, no matter how hard.
It's worth it. The anxiety will lessen. Use the sleep aids (I do) - they help and a good nights sleep, for me, is a major key to my sobriety.
You CAN do this. I know you can.
Your story really resonates with me as many of the symptoms and drinking behaviours were very similar to mine.
Practically all of the health problems I had have disappeared now that I am almost 6 months sober. The only thing that I am struggling with is sugar. I have eaten more ice cream in the past 6 months than I've eaten in my life and chocolate, therefore I've not lost weight, but I have lost the bloat associated with drinking and also my skin is so much better. I no longer have that red face that goes along with drinking. Things are so much better - sure I still have some anxiety, but it goes away (exercise helps - walking the dogs, getting outside).
I made the decision to quit forever -no changing my mind. I use this forum for support (reading and posting occasionally) - for me that's been enough. I keep a journal and I try to find the good things in life - the little things that make sobriety worth it. Like waking up sober. Being able to drive any time. Living in the moment and feeling life, no matter how hard.
It's worth it. The anxiety will lessen. Use the sleep aids (I do) - they help and a good nights sleep, for me, is a major key to my sobriety.
You CAN do this. I know you can.
I'm willing to take a chance on the sugar, but because of the gastric bypass, I'll get physically ill if I eat to much of it. So I kind of have a built in deterrent. Let's see if it works...
Thank you for the tips and for responding. I'll use the sleep aids for sure - otherwise I'll maybe get 2 hours of sleep in one night. The insomnia is terrible.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
MJ,
You are in a great forum to help you stop killing yourself.
I tapered and then quit. Some people get pro help.
I was uneducated on the effects of binge drinking. Now I am educated.
So far 92 days. 1daat. God help me. I am fiercely protective, committed, and steadfast in my resolve to never ever drink another drop of booze for as long as I live.
Strong words.
Hope, try, wish are not terms I use when addressing my sobriety intentions.
Keep reading and googling. That is my experience.
Stay sober, your life depends on it.
You are in a great forum to help you stop killing yourself.
I tapered and then quit. Some people get pro help.
I was uneducated on the effects of binge drinking. Now I am educated.
So far 92 days. 1daat. God help me. I am fiercely protective, committed, and steadfast in my resolve to never ever drink another drop of booze for as long as I live.
Strong words.
Hope, try, wish are not terms I use when addressing my sobriety intentions.
Keep reading and googling. That is my experience.
Stay sober, your life depends on it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 20
My "detox" routine that ensued after most weekends was almost comical. Two to three days of recovery: Intense stomach pains, vomiting, diarrhea, no eating, beet red face that usually followed by a gout attack, and always lame excuses of bad Mexican food.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southeast U.S.
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Dee74
Thanks for sharing a little of your story myjourney 
I'm really glad you decided to post - this is a great community - there's a lot of support here
D
I'm really glad you decided to post - this is a great community - there's a lot of support here
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southeast U.S.
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Savior
The good news is you're here. We all wish you the best.
The one thing I learned as a high functioning alcoholic is that I wasn't so high functioning, and it was never my dirty little secret. Most everyone I was close to knew. Even my daughter knew something was wrong with daddy.
Let's work hard to be better.
The one thing I learned as a high functioning alcoholic is that I wasn't so high functioning, and it was never my dirty little secret. Most everyone I was close to knew. Even my daughter knew something was wrong with daddy.
Let's work hard to be better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southeast U.S.
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Savior
My "detox" routine that ensued after most weekends was almost comical. Two to three days of recovery: Intense stomach pains, vomiting, diarrhea, no eating, beet red face that usually followed by a gout attack, and always lame excuses of bad Mexican food.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southeast U.S.
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by D122y
MJ,
You are in a great forum to help you stop killing yourself.
I tapered and then quit. Some people get pro help.
I was uneducated on the effects of binge drinking. Now I am educated.
So far 92 days. 1daat. God help me. I am fiercely protective, committed, and steadfast in my resolve to never ever drink another drop of booze for as long as I live.
Strong words.
Hope, try, wish are not terms I use when addressing my sobriety intentions.
Keep reading and googling. That is my experience.
Stay sober, your life depends on it.
You are in a great forum to help you stop killing yourself.
I tapered and then quit. Some people get pro help.
I was uneducated on the effects of binge drinking. Now I am educated.
So far 92 days. 1daat. God help me. I am fiercely protective, committed, and steadfast in my resolve to never ever drink another drop of booze for as long as I live.
Strong words.
Hope, try, wish are not terms I use when addressing my sobriety intentions.
Keep reading and googling. That is my experience.
Stay sober, your life depends on it.
I won't be using try, hope, etc. either. I'm done with this crap. It has to stop and I don't want my children to lose their mom (nor do I want to die at the young age of 38).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
hello mj, welcome back
You left out a very important detail. And that is, Why do you drink? Why do you think you drink? What causes you to want to drink? Besides it being a 'bad habit' now, it has progressed to the stage of becoming a necessity for you to get along. I assume anyway.
There are a few things to discuss, or how to approach this. First of all, just quitting drinking without knowing why you started and continued drinking in the first place without addressing that issue will be a struggle. You'll need to deal with the psychological struggle (addiction) as well as the physiological addiction.
Then you must figure out how to get there. Can you take time away from work? A week? A month? A month away from your family?
If you can get a month, I recommend going to a 30 day rehab for you. Otherwise do a hospitalized detox and get quit drinking.
Many here quit drinking and use this site as a means of support. Look at the secular connections forum and learn what the "Big Plan" is. That may be up your alley.
You left out a very important detail. And that is, Why do you drink? Why do you think you drink? What causes you to want to drink? Besides it being a 'bad habit' now, it has progressed to the stage of becoming a necessity for you to get along. I assume anyway.
There are a few things to discuss, or how to approach this. First of all, just quitting drinking without knowing why you started and continued drinking in the first place without addressing that issue will be a struggle. You'll need to deal with the psychological struggle (addiction) as well as the physiological addiction.
Then you must figure out how to get there. Can you take time away from work? A week? A month? A month away from your family?
If you can get a month, I recommend going to a 30 day rehab for you. Otherwise do a hospitalized detox and get quit drinking.
Many here quit drinking and use this site as a means of support. Look at the secular connections forum and learn what the "Big Plan" is. That may be up your alley.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southeast U.S.
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by least
Welcome back! 
I'm glad you decided to get sober. I hope the support here can help you do that for good.
I'm glad you decided to get sober. I hope the support here can help you do that for good. Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,506
MJ - Very happy to see you posting. We have to be ready, and it sounds like you are. I tried to quit many times - and was in a similar state when I first posted here. Not feeling alone anymore really helped me. As I wrote and read the posts I could feel my anxiety diminishing. Everyone at SR understands like no one else in our lives can.
Congratulations on making this wise decision to change your life. We know you can.
We have to be ready, and it sounds like you are. I tried to quit many times - and was in a similar state when I first posted here. Not feeling alone anymore really helped me. As I wrote and read the posts I could feel my anxiety diminishing. Everyone at SR understands like no one else in our lives can. Congratulations on making this wise decision to change your life. We know you can.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
