leapofFaith74

So I've Been Attending An Out Patient Rehab Program And Am Going To Graduate Tomorrow. 32 sessions. I had 79 days sobriety, my longest ever, had a fun, meaningful experience in my rehab group tonight, a great day at work, and during it all I knew as soon as my days responsibilities ended that I was going to buy a fifth of whiskey and a beer. And I did and I drank it all and know I won't be sober by the time I have to go to work tomorrow. I will be calling in sick. What is my deal? I feel like I don't even know how this happened.

Wil

That's your Devil inside and he is good at what he does to get u to breakdown on such a special day. I'm truly sorry for you, but it's1 day out of many, you screwed up.

Don't beat yourself up. We're dealing with a powerful demon here and life goes on...

Why don't u make up for it by punishing yourself by going to work? You'll feel better by lunch.

Upwardspiral

I'm sorry, leapoffaith, I've been there. I would know well in advance when I was going to go against myself and had plenty of time to dread it. I might wait all day fighting the urge to fall off the wagon, but really once I had the idea I had blinders on to any alternative.
I don't know why, except it seems like I stopped believing in why I was staying sober, and my AV was all I could hear. I wish I had advice, but I can only say I feel your pain and confusion.
Don't give up.

Nonsensical

I did similar things. I did them because I was addicted to alcohol. Part of my brain was actively betraying me to get what it wanted - alcohol. Coming to the realization that I could not trust all of my thoughts was difficult, but essential.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

D122y

Leap...I am almost 90 days. Haven't been here in over 10 years.

I had a health scare that came on after my last drink.

If not for that, I was doing exactly what you did, but every 7 to 30 days.

That scare, without a doubt.....not hopefully.....with out a doubt....

Changed me.

I say now...I am in a fight for my life.

doggonecarl

Sounds as if you haven't accepted that you can never drink again.

Was the IOP your choice, or mandated?

Soberwolf

Welcome to SR Leapoffaith

ScottFromWI

I would wager that it's because you are an alcoholic but you either haven't accepted it or refuse to acknowledge it. It's not a secret that all this happened because you willingly chose to drink alcohol. The "deal" is most likely that you still think you can somehow control your drinking. Alcoholics cannot by definition, so total abstinence is the only possible solution.

Have you shared any of this with your IOP counselor? The would most likely have some closer insight knowing you personally, and they might be able to recommend the next step. If IOP is not successful, you might want to consider Inpaitent rehab.

CaseyW

Sounds to me like your fatal mistake was not admitting that you had this plan of drinking in your head before you went out and bought that booze. Sometimes just putting those thoughts out there into the world takes away their power.

Good news is you can jump off this crazy train right now. You do not have to continue drinking. You do not have to take that next first drink no matter what. You already know it's not going to end well--hope you'll choose a better, easier, softer way of life in recovery.

You're in my thoughts and prayers today...

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Leapoffaith!!

Addiction is a real thing, and if we don't take measures to change the path we're on then things will only continue, I went round in circles for a long time, but when I accepted that alcohol was now permanently off the table, and built plenty of support into my routines, Sobriety finally began to happen!!

You can do this!!

thomas11

Carl raises a good question, could have influenced your decision. I hope I'm wrong but my perception is that this was planned, intentional or unintentional.

leapofFaith74

I checked myself into out patient treatment because I have known for a long time that I can't drink normally. I had no plan to try to control my drinking last night because I know that I cannot. I just wanted relief from the day to day thoughts that plaque my mind. I wanted a break from real life. I wanted to numb out for one night.

Ruby2

Well, that thought you wanted to check out from reality for a bit is going to keep you drinking if you don't have a solid plan to deal with daily life without drinking and saying "not today, not ever" when the thought pops into your head. I had to accept that it would sometimes be painful to get through hard times without alcohol and that it would be painful to struggle with do I drink or not drink?

I had to get to the point of saying I won't drink no matter what. Until then, I kept drinking. With bad results. Talk to iop. Come on here. Voice the idea before you pick up.

Soberwolf

Heres some links Leapoffaith http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

FreeOwl

Yep.

There's the critical part.

Try again, starting now, with a plan.

Sober life is far better. I know it is hard to imagine or see it. Blotting life out to get "relief" is a lie that alcohol tells. Get far enough away from it and you'll realize how much of the suffering was caused by the alcohol.

I wish you strength, wisdom and faith to get on the sober path firmly.