About to get married to a recovering alcoholic...and scared
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Welcome to SR where youl find so much support
I 10,000% support your decision to postpone the wedding if he has a problem with that thats on him no means no where im from and if you want to postpone you should postpone
I 10,000% support your decision to postpone the wedding if he has a problem with that thats on him no means no where im from and if you want to postpone you should postpone
AA member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 872
Please do not accept the blame for him drinking.He chose to drink,his choice,nothing to do with you.
He is not in Recovery,he is an active Alcoholic.I would postpone the wedding,until he is at least 2years sober.it doesn't sound to me as if he is ready for sobriety at all.If he has lied to you about his drinking,he is probably lying about other things as well.
He is not in Recovery,he is an active Alcoholic.I would postpone the wedding,until he is at least 2years sober.it doesn't sound to me as if he is ready for sobriety at all.If he has lied to you about his drinking,he is probably lying about other things as well.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,198
Agree with the others here 2261
It doesn't make your guy a bad person, it just means that unfortunately his addiction has overridden his judgement to the point where he conceals his alcoholism from you and then wrongly blames you for his relapse
Only he can choose to realise this or not
It doesn't make your guy a bad person, it just means that unfortunately his addiction has overridden his judgement to the point where he conceals his alcoholism from you and then wrongly blames you for his relapse
Only he can choose to realise this or not
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
consider for a moment that he LIED to you the ENTIRE time you were together - from the day you met. he did not present the real HIM, he put up a facade. you basically agreed to marry someone WHO DOES NOT EXIST.
now the cat is out of the bag. he had a drinking problem. and he's not done with the drinking yet. consider how messed up the thinking is that when one party says "i am concerned about our future together and your drinking, so i'd like to postpone til things are better sorted out" the other party REACTS by doing what? DRINKING. the very thing you fear.
i believe that more than anything tells you were HIS head is at.
please put off the nuptials. now is not the time. he can't even stay sober and in fact USED your concerns as an excuse to drink.
now the cat is out of the bag. he had a drinking problem. and he's not done with the drinking yet. consider how messed up the thinking is that when one party says "i am concerned about our future together and your drinking, so i'd like to postpone til things are better sorted out" the other party REACTS by doing what? DRINKING. the very thing you fear.
i believe that more than anything tells you were HIS head is at.
please put off the nuptials. now is not the time. he can't even stay sober and in fact USED your concerns as an excuse to drink.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: US
Posts: 544
I just want to add this - if your guy is really serious about his recovery, and he does it for himself, he will be an awesome person to marry. Recovering alcoholics are some of the best people you'll ever know. But he will need time for the process to work. It's not like you go to rehab and in 30 days you're magically better. It's a lifelong commitment - like marriage.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 772
Omg sounds like a nightmare! If you don't think you should do it please don't! You do not have to marry this man. I sure wouldn't want to marry someone in active addiction. It would be terrrrrrible. Don't do this to yourself. He needs to get his own stuff straight before he gets involved with someone else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 29
Thank you all for the responses! It's been a living nightmare. He was doing so well, at least I thought in "recovery" and I was the one suffering with this looming wedding date. I'm in intensive therapy to cope with the trauma right now. I never expected my life to feel so foreign to me. I called a couple of places to find my own place today. I gave up my apt because he owns his place so we could save for the wedding, which we have invested $30k of our own money. I really have to not think about the money or else I will go insane. It's money or life... I want life. I'm hoping with him but I need time. I need to know he is committed to his recovery and the only way I think I can help to his recovery is to postpone. Thank you all for your support, it's giving me the confidence to stick to my values no matter how much I love "him", and how much it's going to hurt emotionally, spiritually and financially
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 831
I am very proud of you for starting to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and I don't even know you.
Getting your own place right now is an excellent idea. I hope you follow through with it and move out of his house until you are feeling better and until you feel you can trust him.
$30 K is nothing compared to potential DUI's, fines, legal fees, busted up cars, lost jobs, and your man might end up never changing and he might go to prison. Just because it hasn't happened YET is no guarantee when it comes to an alcoholic. Do you really want to be a prison wife?
Maybe he gets lucky and avoids trouble with the law. But the human body can only endure so much poison before health problems come up. Alcohol abuse contributes to so many diseases I can't even begin to list them here and eventually causes death. And if it doesn't his medical bills will cost a fortune even with good insurance.
If you knew for a fact that he will never change would you still marry him? If not, then postponing the wedding is the least you can do to protect yourself.
I don't know if anyone else has suggested AlAnon or Codependents Anonymous to you yet, but I use both of them in addition to AA as I am both a recovering alcoholic who is also affected by someone else's drinking who has difficulty setting boundaries.
I would not marry someone who did that to me even if I spent $100K on wedding plans. I wouldn't do it over any amount of money. A marriage is built on trust and acceptance. You must consider that he might not ever change.
Let us know how you are doing! I hope you are ok.
Getting your own place right now is an excellent idea. I hope you follow through with it and move out of his house until you are feeling better and until you feel you can trust him.
$30 K is nothing compared to potential DUI's, fines, legal fees, busted up cars, lost jobs, and your man might end up never changing and he might go to prison. Just because it hasn't happened YET is no guarantee when it comes to an alcoholic. Do you really want to be a prison wife?
Maybe he gets lucky and avoids trouble with the law. But the human body can only endure so much poison before health problems come up. Alcohol abuse contributes to so many diseases I can't even begin to list them here and eventually causes death. And if it doesn't his medical bills will cost a fortune even with good insurance.
If you knew for a fact that he will never change would you still marry him? If not, then postponing the wedding is the least you can do to protect yourself.
I don't know if anyone else has suggested AlAnon or Codependents Anonymous to you yet, but I use both of them in addition to AA as I am both a recovering alcoholic who is also affected by someone else's drinking who has difficulty setting boundaries.
I would not marry someone who did that to me even if I spent $100K on wedding plans. I wouldn't do it over any amount of money. A marriage is built on trust and acceptance. You must consider that he might not ever change.
Let us know how you are doing! I hope you are ok.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
2261,
i'm so glad to hear you get clarity on the picture and to see your willingness and courage to face this with eyes open.
you want your life to be sane and healthy and are taking the steps to make it happen.
sorry to know there is such pain, but much better now than later into it after ignoring the big waving flags.
you will be okay, living with your values and valuing yourself.
i'm so glad to hear you get clarity on the picture and to see your willingness and courage to face this with eyes open.
you want your life to be sane and healthy and are taking the steps to make it happen.
sorry to know there is such pain, but much better now than later into it after ignoring the big waving flags.
you will be okay, living with your values and valuing yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
What an awful time for you..I also agree with everyone...
This is not the time to be getting married..
How you feel now (huge red flags) is your future, only magnified till you no longer recognise yourself, not to mention the possible massive resentment you are going to feel for your fiance.
I totally appreciate the financials...Talk with your fiance, call it off till you guys get on stable ground...
Then....I would be calling around all your suppliers and letting them know the wedding is cancelled before the final payments are due.
This is not the time to be getting married..
How you feel now (huge red flags) is your future, only magnified till you no longer recognise yourself, not to mention the possible massive resentment you are going to feel for your fiance.
I totally appreciate the financials...Talk with your fiance, call it off till you guys get on stable ground...
Then....I would be calling around all your suppliers and letting them know the wedding is cancelled before the final payments are due.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 29
Unfortunately he is in denial about the postponement. He is not letting go of the wedding date. He even said he is on his way to get his tux fitting today! I thought he would understand why it makes sense to postpone but he is in denial of everything.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 194
Some ridiculous comments in my opinion. Needlessly cynical, hyperbolic and full of projection. How can anyone so flat out judge the individual and predict their future behavior without knowing them or more of the context?
The guy is a recovering alcoholic, not an axe murderer. Even being a recovering alcoholic comes in many varieties. You can't blanket someone based on that label.
The guy is a recovering alcoholic, not an axe murderer. Even being a recovering alcoholic comes in many varieties. You can't blanket someone based on that label.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Notimetoloose 
I totally appreciate the financials...Talk with your fiance, call it off till you guys get on stable ground...
Then....I would be calling around all your suppliers and letting them know the wedding is cancelled before the final payments are due.
Then....I would be calling around all your suppliers and letting them know the wedding is cancelled before the final payments are due.
If you are firm in your discussions with him, he will realize you are serious. Give him one little inch and you're off to the races.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 174
Hi 2261. I'm so sorry you are in this situation, but I'm in agreement with everyone else here. This is no time to get married. His denial of the severity of the situation is even more proof. I hope you will stand firm about postponing your wedding as difficult as it may be.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by mcfearless
Some ridiculous comments in my opinion. Needlessly cynical, hyperbolic and full of projection. How can anyone so flat out judge the individual and predict their future behavior without knowing them or more of the context?
The guy is a recovering alcoholic, not an axe murderer. Even being a recovering alcoholic comes in many varieties. You can't blanket someone based on that label.
The guy is a recovering alcoholic, not an axe murderer. Even being a recovering alcoholic comes in many varieties. You can't blanket someone based on that label.
Plus there are others here who have been in the shoes of OP.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
The alcohol issue aside, marriage is a MAJOR life decision. I would absolutely not enter into a marriage on shaky ground. I'm sure you will make the right decision and I hope the very best for you...and him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 29
The wedding is officially postponed now. Family and friends all got emails saying its postponed. However by postponing the wedding my fiancé has failed to stay clean. At the most 4 days I think. He is back to binge drinking and making a complete fool of himself. I'm staying with my brother now cause I can't watch him self destruct. It's the hardest thing to watch. It's like he has given up trying because I postponed it. I don't know what else to do and how to support him. He is in such a horrible place right now.
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