Hope2014

Please go with your gut instincts and postpone the wedding. Only he can commit to really changing and before legally committing yourself, you need to see he can get sober time under his belt.
Living with an active alcoholic will be hell. It will affect every aspect of your life and will steal your happiness. He didn't disclose this to you and now it sounds like he is backing you into a corner. Take a step back and postpone this- you don't deserve it.

2261

So quick update. Our wedding day passed and we didn't get married. He is not ready in any capacity and I don't think he will be for a while. The question now is what does this mean for our relationship. Do I wait it out or move on? Easier said then done.

ScottFromWI

Sounds like you made the right choice 2261, even though I'm sure it was very difficult. You'll have a lot of talking and thinking to do moving forward as well and you are right it won't be easy. But then again either is being married to an alcoholic, right?

SparkleKitty

2261, I am really proud of you for making such a difficult decision. Is he still drinking?

CaliButterfly

I am also very proud of you, 2261. Besides his alcoholism, there are other huge red flags that you should consider. He was hiding his addiction for 1 1/2 years, was trying to force you to get married anyway after asking to postpone the wedding, and seemingly blaming you in some way for his lapse. If you're afraid to talk to your fiance, you might want to reconsider getting married at all. I know very little, but from what you have said, he sounds kind of manipulative. Good luck!

2261

Still drinking. I'm trying to break up with him and he won't let me go. I end up giving in just to keep the peace because it's exhausting, any advice on letting go?

ScottFromWI

Just be be honest and leave, or tell him to leave.. It's certainly a difficult thing to do but he's using you and you are enabing him by "giving in". You've given him months to change and even broke off your engagement/marriage because of his unwillingness to quit drinking. And remember...it his choice to seek help and quit. So quite literally he has chosen that alcohol is more important to him than you are. It's a horrible disease, but you need to take care of yourself now as you cannot change him.

doggonecarl

Is he physically holding you captive? Or just emotionally? Either way, there are ways to leave or ways to get him out of your house if you are living together.

You just have to be ready. Kind of like being "ready" for recovery from alcoholism. Your bf will recovery when he's ready. You'll recover from your addiction (to him) when you are ready. Not before.

Good topic for you to carry over to the Friends and Family forum. They have a lot more experience in extricating oneself out of a relationship with an alcoholic.

SparkleKitty

The first step in letting go is accepting someone for who they are right now, instead of who you think they used to be, who you think they could be, or who you wish they were. Like, in your bones accept it. Only then can you resist the emotional manipulation of someone who is desperately trying to maintain the status quo.

Do you live together?

Soberwolf

I'm really sorry but Scott's right

CurlyGirl1978

Couldn't agree more with this. We're also damn good at carrying booze dressed in a Hi-C, Minute Maid, hell even an Ensure bottle if we had to. Postponing the wedding would mean giving your life a chance. Whatever your first thought was when you found out about it, go with that, because I'm sure it wasn't a thought to keep the wedding date. I wish you the best!

LexieCat

Yeah, I want to know, too, about what you mean about his "not letting you go." If you mean he just begs and pleads and promises, and it wears you down, that's one thing. If you mean he threatens you (physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially), threatens suicide, or does other things to obstruct you from leaving, that's abuse and you need to talk to a professional (an advocate at your local shelter or at the DV National Hotline) about how to leave safely.