Newly Sober (Again).
 

This is my first day. Again. I can't continue on like this because I don't feel good about where I am. I drink to escape and to numb myself and I have been doing this for years. I was able to stop immediately during each of my two pregnancies but I have not been able to sustain longer term sobriety outside of those.

I am bereft. I think I have a problem and therefore I do. I am surrounded by people who drink like I do and I am constantly told "it's this time in our lives." I don't want it to be for me. I want to raise my children differently. Both of my parents were alcoholics. I carry a lot of pain from my childhood that I have worked through in multiple therapies.

I get emotional and overreact to things when I drink. I act out and I feel loads of guilt afterwards. I see it happening more frequently and I HATE this about myself. I don't want to do this anymore. The crying, the arguing, the ********. The awkward mornings, the silences, irresponsibility.

I am here for the first time, despite that I have been looking into making changes for months. I need to stop drinking for myself. It isn't working and I am desperate.

I am a mental health practitioner, too, and feel like a fraud. I love my work and have exceptional training, but am a mess. I see these things and I KNOW the right choice, but I fail over and over again. One really hard day, and its OVER. I feel hopeless much of the time.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Happy to be here today.

Welcome to SR Needtobreathe! You will find a ton of support here. Read and post often... it has been a lifesaver for me. Good luck on your journey. :)

Welcome.

What would you advise someone who came to you with the exact problems you described to us?



Know follow your own advice.

Welcome needtobreathe youl find support here nice to meet you

Welcome to the family. :) It is possible to get sober for good but you've got to want to be sober more than you want to drink. :hug:

Thanks, all, for the support. The idea that I need to want to be sober more than I want to drink is a hard one for me. I desperately want to be sober right now. And I am. Come 5 o'clock that may change. The difference for me this morning is that I am utterly exhausted from the guilt and shame and mental space this is taking up and I very very very much want it to go away.

All of this was kicked into high gear following a miscarriage in February, when I felt so low I didn't feel it possible to be myself. My brother's wife is pregnant with their first child. When he called to tell me, I had to hang up the phone because it was so painful to talk about. This is NOT like me at all. It was just literally what I had to do (before apologizing profusely).

When I got out of that fog, I realized differently (and not necessarily for the first time) that drinking doesn't HELP me. EVER. One glass of wine in, I feel MUCH better. But I have 5. Almost always. And then I am a mess. I am alternately the life of the party, overly sensitive, neglectful, irresponsible, hilarious, and argumentative. I seriously don't want to be that anymore. I need peace.

I hope this works. I really do. I so hope this works.

"I hope this works."

Then make it so, Needtobreathe.

You are the one pouring it in your mouth. Your hand, your mouth.

I was an over-emo mess when I was drinking, too. It actually got a lot worse in early sobriety. Now there is very little that bothers me. It was just a matter of letting my brain and body heal, and learning some new coping tools.

Hope isn't the action word, here. It's down to you and the decision.

Hi Needtobreathe! So glad you are here. I'm so sorry to hear of your difficulties in February :hug:
Why don't you visit us here at 5:00 before you decide to do anything else? You'll find plenty of support here.
Hope to see you :)

Welcome to SR. I'm sorry for the pain that brings you here. You sound like me with the moods. Up, down, life of the party, the lowest of lows. Quitting was the only solution for me.

There is an AA saying that holds true even if you never go to AA. It works if you work it. Make a plan, and work that plan. Hope only got me so far. I had to take serious action. Coming here for support is a good start for you. I'm glad you did.

Welcome. I'm glad you are here. I, too, have felt hopeless and filled with self loathing. Every day without a drink makes it better.

Welcome, some of your story will be a familiar tale to many people here ( me too), I hope that helps you feel a sense of belonging and safe to seek support.
As low as you feel now, you'll feel so much better with some sober time.
Good luck x

I had to come across reading this for everything to hit home with me finally (along with the mishaps drinking brings)
.
"It is not how much you drink, nor how long you have drank that determines if you are an alcoholic, it is what happens to you after that first drink that determines if you are an alcoholic."

I have suspected for many years I may have a problem with alcohol. My parents are active members of AA and Al-anon since I can remember. I have heard numerous stories and been in more meetings on both sides than I can count. So I thought I knew the signs and the circumstances and all the above as to the what, why, when, where, and who could be an alcoholic. I now am taking responsibility of my own actions and changing my future to better myself. I am the only thing I can control. Me, Myself, and I.
I have always been a "sundowner". I never drank the first drop until it was the acceptable hour to drink. After 4 o'clock, unless it was Saturday or Sunday that would be after 12 o'clock. I have raised my three children to be productive members of society. I have held down a job responsibly and have climbed the ladder successfully. I have been married for 20 years. I have a nice home, cars, boats, a vacation spot. I am well educated, caring, charismatic and very talented musically and artistically.
Even with just the few blessings I have mentioned here, I am still an alcoholic.

I will pray for you...you pray for me too. It can't be cured, but it can be beaten I have faith in that!

Welcome to SR and thank you for sharing your story. As you most likely know from your career, sharing these things in itself can help quite a bit. Have you shared these thoughts or your struggles with drinking with your therapist? If so it might be a good thing to do as well.

You mentioned that you surround yourself with people who drink just like you. Most of us did, I know I did. One of the first ( and hardest ) things you'll need to do is stop surrounding yourself with those kinds of people. It will be difficult, but you need to build up a network of people who do not drink alcoholically. To my surprise, and most alcoholics, most people do NOT drink alcoholically...most drink moderately or not at all. It's tough but a step you need to take for at least a while.

Being a therapist you probably also know that it will take more than just "not drinking" to get you where you want to be. Meeting based recovery can be a part of that of course, or counseling, or self help, etc. Finding a balance of what works best for you is key, and always remember that you are the patient here - the tables are flipped - so you will need to accept that help must come from outside to make this work long term.

I hope you can join us for some more conversation and sharing, SR can be an invaluable place to find support.

Agree...it feels better to take a decisive stand against the booze. It was such a fight the first few days. It got easier though. Now, after almost 3 months sober, the desire is like a nagging annoyance. My resolve is constantly under a low intensity psychological attack. Hope is not a term I choose in this battle. Fighting for my life.

:grouphug:

Welcome to the Forum Needtobreathe!! :wave:

I am also on day 1... again. And I carry the mom guilt too which just pushes me to want to drink again to numb the pain and forget the guilt. It never works, but that 5pm hour creeps up daily and the pull to drink is overwhelming.
I understand your struggles and I hope you can find the strength to not drink, just today. That's my goal !!!

To all of these, yes. The hopeless feeling I have comes from so many day ones. When I think back on ten years, there are literally dozens of times that I did (or said) something while drinking that I would NEVER have chosen to do or say while sober. Yikes.

I am so uncertain of my own ability to refuse alcohol this very evening that I don't have the confidence to say "I choose not to." To me that implies certainty. I don't have that.

I know I don't want this. I know I want to be a hot tea at night drinker. Someone who reads a good book or catches up on Netflix, etc. Or gets back into running. And, theoretically, I KNOW I can do this in the short-term, but I haven't been successful in the long-term.

For years, early, later, and now (I'm 35), alcohol has often been fun and freeing. My parents raised me at cocktail parties. My dad drank beer on long car trips. My mom travels with Jack Daniels in her suitcase.

A beloved therapist once told me that she didn't drink because her mom was an alcoholic and she knew the odds. I thought, "How do you do that? That's a choice?" Even though I cared deeply for her and have modeled my profession on her compassionate approach, I thought that sounded utterly boring.

And that still scares me, honestly. But not as much as my own guilt and shame, anymore. It's crippling.

My my........... I so relate to you. I too used to think non drinking meant boring. My most shameful moments have all been whilst drunk. You are putting everything so well, v articulate, thank you.
I'm still early in my efforts but am proud to say I've managed over 4 months this time. I'm in community work and I'm also a qualified counsellor...... I've also been drinking for over 40 years........... the rest as they say....
Anyways, I'm with you and so are loads of people here on SR, we can do it, we really can.
A big help to me was a book called "The Sober Revolution - calling time on wine o'clock". Google it and see what you think.
Take care.
xx

Welcome to SR, Needtobreathe. Sorry I missed your post yesterday.

Making these forums a regular part of my daily plan has been a cornerstone of my recovery this time. Building accountability to myself and others has been very important.

Wishing you the best today...

Needtobreathe, keep writing.

Make a pro/con list.

That "it will be boring" voice - that is the voice of your addiction.

There is no boring in sober! Trust me on this! No sleeping the day away, no morning showers in misery, no wasted nights. That euphoric feeling that you maybe still feel? It is going to turn on you and become necessity. It's not a matter of if - it is a matter of when. I didn't see it coming, then one day I had to have alcohol to feel normal, then I had to have it to keep from feeling awful.

Alcoholism is progressive. Get out while you can.