Im back
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: uk
Posts: 82
Im back
Hi all
Well im back, thought i could control it but these past 7 months have been my worst yet, still a social drinker, never on my own, but i dont seem to remember anything, or want to remember, i have slept with more people this past few months than in my whole life, i have the most caring boyfriend and great kids but put a drink in me and im a totally different person, i hate myself so much right now i feel like bursting out crying but cant because im at work, am i normal? This is controlling my life, the guilt, everything, the not knowing what i have done.
Well im back, thought i could control it but these past 7 months have been my worst yet, still a social drinker, never on my own, but i dont seem to remember anything, or want to remember, i have slept with more people this past few months than in my whole life, i have the most caring boyfriend and great kids but put a drink in me and im a totally different person, i hate myself so much right now i feel like bursting out crying but cant because im at work, am i normal? This is controlling my life, the guilt, everything, the not knowing what i have done.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: uk
Posts: 82
Thank you
I suppose all i can do is take it 1 step at a time, i would really like to see a counsellor or something, but private are mega expensive and my doctor takes weeks to get an app then another how many weeks for an app with the councillor once the doc refers you. I felt like this last year and by the time my app came along i had given up and decided i didnt want help anymore, i wish i had gone now though. I feel like such a failure, bad partner, bad parent, bad friend, all because of drink, im scared about the stupid things i do and who will find out.
I keep trying to tell myself to draw a line in the sand and today is the 1st of my new life, but then the feelings come back again and i feel like crap
I suppose all i can do is take it 1 step at a time, i would really like to see a counsellor or something, but private are mega expensive and my doctor takes weeks to get an app then another how many weeks for an app with the councillor once the doc refers you. I felt like this last year and by the time my app came along i had given up and decided i didnt want help anymore, i wish i had gone now though. I feel like such a failure, bad partner, bad parent, bad friend, all because of drink, im scared about the stupid things i do and who will find out.
I keep trying to tell myself to draw a line in the sand and today is the 1st of my new life, but then the feelings come back again and i feel like crap
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
I am glad that you have found us. We are a supportive community and we want to help you. In fact, doing so helps us with our own recovery.
When you posted you had a hangover and a strong sense of remorse. The question is, when that passes are you still prepared to take action to recover?
Things won't change just on the basis of you feeling guilty about your actions when drunk. You need to find some new approach will create a new way of thinking, initially about alcohol and then about other aspects of your life.
You say you want to see a counsellor but it is mega expensive. Seeing a private addiction counsellor in this country is not particularly expensive. I see a specialist for £50 each week. This is nothing in comparison with the amount of money I spent on alcohol, cigarettes and marijuana - sometimes £500 a week.
But as I expect you realise, there is another very low cost option and that's AA. In fact, it's free but you might want to make a donation of £1.
Going from where you are now to a new life free of remorse and shame is not going to happen overnight. It will take time and there will be times it's really painful. That's why it's great we can use each other for support.
But it's not going to happen at all unless you take some action. We can't do that for you but we'll back you all the way if you do.
When you posted you had a hangover and a strong sense of remorse. The question is, when that passes are you still prepared to take action to recover?
Things won't change just on the basis of you feeling guilty about your actions when drunk. You need to find some new approach will create a new way of thinking, initially about alcohol and then about other aspects of your life.
You say you want to see a counsellor but it is mega expensive. Seeing a private addiction counsellor in this country is not particularly expensive. I see a specialist for £50 each week. This is nothing in comparison with the amount of money I spent on alcohol, cigarettes and marijuana - sometimes £500 a week.
But as I expect you realise, there is another very low cost option and that's AA. In fact, it's free but you might want to make a donation of £1.
Going from where you are now to a new life free of remorse and shame is not going to happen overnight. It will take time and there will be times it's really painful. That's why it's great we can use each other for support.
But it's not going to happen at all unless you take some action. We can't do that for you but we'll back you all the way if you do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: uk
Posts: 82
I do want to do something about it as this feeling is a few times a week now, day 1 hangover, feel terrible, day 2 start to feel a little better, day 3, even more better, ill have a drink, back to day 1 again, i cant keep doing this to myself or my family as day 1 is usually me in bed all day or struggle through work, straight to bed when i get home.
I have just emailed a counsillor to ask about charges, u are right, i must spend 60-70 a week on beer and fags
Thank you for taking you time to post
I have just emailed a counsillor to ask about charges, u are right, i must spend 60-70 a week on beer and fags
Thank you for taking you time to post
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 50
Thank u for the wishes for me to sleep but I think I've decided there's no way tonight.
I totally understand your feelings of guilt and blacking out and not remembering. This summer I woke up one morning after working at a wedding djing and I walk outside to find that I wrecked my car on the way home. Flashbacks started happening and boy did they hurt. Taking xanax and drinking vodka will mess u up! Those xanax's just intensify the effects of the alcohol, big time. I did over $4000 in damages. I still kept drinking to kill that pain. I got a dwi in 2006 and after my wife picked me up from jail the next morning I said I've got to have a drink, and that's what I did. After wrecking my car my wife was threatening to leave and take the kids. I modestly still got drunk and took pills, but I had to be careful now. I'm about 48 hours into being alcohol free and I have to nibble on my xanax to make them last another 9 days until I can get a refill.
I'm making appointments with doctors to cut this crap out, and counseling too. My life is so out of control. But if I was on the outside looking in it would appear my life is damn near perfect. I need to appreciate it, how good I have it. At least you still have your family. That's one of the things I keep telling myself.
The first step is recognizing you've got a problem. I've known I've had a problem for almost 20 years now. I've got almost 4 years of no alcohol mixed in, but I just replaced it with weed and xanax.
It sucks to be an addict I tell ya! Got it from my daddy probably, but I don't want to blame my dead father because I did everything myself and I'm smart enough to know there are consequences to my drug intake.
Even though I haven't slept a wink in 24 hours now it feels good to not have that freaking hangover, and they were getting worse and worse. No way to live life!
I totally understand your feelings of guilt and blacking out and not remembering. This summer I woke up one morning after working at a wedding djing and I walk outside to find that I wrecked my car on the way home. Flashbacks started happening and boy did they hurt. Taking xanax and drinking vodka will mess u up! Those xanax's just intensify the effects of the alcohol, big time. I did over $4000 in damages. I still kept drinking to kill that pain. I got a dwi in 2006 and after my wife picked me up from jail the next morning I said I've got to have a drink, and that's what I did. After wrecking my car my wife was threatening to leave and take the kids. I modestly still got drunk and took pills, but I had to be careful now. I'm about 48 hours into being alcohol free and I have to nibble on my xanax to make them last another 9 days until I can get a refill.
I'm making appointments with doctors to cut this crap out, and counseling too. My life is so out of control. But if I was on the outside looking in it would appear my life is damn near perfect. I need to appreciate it, how good I have it. At least you still have your family. That's one of the things I keep telling myself.
The first step is recognizing you've got a problem. I've known I've had a problem for almost 20 years now. I've got almost 4 years of no alcohol mixed in, but I just replaced it with weed and xanax.
It sucks to be an addict I tell ya! Got it from my daddy probably, but I don't want to blame my dead father because I did everything myself and I'm smart enough to know there are consequences to my drug intake.
Even though I haven't slept a wink in 24 hours now it feels good to not have that freaking hangover, and they were getting worse and worse. No way to live life!
Re-Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,909
Good news is you never have to feel this way again. Congratulations on making the decision to live a better life in recovery. Hope you'll make regular participation here a part of your recovery plan.
Remember you don't have to take that first drink today no matter what.
Remember you don't have to take that first drink today no matter what.
Hang on!
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 181
Keep coming back. Keep posting. Keep talking about it. Keep at it.
Order take away. Go shopping. Watch a film. Take a walk.
Do whatever you need to do to avoid picking up that first drink. One minute, hour, one day, one week at a time.
It gets easier.
Order take away. Go shopping. Watch a film. Take a walk.
Do whatever you need to do to avoid picking up that first drink. One minute, hour, one day, one week at a time.
It gets easier.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Sounds like it's time to draw a line under alcohol once and for all, it doesn't sound like it's doing you any favours, but instead creating misery.
But you gotta change something moving forward, continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results never worked for me, we need to tweak things and make Sobriety happen with new actions!!
You can do this!!
But you gotta change something moving forward, continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results never worked for me, we need to tweak things and make Sobriety happen with new actions!!
You can do this!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 3
It's an amazing feeling when you no longer have next-day regrets. I have been there and don't want to ever feel shame again. Stay strong! Last fall, when I got sober, I didn't post, but lurked here a ton, and it was such a huge help!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
In your OP you asked "am I normal", I guess I would say yes...a normal alcoholic. The things you described are things that alcoholics have done and do. I would venture to say most of us have done some of the very same things. I definitely have. That being said, it also sounds like its getting pretty serious and it would be wise to get serious about addressing it. Or to put it more bluntly, I believe you need to stop drinking. Its not "you" who does these things.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: uk
Posts: 82
Thank you for your kind words, i think i need to start with forgiving myself and treating myself with respect, my actions lately are punishing to my body, not just mentally but physically too.
I never really thought i had a problem because i only drink a couple of times a week and all my mates do to, when i would have a slight doubt that i was drinking too much, my mates would tell me "im being silly, everyone does it, facebook proves half my facebook frends are drunk every weekend, its normal"
No-one acts like me though, i can also be very argumentative and have almost fights with people, some who close friends and noone seems to get the hangovers like me, i spend all the next day in bed, then my boyfriend moans about that because im wasting every weekend
I never really thought i had a problem because i only drink a couple of times a week and all my mates do to, when i would have a slight doubt that i was drinking too much, my mates would tell me "im being silly, everyone does it, facebook proves half my facebook frends are drunk every weekend, its normal"
No-one acts like me though, i can also be very argumentative and have almost fights with people, some who close friends and noone seems to get the hangovers like me, i spend all the next day in bed, then my boyfriend moans about that because im wasting every weekend
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Others have offered good feedback for you. The only thing I'll add is that you need to get tested for STDs as soon as possible.
Sounds like this is a helluva wake-up call. The good news is that by choosing sobriety, you never have to experience this again.
Sounds like this is a helluva wake-up call. The good news is that by choosing sobriety, you never have to experience this again.
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