Was urged, but not too urged to drink
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 403
Was urged, but not too urged to drink
I don't have a sponsor. I need to get one soon.
My husband, as you know if you've read, has been very unsupportive through this whole thing. He often cites the fact that he stayed with me through my drunken years and has lost his patience and is far beyond coddling and babying. He says I am responsible and from the day I was throwing up when I went to the hospital, he was being a jerk, telling me to stop throwing up, get out of the bathroom and grow up. In the hospital, he was equally rude, saying I'd made his life hell and he has no sympathy for these "antics".
After the hospital, when it appeared I was going to stay sober, he loosened up a bit, but has still been his curt, self absorbed, egotistical self. Today, we had a few small fights about nonsense stuff. He was rude and short for no reason. This is a huge trigger of mine. Huge. It makes me insane. He is super defensive whenever I reprimand him or gently remind him of something.
I have a hard time letting go of wounds. So, I was yelling and screaming at him and he was yelling back. He brought up my bender and rubbed it in my face multiple times, citing what an irresponsible idiot I was for doing that. Nice person to have beside you as you try to recover.
In any case, I did not drink. I thought about it, but I didn't have the urge to do it. As weird as it sounds, I almost wish I would have wanted to. But, I didn't. I was alone and could have gotten some quickly. I decided these 30 days aren't worth tossing out for anything, not even the rage I was in. Good thoughts please.
My husband, as you know if you've read, has been very unsupportive through this whole thing. He often cites the fact that he stayed with me through my drunken years and has lost his patience and is far beyond coddling and babying. He says I am responsible and from the day I was throwing up when I went to the hospital, he was being a jerk, telling me to stop throwing up, get out of the bathroom and grow up. In the hospital, he was equally rude, saying I'd made his life hell and he has no sympathy for these "antics".
After the hospital, when it appeared I was going to stay sober, he loosened up a bit, but has still been his curt, self absorbed, egotistical self. Today, we had a few small fights about nonsense stuff. He was rude and short for no reason. This is a huge trigger of mine. Huge. It makes me insane. He is super defensive whenever I reprimand him or gently remind him of something.
I have a hard time letting go of wounds. So, I was yelling and screaming at him and he was yelling back. He brought up my bender and rubbed it in my face multiple times, citing what an irresponsible idiot I was for doing that. Nice person to have beside you as you try to recover.
In any case, I did not drink. I thought about it, but I didn't have the urge to do it. As weird as it sounds, I almost wish I would have wanted to. But, I didn't. I was alone and could have gotten some quickly. I decided these 30 days aren't worth tossing out for anything, not even the rage I was in. Good thoughts please.
Re-Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,909
Glad you didn't take that first drink. Drinking would not have made any of this any better, and, as you very well know from recent personal experience, could have made it much much much worse.
Give your husband some time and keep putting work into your recovery. The longer you stay with this and the more you work at it, the more likely he is to finally start forgiving you.
Congrats on your sobriety today. 30 days is amazing, especially coming from where you were at during your last drinking. We're here for you--get that sponsor but also don't be shy about coming here anytime. That's one of the cool things about this place--it's open 24/7.
Give your husband some time and keep putting work into your recovery. The longer you stay with this and the more you work at it, the more likely he is to finally start forgiving you.
Congrats on your sobriety today. 30 days is amazing, especially coming from where you were at during your last drinking. We're here for you--get that sponsor but also don't be shy about coming here anytime. That's one of the cool things about this place--it's open 24/7.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi there, first, I love your user name. I feel the same way, I am not going to stop trying no matter what.
Congratulations on 30 days and for making through such a big test.
Do you have a happy relationship outside of the drinking issue? Forgive me for being very blunt here, but your husband sounds emotionally abusive. I have little patience for that kind of thing having lived through a similar relationship. I know how complicated it is though. I just want you to hear clearly that you do not have to be treated like that if you don't want to be. You are worthy of respect and kindness even if you have made and continue to make mistakes. "Tough love" is one thing, being downright mean is entirely another.
He has a right to be angry and hurt and to express that, but his behavior right now is very unhelpful and unkind. Do you have the possibility of seeing a couples therapist who can help guide both of you to express these emotions in healthier ways?
I'm glad I read your post, I'll be keeping up with your journey and thinking of you. Take care of yourself, physically and protect yourself emotionally during this time. Whatever you do, remember to stay strong like you did today and do not turn to alcohol to hide.
Congratulations on 30 days and for making through such a big test.
Do you have a happy relationship outside of the drinking issue? Forgive me for being very blunt here, but your husband sounds emotionally abusive. I have little patience for that kind of thing having lived through a similar relationship. I know how complicated it is though. I just want you to hear clearly that you do not have to be treated like that if you don't want to be. You are worthy of respect and kindness even if you have made and continue to make mistakes. "Tough love" is one thing, being downright mean is entirely another.
He has a right to be angry and hurt and to express that, but his behavior right now is very unhelpful and unkind. Do you have the possibility of seeing a couples therapist who can help guide both of you to express these emotions in healthier ways?
I'm glad I read your post, I'll be keeping up with your journey and thinking of you. Take care of yourself, physically and protect yourself emotionally during this time. Whatever you do, remember to stay strong like you did today and do not turn to alcohol to hide.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I'm glad you didn't give in and drink, notgonnastoptry. There are two issues at play- alcohol and your marriage. Each person brings their own issues and baggage into a relationship, and we create more as we do along. I don't know what kind of man your husband is (if he's nice or not, controlling or not, etc). Probably he has some legitimate complaints since during your many years of drinking you probably wore out a lot of goodwill. Again, not saying it's your fault but spouses of alcoholics put up with a lot. Maybe he's codependent or whatever.
You need to first let recovery be about you. Not him, you. This is maybe selfish but you have to be selfish here. You need to be sober because you want to not for any other reason.
Next, he's probably heard it all before. He may not believe you until he sees the evidence of a real change. Maybe he's believed before and been disappointed.
In any event, maybe couples therapy of some kind would be helpful at some point.
You need to first let recovery be about you. Not him, you. This is maybe selfish but you have to be selfish here. You need to be sober because you want to not for any other reason.
Next, he's probably heard it all before. He may not believe you until he sees the evidence of a real change. Maybe he's believed before and been disappointed.
In any event, maybe couples therapy of some kind would be helpful at some point.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,042
[QUOTE=notgonnastoptry;5500333]"
"......., but has still been his curt, self absorbed, egotistical self. Today, we had a few small fights about nonsense stuff. He was rude and short for no reason. This is a huge trigger of mine. Huge. It makes me insane. He is super defensive whenever I reprimand him or gently remind him of something."
I'm not sure this counts as "Good thoughts", but you could be describing the relationship I am in and have been for the last eight years. I can't blame this for my drinking as I've been drinking for many years and in a variety of relationships, but this one is particularly toxic and I feel trapped as I have nowhere to go.
Good thoughts............ you're not alone, there's others out there struggling with this daily atmosphere at home. Not sure that cuts it.
Good luck to you, good luck to me, I'm sure when the answer comes we will be better able to take action when sober.
xxx
"......., but has still been his curt, self absorbed, egotistical self. Today, we had a few small fights about nonsense stuff. He was rude and short for no reason. This is a huge trigger of mine. Huge. It makes me insane. He is super defensive whenever I reprimand him or gently remind him of something."
I'm not sure this counts as "Good thoughts", but you could be describing the relationship I am in and have been for the last eight years. I can't blame this for my drinking as I've been drinking for many years and in a variety of relationships, but this one is particularly toxic and I feel trapped as I have nowhere to go.
Good thoughts............ you're not alone, there's others out there struggling with this daily atmosphere at home. Not sure that cuts it.
Good luck to you, good luck to me, I'm sure when the answer comes we will be better able to take action when sober.
xxx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: usa
Posts: 274
hang in there. I am sorry you have to deal with an angry spouse while recovering I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years and know how stressful it can be. My advice , don't put up with it you have enough to overcome.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sorry your spouse is getting you down - however, like someone else has said, if you're anything like me, most emotions and situations have a trigger somewhere, so try not to become blindsided by a resentment about one unsupportive person when there are so many pitfalls to save your energy for.
(Even a justified resentment is dangerous to your recovery, and in the end the resentment ends up hurting you more than the persons original action or words - I find that meditating on a 'Resentment prayer' really can help me - happy to pass it on if you think it's worth a go). xx
(Even a justified resentment is dangerous to your recovery, and in the end the resentment ends up hurting you more than the persons original action or words - I find that meditating on a 'Resentment prayer' really can help me - happy to pass it on if you think it's worth a go). xx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
It's been said that anyone who stays with an alkie is sicker than the alkie. My advice would be not to look to him for support. This is something you have to do on your own with or without him. Focus on sobriety AND recovery now and work on the relationship later.
I spent a lot of years drinking and putting my wife through hell. It takes awhile to work through that.
I spent a lot of years drinking and putting my wife through hell. It takes awhile to work through that.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
