Tooshabby

Well, I can't help but think I may just be beyond hope. Epic fail of great magnitude. I nearly went three weeks (big deal), just healed from my stitches, grazes, bruises and smashed front tooth, and I'm at it again - yesterday. Not only did I drive down the road after one bottle of wine to get another, lost my cash flow card, handed out quiche to the homeless, got home and told the plumber I didn't trust his quote (apparently I thought it wasn't high enough and I insisted I pay him more), but this morning I went out on the back deck, my head full of "don't beat yourself up" thoughts, only to look out and think "Good God! Who chopped one of our big trees down?!" Gee, I wonder. I'm going to kill myself one day (unintentionally), but if things continue like this maybe that won't be such a bad thing.

If anyone can help me with this problem I will be eternally grateful. The thing is, most of the time I can defeat the 'AV', but things go awry when my evil twin takes over and she is going to drink come hell or high water. There's just no question about it, and 'I' am somewhere in the background just witnessing this process. It's some kind of bizarre phenomenon. I try and tell myself between times "Oh that's just BS...of course you have the ability to behave differently", but at what point am I going to just accept aallllllll the evidence that stares me in the face and screams the contrary?!!

Anyway, an SR friend advised me I should 'fess up', and he's quite right. I may not have done otherwise. At least, I suppose, I'm making myself honest and am asking for help. I also didn't drink on the plane tonight which is an enormous victory for me. I usually need enormous amounts of 'Dutch courage' to fly, and break out in a sweat (really useful defense mechanism for slipping between things as you try to escape the blazing wreckage). It's not flying I'm afraid of, it's crashing. Anyway, I didn't drink, and I have no intention of drinking while I'm here in Melbourne.

I'm still really glad I've found this community. I'm not sure I'm feeling so hopeful about my future sobriety though.....I dunno :-(

Soberwolf

Have you got a plan

Anna

Do not for a minute believe that your AV has control over you. You are not in the background somewhere, you are the person who is making the decisions and you can make the decision to ignore your AV and move on. You have the power to do that. I'm glad you are sober now and that you plan to stay that way. You can do this and you must not give up.

Tooshabby

For these instances I don't. I honestly don't know what the heck I can do about it. It's like 'Tooshabby' isn't there anymore to follow any plan. It's really hard to explain, and I'm sure it sounds quite mental, although I'm in no doubt the problem isn't unique to me. Just don't know what to do. It's a really good question though, SW, and I do appreciate you asking :-)

Tooshabby

Thanks Anna. I think I really needed to hear that. I just have to believe it!

PurpleKnight

Go at things again, though tweak your plan, nothing changes if nothing changes!!

You can do this!!

FrankLapidas

Shabby,

Based on all your posts on SR (yes, I read them all) and what I have learned about you as a person I have no doubt that you have the commitment necessary to achieve sobriety. There are bumps in the road (I've certainly had my share) but they are just bumps, not roadblocks.

Don't know what to say about helping you with the problem. My only change in plan this time around (I'm on Week Three) is that I made a promise to myself that if temptation strikes I'd log onto SR chat for some support. (of course the one time I actually tried that I couldn't get into chat, but I made it anyway.)

I have all the confidence in the world that you'll do fine, Shabby. Just keep talkin' to us.