2261

My fiancé hide his drinking from me the entire relationship (1yr & half). I found out about the alcohol 60 days before our wedding date. We are now 30 days away. He is in recovery, went through detox and now is in intensive therapy. I’ve told him I want to postpone the wedding until we are both in a healthier place cause I feel like I’m going crazy and full of anxiety. That caused him to slip two nights ago. He is not letting go of wedding date and keeps persisting we move forward. Now I’m scared of saying anything because I don’t know what he is going to do. Help!

Fly N Buy

Hi 2261 -

Recovery is a challenge in an of itself, even for those of us who gain some sober time. My opinion - you're going to get a lot on your thread is that you should follow your instincts.


First, not disclosing this is a huge flag and second he just relapsed.

He needs time to work on Him before ya'll can work on and the together part.
What's the rush???

Thanks for the post

suki44883

You are under no obligation to marry this guy unless you are absolutely sure that is what you want to do. Your discussion about postponing the wedding did NOT cause him to slip. He slipped because he wanted to drink. Drinking is what alcoholics do.

Please think long and hard before tying yourself legally to an addict. He has not been in recovery long enough to be getting married. Also, please visit our Friends and Family forum. You will find a lot of helpful support there. Here's a link...

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome to SR!

mrjustin

what Suki said^^^

doggonecarl

The slip is more indicative of what is in your future than the short recovery he had.

You should be scared. Hopefully not to scared to delay, if not outright cancel, the wedding.

least

I too would postpone the wedding date. There's no rush and it sounds like he's not ready for a serious commitment right now. I'd insist the wedding be contingent on his sobriety.

fini

hello 2261,

getting married when you're scared and anxious about it and have asked for a postponement after finding out about a huge secret your fiance kept and he is now insisting on not postponing and just relapsed...no good basis there of trust and joy and maturity for a solid future together.

you know this; it's where your post comes from.

I’ve told him I want to postpone the wedding until we are both in a healthier place cause I feel like I’m going crazy and full of anxiety. That caused him to slip two nights ago

no. he caused himself to drink two days ago. i'm sorry to see you feeling responsible for this; you're not. he's solely responsible for picking up.

Now I’m scared of saying anything because I don’t know what he is going to do.


fear and feeling responsible for what someone else does are not a good basis for a marriage or any relationship.

you'd likely get a lot of help and support in the "family and friends" section farther down the list of forums; people who've been where you are and can speak from experience.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

LBrain

we are all in agreement on this I think. I would make sure he gets a full year of sobriety before you schedule it again. And let him know that if he drinks it's not gonna happen at all. That is the advice I would give to my daughter.

Bird615

Yes! What everyone said already.
As I was reading your post I just kept thinking "Trust your gut on this!"
Best wishes to you and you might want to check out Al-Anon.

ReadyOrNot123

I feel for you, I really do. I remember the excitement of anticipating the wedding and all the expectations of getting married and all of that. You should postpone it though and stand firm. You can always reschedule when you feel more comfortable.

tomsteve

I am extremely glad this all happened before your wedding.
You told him you wanted to postpone the wedding did NOT cause him to drink. He didn't "slip." he drank. It was him that put the bottle/ can to his lips. No outside help.
Yu have fear of saying anything because of what he is going to do. Welp, I suggest ya get some courage, put YOU and YOUR future ahead of what he will do and tell him it doesn't matter what he wants. YOU want to postpone the wedding and it WILL BE postponed.

Please put you and your future first.

Either that or the music at your wedding reception better contain circus music as your future could very well contain insanity.

Carver

I don't want to sound harsh, but I'm an alcoholic (a sober one), and we cannot be trusted while we are still drinking. We will lie, sneak around, and lie some more.

I'm with everybody else here: marrying him before he gets totally sober will only bring you misery. I wish you all the best

ScottFromWI

Tomsteve makes a very, very important point which is hard for those that aren't alcoholics to understand. He drank because he's an alcoholic and he chose to drink, not because you brought up the wedding date. And it's a pretty good indicator that he's not fully invested in his recovery.

You need to set boundaries, and it sounds as though the wedding date is one of those. It's not like you are talking about something trivial...this is someone you are planning to spend the rest of your life with. The fact that he's unwilling to discuss it is a very, very bad sign too. It's also indicative of how he will continue to act in the future. He's already been hiding this from you for over a year - that in itself is very troubling.

Carlotta

to SR
I just wanted to add my voice to the others and recommend that you postpone the wedding. Don't let him pressure you. You did not cause him to drink, he chose to drink and is using his alcoholism and his (lack) of recovery as a tool to pressure and manipulate you.
If you marry him, be prepared to always feel that way; walking on eggshell, not feeling free to communicate with him honestly, worried that he might drink. It's not a way to live.

One thing to keep in mind when it comes to our loved ones alcoholism is the three Cs
We did not Cause it (not your fault if he chose to "slip")
We cannot Control it (he has a right to drink and will always find an excuse to do so no matter what you do)
We cannot Cure it.

I would suggest that you check out the friends and family section of SR
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
and that you also check out Al Anon for face to face support.

I really hope that you stick to your guns and postpone the wedding until he has at least a good sober year (with no slips) under his belt.

Anna

For me, the fact he hid this significant information from you during your relationship, is a huge red flag.

Nowsthetime

Hello:

I am sorry what brings you here. Your entire relationship was based in misinformation. Not disclosing is a huge red flag. I would not only postpone it, I would probably cancel it and start over. Your husband is supposed to be the person you trust the most. How can you trust him after this realization?

You need to put yourself first and imagine the rest of your life. How do you want it to be? You will not change him. He can only do it for himself.

Aellyce

I was in a relationship with an active alcoholic in the past, while I was one myself as well. We both knew about each-others' drinking habit. We made all sorts of big dreams and plans together for years. I made sacrifices I had never in my life thought I would make, for us and for these plans. The problem of course was that nothing came of it. The relationship started to disintegrate when our perceptions and desires diverged more and more... I was very aware of the fact that the drinking got in the way of everything and suggested many times that we should get sober together and do things to stay that way. He remained in denial and refused all this. In the end, I decided no matter how much I loved him and in spite of all the earlier sacrifices, I was better leave for the sake of my own sanity. I did, and while of course kept having intense desires at times to get back on together (which even happened transiently), I think leaving and separating myself from him completely was one of the best decisions I had ever made. A couple months ago I met him again briefly after years of no contact at a work event, and learned that he now wants to get sober as well. I was glad to know this, but still want nothing to do with him and it stays that way. Sometimes I play around with fantasies what might have happened had I not decided to flee back then... not a single possibility makes me think it would have been worth it.

So I am with everyone else on this thread: be very careful and do not buy his attempts to manipulate your thinking and feelings. We alcoholics are masters of lies and manipulation while actively drinking and when relapsing. You have perfect freedom to decide on the wedding date since it's yours just as much as his. You are likely to save a lot of pain and suffering if you don't go ahead with it and proceed with a lot of caution for a good while.

Carlotta

I just wanted to add that he is not in recovery. He still wants to drink more than he wants to be sober.
Someone in recovery would of course have been disappointed but instead of going on a bender because he was not getting his way like a selfish big baby, he would have understood your hesitancy and kept on trucking.
That would have been the loving, healthy way for him to deal with the situation.

Instead, when you told him you were a bit wary and wanted to postpone the wedding because of his drinking, he used it as an excuse to drink some more. How insane is that?

I'd bet anything that if you had not decided to postpone, he still would have drank to have a last "hurray" before being "shackled".
Not that I am psychic or anything lol but this is what alcoholics who are not in recovery do. They will use any excuse to drink.

MIRecovery

When he has a couple of years of sobriety I would consider marriage. Until then be supportive but not enabling

wehav2day

I would just like to add my support to you. Many above have said all the best information.

You are under NO obligation to marry this man at all. This is 2015! It's normal to have a doubt or two, but this is a game changer. As the "a" in my marriage, I really wasn't someone got to marry until I was sober a year. We alkies need to recover, which takes time. You need time to recover too