The pathway to misery
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
The pathway to misery
Every now and then, when the stranglehold of anxiety, fear, worry, and all that stuff let's up a bit, some of my old tendencies tend to creep back in. Those tendencies are cynicism, arrogance, lack of humility, feeling overly confident in my own faculties of logic and reason. I tend to discard what I can't hold in my hands and understand, literally or figuratively. But that understanding is tainted by the aforementioned tendencies. I have had a habit of coming to the conclusion, when it comes to addiction, that everyone else is full of crap and I can handle it. (Funny how logic and reason fly out the window when I come to that conclusion!) That kind of thinking always led back to either thinking I could drink safely, or sometimes not even caring what it did to me.
I had a long talk with my sponsor last night about the state of things for me right now and what course of action I should take. I'm still not sure yet, but what I have been considering may end up being the default. He is a trustee of a local sober-living house. It's the sort that does random drug and alcohol testing to ensure that residents are doing (or not doing) what they're there to do. I feel like my life needs a major overhaul. I don't want to go back to the way I was living. I was surviving (barely), but miserable. I still have some time to consider my options, but some kind of change is needed.
Onto other news...I got the results back from my latest labs. All my blood and metabolic numbers are in the normal range. My B12 levels were on the lower end of normal, but I've been taking a supplement since the blood was drawn. So, even if my emotional state is a wreck, physically, looks like I'm gonna live!
I had a long talk with my sponsor last night about the state of things for me right now and what course of action I should take. I'm still not sure yet, but what I have been considering may end up being the default. He is a trustee of a local sober-living house. It's the sort that does random drug and alcohol testing to ensure that residents are doing (or not doing) what they're there to do. I feel like my life needs a major overhaul. I don't want to go back to the way I was living. I was surviving (barely), but miserable. I still have some time to consider my options, but some kind of change is needed.
Onto other news...I got the results back from my latest labs. All my blood and metabolic numbers are in the normal range. My B12 levels were on the lower end of normal, but I've been taking a supplement since the blood was drawn. So, even if my emotional state is a wreck, physically, looks like I'm gonna live!
Re-Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,909
That's good that you are starting to recognize flaws in your own thinking. That's the first step in letting go of those flaws.
Sober living house is not a bad idea at all. A place to live and to build some accountability to yourself and others while you work on your recovery. Doesn't sound like a bad deal to me.
Wishing you the best today...
Sober living house is not a bad idea at all. A place to live and to build some accountability to yourself and others while you work on your recovery. Doesn't sound like a bad deal to me.
Wishing you the best today...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
This is probably the best post I've read from you here, GMO 
So glad to see this level of awareness and that you are listening to your sponsor. I understand how what we subjectively can perceive as logic or superior thought processes can corrupt and compromise everything and lead us back to drinking -- I had been there myself for years in the past. Would not listen to anyone or even consider external opinions seriously -- why I have a 2010 sign up date here and sobriety date in 2014, for example. Intelligence can be a great asset, but the headstrong attitude often associated with it can get equally destructive as well when the thinking becomes distorted, addiction- and anxiety-fueled etc. It is not an empty saying that successful long-term recovery requires us to be humble and open to solutions we may not have chosen previously.
Congrats on the good lab results. All this (health, practical situation, emotions, etc) can only improve if you keep this attitude and proactive strategy.
So glad to see this level of awareness and that you are listening to your sponsor. I understand how what we subjectively can perceive as logic or superior thought processes can corrupt and compromise everything and lead us back to drinking -- I had been there myself for years in the past. Would not listen to anyone or even consider external opinions seriously -- why I have a 2010 sign up date here and sobriety date in 2014, for example. Intelligence can be a great asset, but the headstrong attitude often associated with it can get equally destructive as well when the thinking becomes distorted, addiction- and anxiety-fueled etc. It is not an empty saying that successful long-term recovery requires us to be humble and open to solutions we may not have chosen previously. Congrats on the good lab results. All this (health, practical situation, emotions, etc) can only improve if you keep this attitude and proactive strategy.
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