Wil

My word has it been a horrible last 3 months. I quit drinking almost 4 years ago this October and I took a job closer to home (I'm a teacher) and went to another school and I hated the place and the people. I came in the job pretty depressed because I had a student from my former school kill his brother and his step father. I can't say I was totally clean for those years because I got my Dr. to give me a prescription to Xanax and I kept smoking weed. I had ways of getting to another state of mind. Well, I can't say weed is the problem, but I've put it down pretty much. I bet I would test clean of it today actually. But the Xanax, dosage just got bigger and bigger because I would ask and he would say OK. I mean, I've got some serious anxiety issues, always have. I tried a psychologist and didn't like him. I need someone to talk to for sure.

Anyway, It started with Nyquil, the sleeping kind, and it's got alcohol in it. Oh yeah, I've got a script for Ambien and I abuse the hell out of it. Even when I would run out of my xanax I would take ambien to stay calm. I could fight through the sleepiness easy. My wife, well she would drink every now and again, but one night she came in and had some alcohol and I was awake late and she went to bed. I drank said alcohol and it all started over again, my alcoholism. I can't control it at all. She felt really bad about it and she hasn't drank in a while, but I took over. I hated my job so much, my performance was not good, I know it wasn't and I feel guilty about it. The school knew I hated the place and wanted out. Well, in turn they wanted me out and I got wrote up for some BS and basically got threatened with if I didn't resign I was going to be fired most likely. I resigned. But I would have a beer or 2 at lunch at the end of the year just to make it through the afternoon. Xanax and coffee got me through the mornings. I figured just beer, that's all. Well I went back to vodka because I started putting on some pounds.

Well this summer has been bad. I wrecked my vehicle, bumped into a guard rail and did over $4000 in damage. That sent me lower big time. Now I had my wife threatening to leave me and we've got 2 boys, and that doesn't help my stress level at all. She's on my side now so that's good.

I'm trying to get an appointment to see my doctor or his nurse practitioner to maybe get some type of medicine to help me through this. I've got the shakes and want to stop thinking! I've got negativity running through my head and I need to relax! I've got 2 tall boy beers in the fridge and I do not want to drink them, but it's hurting.
I'm about to go on a small vacation and that is even stressing me out.

Anyway, I got an email from Sober Recovery this morning and I took that as a sign that I need to tell some of my story, but that's the major points. Thanks for listening and have a good day!

Fly N Buy

Have you considered a total detox in rehab? Sounds like you have a lot of issue and a big addictive cocktail stirring around in some form or fashion at all times.

Glad your wife is supportive, for now. That helps.

Gotta say I hear a lot of excuses in your story. I know for me I simply had enough and had to accept where I was in life and recognize it was choices I made that got me where I was. To change my circumstances I had to change my choices.

None of this change can happen without stacking some sober time. Throw out the tall boys and consider getting some outside help friend.

Glad you're with us
keep coming back

Soberwolf

Whays your plan Wil

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Wil. Glad you came to share, and know that you aren't alone. I think you are right on track by trying to see your doctor....detox from that combo of substances can be dangerous. Don't be afraid to seek urgent care/ER help if you can't get to see your doctor soon enough.

You did mention that you hope you can get some kind of medicine to "help you through this". Unfortunately there isn't a magic pill that is going to make withdrawals easier. You may be prescribed things short term to help with immediate withdrawals, but there will be a process you need to go through that is unpleasant. Most likely you'll need to add some kind of sobriety plan ( meetings, rehab, ect ) to your daily routine as well.

The good news is you can absolutely do this if you want to...and I hope we can help.

Wil

I have no plan really. Lost all hunger, I honestly haven't eaten in well over a day, no real want or hunger. My heart rate is around 84 bpm lying in bed and I'm just really uncomfortable. I do want help and I'm full of excuses, yes. I'm also on sertraline which is one of those anti-depressants, but I really think it's quit working, if it ever did. Made me not cry, that's for sure, but I've gotten my ability to cry back, not that I want to cry, but there was a time I couldn't produce a tear no matter what, and I use to cry at damn near every movie. It definitely feels good to cry sometimes. I think I have deep seeded self pity. I got another job by the way, so I'm not hurting for insurance for at least another year. That's great! That was a real big worry I had at the beginning of this summer. I was going to have to get government assistance and I just do not want that at all.

I keep telling myself I've got a great life and I should be thankful, but I've been abusing for around 18 years now. Drinking and smoking weed mainly. Since high school. I do not want to have to go stay in a facility and have to explain all this to my mom, but that would be better than self destructive behavior. I was brought up not wanting to disappoint my mom at all, and it's still like that.

Hevyn

Wil, I'm really glad you're back. Having a place to talk things over helps so much. You're never alone. I drank 30 yrs. & was terrified to let go of it, even though it was destroying me. There's nothing in it for us anymore - and never will be. You can do this!

Anna

Hi Wil,

I'm glad that you are planning to talk to your dr.

I think you should try to come up with a plan. As Scott said, there is no magic pill. Recovery is a lot of work and having a plan can help you to get started.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back Wil!!

Wil

Well, I WILL make it through today. I took your advice and dumped the two beers. My wife was surprised. I'm just wanting to fall asleep ASAP now. Thanks for all ya'lls support. I tried to call what was suppose to my local AA and the number was disconnected. I guess they weren't making enough money

I do love the analogy of "stacking sober days". I'm a streaky guy. If I ruin my streak in anything it bothers me. So looking at my 1 year sober coin my wife bought me kind of hurts, but let's start stacking.

Wil

I literally did not sleep at all last night and still haven't. I've still got no appetite and I almost stroked out this morning working in the yard. I'm dehydrated for sure. I've been sweating profusely and I am very uncomfortable feeling. Seems to be getting worse.

People, alcohol and xanax are nothing to abuse together, not that using either one is the way to live. I'm paying the piper! I go on a small vacation tomorrow with just a couple of xanax left and I'm being pretty successful about spacing them out. I made an appointment with my doctor today, or at least I made the call, but got the answering machine; just waiting for a call back.

I did throw my bong away this morning and I'm getting rid of all that stuff. I just want to feel normal, whatever that is.

Thanks for reading and have a good day!

ScottFromWI

I would seriously consider seeking medical attention if you are feeling this way, WD's are nothing to mess around with and it's better to be safe than sorry.

CaseyW

I'm with Scott. Alcohol withdrawals are serious business, go get yourself checked out. I know you said you've already made a call to a doctor, but I can't tell if that was just re: your Xanax prescription.

Glad you checked back in today, Will. Living sober is a better way of life. Wishing you the best today, and please keep us updated on how you're doing.

Soberwolf

Il third Scotts post

Wil

I called a few doctors in my local "city" and told 3 different docs my story and the only center that will see me is an in-patient facility. I do NOT want to spend the night away from home. I finally have the number I need to call that will actually respond to me and I'm scared to call because the sole fact I'm afraid they'll want me to stay. I go on vacation tomorrow. Just not a good time for this. It reminds of the movie "Airplane" where that air traffic controller kept saying throughout the movie that he picked the wrong day to stop nasal spray, then it was sniffing glue, and it just kept getting more and more outrageous. Makes me me laugh...

It did feel good to say to 3 different people what was going on with me. I told the truth and I think it might have set me a little free. I feel better for real. I still haven't eaten or slept in a while. Hopefully after being awake for so long I'll sleep well tonight. Now I'm looking at my son and that phone number and I just don't want to "go away". I have only nibbled about a 1/4 of a milligram of xanax. I'm not feeling the need right now. No want for alcohol at all, and screw weed. Having to hide weed for so long I think was putting stress on me much more than it was relieving anything.

Thanks for your replies, I'll keep checking in.

CaseyW

There will be plenty of vacations in your future if you put your sobriety first today.

You're in my thoughts and prayers, Wil.

amp123

Hey Wil. Glad your hanging on there. It's really important to stay hydrated and try to eat something. Maybe soup? I would hate to go into an impatient facility. AA, if you can reach them, should be able to suggest some alternatives.

Stay well

Wil

Uhhh, Scott, you are very right. Listen to what happened to me this morning unbeknownst to me. I was doing yard work like I said, just walking out there and watering trees, walking in and out of the house. I was not feeling well. I also have a 10 month old and I was about to take him to my mom's house because I wasn't feeling good. I was carrying him in his car seat and I remember walking along and then I started to see stars. The next thing I know I'm sitting by my house with my neighbor standing over me asking me if I'm OK and he was obviously worried. I said I just got hot. I didn't question what happen to the baby. I think I assumed I just left him in the house. I tell my neighbor I'm fine and I go inside and grab the carrier a put him in the car. I throw up on the way to my mom's. I remember that. I get to my mom's and my kid has dirt all over him. And I had no idea why. I made my mom really worried because something was and is the matter. My neighbor just came over and told me that he heard his dog barking at me and he came out to get her and I was laid out on the ground with the carrier on the ground, and I was wallering around coughing and foaming he said. I have no recollection of this! This is SCARY. I just told my wife and she's worried as hell as well she should be and so am I. I over exerted myself this morning, I have nothing in me and no sleep. I haven't eaten anything. My body gave out. The last thing I remember was seeing stars and saying to myself "oh, these are the hallucinations they were speaking of."

I took it easy the rest of the day and I feel OK right now. This is horrible. I am not staying overnight in a facility. I have no plan. It's the damn xanax's that haved screwed me up big time. Large doseage, maximum.

Autumnlover19

Wil,
That is very scary. Sounds like you had a seizure. That can happen with alcohol withdrawal OR Xanax and you've been dependent on both. Please get medical help. You can die from this sort of withdrawal. I speak from experience. Something similar happened to me 5 years ago and I went straight to the ER when my boyfriend told me what he witnessed. The hospital detoxed me over like 3 days or something. I had bitten my tongue badly. I understand what you are going through. I'm still struggling myself now with drinking. I had over 3 years of sobriety until last year.

2WheelsGood

Wil, please be careful not to overdo it. Even fully hydrated in abstinence many of us are not in the best of shape from years of abuse. One day when it was rather warm out and I was out working in the yard the day after a binge I almost had a heart attack or stroke - not sure which. Nausea, chills, dizziness, vision whiteout, fainted, etc. It got my attention fast. And I look to be in decent shape otherwise.

Google: "alcoholic cardiomyopathy" for info on what chronic alcohol abuse can do to your heart muscle.

Wil

I definitely think I'm in better shape than I am. I've put on weight from drinking the past 3 months and my lack of sleep, food, booze, and xanax have taken a toll for sure. I'm scared to Google what I've done to my body, I'm just interested in what I have to expect in the future in ways of withdrawals. I did not take any xanax over the last 2 days, until this evening I took a literal nibble off of one because I know cold turkey is bad. I know I should not be doing this alone, but I will be taking it easy for sure. I live in Texas and the forecast is no rain and heat almost 105 degrees over the next week. That's terrible. That's why I've been overdoing it watering my trees because they're dying because of the heat and lack of rain. What is sooooo ironic is that those trees were put in the ground when I quit drinking almost 4 years ago. As soon as I start back drinking I started neglecting things, such as those trees. I'm losing at the same rate as I'm losing control of my life. I feel like I've got a little control now, especially over weed and alcohol, but the xanax might be tough. Been on it since I quit drinking; I just replaced one with the other. I felt "healthy" because I was no longer drinking, but smoking weed and popping pills. Makes a lot of damn sense doesn't it?(sarcasm) I've got a new job starting in a couple of weeks and that's causing anxiety, especially since recent events. I do not want the xanax addiction anymore, but it sure was nice to have in my line of work. I'm going to find an AA meeting ASAP and make an appointment with a counselor for sure. I'm not afraid to talk about this at all, and level-headed insight is nice to have, even if it costs me. I'm really lucky to have insurance.

Thank you for your stories and concerns, they help.