VexedEnuff

I am drunk after a monumental 31 days of sobriety. I'm listening to some Skynard on uTube . "Lord I can't change" seems to be the recurring theme. WTF, so sick of this ********. Do I really want to be sober. My dog is looking at me funny. He knows's I'm f**d up. Sick of it all and alone.

Coldfusion

Maybe you should consider going to detox or rehab if you are having trouble quitting?

Rio97

Hard to change, Vexed. Come back tomorrow and start again, that's all you can do.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear that you are drinking again vexed, but you are here now...that indicates to me that at least part if you wants to change. What happened with thre CBT and things that were working so well?

VexedEnuff

Dude, I'm in an outpatient program. I love how people give advice. You ever f**d up? Thanks for the standard response, it's safe... SoberWolf, where are you?

VexedEnuff

Sorry all. I hate drama, not what I'm after. I feel so hopeless, two steps forward, ten back..

Dee74

We're all trying to help Vexed.

Sounds like you need something more than what you're doing, and our suggestions are coming from a place of love and concern - we've all screwed up a time or two as well..

For now, I think you need a day one, man. If you've got any booze dump it, have a couple of glasses of water and hit the sack.

you know it makes sense.

D

Ruby2

Most of us effed up in one way or another. Just keep trying. Why did you pick up after 31 days? I can't tell you much more than stick closer to what was working best for you during those days and start over in the morning.

VexedEnuff

Thanks D, I"m going to bed... I don't know what to say... Try again tomorrow, I guess..

VexedEnuff

My wife and kids went on vacation, but I had work obligations. I am fine when my house if full. I've been alone now since Monday. Why can't I do the right thing when I'm alone? Last thought before bed.

davaidavai

I sort of like the first four days. I think of them as shadow days. Days of introspection, of just being sort of lost and confused in a muddied reality. It's interesting. I'd prefer to get past them, but I feel lucky the day after that nothing really bad happened. Before, I hated them, but after a while, I began to pay closer attention to the experience.

You don't lose insight by passing into the shadow for a little while.

VexedEnuff

Not quite sure what you're talking about, but thanks for writing...

LadyinBC

I think this is very honest.

This is the question I had to ask myself when I kept screwing up over and over again. And the truth was, that I didn't want to be at the time.

But I eventually got to the point that I wanted to be sober. Everyone has to find their point when they have had enough. I certainly had to.

Please post tomorrow to let us know how you are doing.

CaseyW

Sorry you took that first drink. If you've got any booze left, I hope you'll pour it out and drink some water and then get some sleep and start again tomorrow. Don't quit trying before the miracle happens. I had no idea my last "day one" was going to be the last, but it's been three months now and gets better each and every day.

If I remember right, your outpatient therapy was through the VA or another vet's group of some kind--what's going to happen when they find out you drank?

We're here for you, Vexed. Hope you'll give sobriety another chance starting right now and maybe make active participation on this forum a part of your recovery plan.

VexedEnuff

I was honest with my group. I felt bad... like somehow I was accountable to them.. It's almost 1:15 am here in Minnesota. Good night....

MythOfSisyphus

Back at you from right across the border. Summer is tough in this part of the country. We always say we have four seasons here: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction. People in the midwest cram a whole year of partying and living into one raw blast of summer. House parties, street parties, drinking at the beach, drinking in the woods, etc etc.

Years ago I read about a commander that lead his men to a foreign shore. Once there he burnt the ships so there would be no going back, only forward. I think that's the attitude I adopted when I decided to stop drinking. In a moment of crystal clarity I realized it was going to kill, if it hadn't already. So I determined to burn that old life and walk away.

Do you really want to stop? Only you know that for certain. Something lead you to outpatient, something happened in your life or in your head that signaled that it was time to change.

I hope you'll stop back in the morning with fresh eyes and a different perspective. You don't fail when you fall, only when you refuse to get back up again.

Soberwolf

Were here for you vexxed

PurpleKnight

Never give up trying VexedEnuff!!