Dealing with death
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Dealing with death
My Grandmother passed away very suddenly last week. I was very close to her. I had been living with her for the past 9 months or so. She was 90 years old. Her mind was sharp.
I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow but I don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing anything. I have been at my parents all day watching tv. I just feel empty.
The last thing my Granny would want is me or any of us hanging around at home feeling sorry fofor ourselves.
I just don't have energy to do anything. I haven't been drinking and I don't want to. I have been taking Antabuse for the past few days, as an insurance policy I suppose.
My dad has been asking me about this as well. I know my family are just concerned and they love me. But really drinking is the last thing I feel like doing.
I was extremely close to my Granny. She was a huge part of our lives.
I just feel numb and tired. And scared.
I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow but I don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing anything. I have been at my parents all day watching tv. I just feel empty.
The last thing my Granny would want is me or any of us hanging around at home feeling sorry fofor ourselves.
I just don't have energy to do anything. I haven't been drinking and I don't want to. I have been taking Antabuse for the past few days, as an insurance policy I suppose.
My dad has been asking me about this as well. I know my family are just concerned and they love me. But really drinking is the last thing I feel like doing.
I was extremely close to my Granny. She was a huge part of our lives.
I just feel numb and tired. And scared.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Yes, you are numb and tired and scared. You lost someone very important to you and now you have to adjust to that.
Your commitment to not drinking is admirable. Now commit to giving yourself some time to reach a new equilibrium.
You'll feel better eventually.
Your commitment to not drinking is admirable. Now commit to giving yourself some time to reach a new equilibrium.
You'll feel better eventually.
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
It's only been a week. I would say take time off if allowed and if you need it. If you've never read about the stages of grief, this could help your experience feel a little more "normal": The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central You sound okay to me.
BTW, I just saw Amelie on Netflix and have to say it is one of the best movies I've seen in years. I love that girl.
BTW, I just saw Amelie on Netflix and have to say it is one of the best movies I've seen in years. I love that girl.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I am so sorry, Tetra. I know from a still pretty fresh experience how unreal this can feel... just lost my dad (with whom I had a quite special relationship) less than a month ago. I was totally hysterical at first, then calm, then my mind would become surprisingly crystal clear and focused on what I had to do (arrangements around the funeral etc). Since then, so far it's been more or less lots of mood swings with occasional bursts of out-of-control emotions (all kinds), and my motivation to do things is like a sinus curve with high amplitudes of highs and lows. I experienced the death of loved ones and people close to me before several times in my life, but nothing comparable to this. Perhaps the latter ("nothing comparable to this") is also related to my own personal development, and I am not entirely unhappy about it.
And yes, the emptiness... that also comes and goes for me. I know this sad emptiness feeling from my worst times with drinking and depression, but outside of active addictions and depression, it's really not a state I am particularly prone to. But I am prone to fears of emptiness and annihilation, so not surprised that in this current state when I think I am probably more self-aware than ever before in my life, it can feel like torture at times.
What I would suggest to you, if I may, is that you seek company, comfort, and support also outside of your family. I've found a grief counseling group, and a few artist groups that are into expressing things about death, dying, connection and disconnection etc. I like the arts a lot so this is probably what's best for me, better than simply just sitting with people and talking in an ordinary setting. I was also told to pay extra attention to my self-preservation needs: like make sure I eat, sleep, generally just take care of my well-being. And I do keep to these, and you know, they help tons.
I've also been reading a lot online about related subjects, and this is good for me because sometimes I find startlingly innovative, deep, and useful ideas that most likely would not be given to me in conventional support systems. But from the latter... I also keep in touch more with the people who knew my dad well in the past several years. Nothing excessive, just a phone call here and there.
And more than anything, I would say do not avoid your feelings if you can and if you can experience them in a safe way, eg. without the risk of relapsing.
My heart goes out to you
And yes, the emptiness... that also comes and goes for me. I know this sad emptiness feeling from my worst times with drinking and depression, but outside of active addictions and depression, it's really not a state I am particularly prone to. But I am prone to fears of emptiness and annihilation, so not surprised that in this current state when I think I am probably more self-aware than ever before in my life, it can feel like torture at times.
What I would suggest to you, if I may, is that you seek company, comfort, and support also outside of your family. I've found a grief counseling group, and a few artist groups that are into expressing things about death, dying, connection and disconnection etc. I like the arts a lot so this is probably what's best for me, better than simply just sitting with people and talking in an ordinary setting. I was also told to pay extra attention to my self-preservation needs: like make sure I eat, sleep, generally just take care of my well-being. And I do keep to these, and you know, they help tons.
I've also been reading a lot online about related subjects, and this is good for me because sometimes I find startlingly innovative, deep, and useful ideas that most likely would not be given to me in conventional support systems. But from the latter... I also keep in touch more with the people who knew my dad well in the past several years. Nothing excessive, just a phone call here and there.
And more than anything, I would say do not avoid your feelings if you can and if you can experience them in a safe way, eg. without the risk of relapsing.
My heart goes out to you
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Tetra, I am so sorry. I remember you talking about your Grandmother here.
As Trach says, give yourself time, and allow yourself to feel all your feelings.
Its really special that you had a Grandmother to be so close to. Hard to lose someone you love so much.
May she rest sweetly. I am really sorry.
As Trach says, give yourself time, and allow yourself to feel all your feelings.
Its really special that you had a Grandmother to be so close to. Hard to lose someone you love so much.
May she rest sweetly. I am really sorry.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Dear Tetra,
Please accept my deepest sympathy over the death of your beloved Granny. I don't recall that you and I have communicated directly here on SR, but I've read your posts and can tell you're a wise, sensitive woman. Understandably, this is a very sad time for you. Your Granny sounds like a very nice woman.
My beloved father died -- unexpectedly -- a little over a year ago. I cannot tell you that I know the right way to grieve. It is hard.
Stepping back into your normalcy in a life now changed isn't easy, but it is necessary. Perhaps for now, some baby steps. Get outdoors for a walk ... go out for a cup of coffee ... usher yourself back into your world, the world of the living. The basics matter. Eat nutritiously, stay hydrated, do your best to get a good night's sleep.
I remember not wanting to go back to work -- my employer offered me a week's bereavement leave and I took the entire time. I had to push myself back to the office but it helped to be back into my routine. In some ways, it's the old "fake it, you can make it" approach. It helped. And you're right: Granny wouldn't want life to come to a couch-bound halt. She happily gave you love to help you build the foundations of your life.
Take comfort in Granny's life and the love you had for one another. Rest in the knowledge that there was no business unfinished, no words left unsaid, no love unexpressed. That is a tremendous gift.
Continue to be grateful for your sobriety. Mine was like a life preserver. It shall continue to serve you well.
You're going to be all right, Tetra.
Venecia
Please accept my deepest sympathy over the death of your beloved Granny. I don't recall that you and I have communicated directly here on SR, but I've read your posts and can tell you're a wise, sensitive woman. Understandably, this is a very sad time for you. Your Granny sounds like a very nice woman.
My beloved father died -- unexpectedly -- a little over a year ago. I cannot tell you that I know the right way to grieve. It is hard.
Stepping back into your normalcy in a life now changed isn't easy, but it is necessary. Perhaps for now, some baby steps. Get outdoors for a walk ... go out for a cup of coffee ... usher yourself back into your world, the world of the living. The basics matter. Eat nutritiously, stay hydrated, do your best to get a good night's sleep.
I remember not wanting to go back to work -- my employer offered me a week's bereavement leave and I took the entire time. I had to push myself back to the office but it helped to be back into my routine. In some ways, it's the old "fake it, you can make it" approach. It helped. And you're right: Granny wouldn't want life to come to a couch-bound halt. She happily gave you love to help you build the foundations of your life.
Take comfort in Granny's life and the love you had for one another. Rest in the knowledge that there was no business unfinished, no words left unsaid, no love unexpressed. That is a tremendous gift.
Continue to be grateful for your sobriety. Mine was like a life preserver. It shall continue to serve you well.
You're going to be all right, Tetra.
Venecia
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Tetra, I'm sorry to hear this. It's understandable to be numb and tired. Things will get better as time goes by. As you said, your Granny wasn't the type of person who'd want you moping, but we all need to get used to a huge change like this. You will see her again.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Sorry to hear about your Grandmother Tetra, mine passed away recently too, my last living grandparent. The feelings you are having now are normal....not pleasant, but normal and necessary when we lose a loved one. When we turned to alcohol we basically repress these feelings, when we are sober they hit us face on. It's a good thing though....we are supposed to grieve, cry and miss our loved ones. If you need to talk about it please do, either here or with someone you trust in person. The memories of the people we love will not fade, but the hurt will if we let it take its course.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 551
I am so sorry for your loss, Tetra. I remember reading about her in your threads, and it was clear that your relationship meant a lot to you both. I hope you are able to find comfort in your memories. Please be kind to yourself at this difficult time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hugs Tetra. I find for me that getting back into an established routine helps deal with stuff. It may be hard at first but the way You've described your co workers, I think they'll look out for you.
Hang in there.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,074
I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother x Grief is a very personal process so the only advice I can give to you is to take each day as it comes, your emotions naturally are bound to be very up and down, its perfectly ok to experience a range of emotions sadness, numbness, wishing (it hadnt happen, if only I did or said this) you may even experience feelings of anger and guilt, some people cant cry some people shed bucket loads, some want to be around others and other people want to be left alone... and you know it is ok to laugh and it is ok to smile too. Take each day as it comes and just go with the flow of your emotions and let it come out. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Ensure you get plenty of rest and eat as well as you can, drink smoothies or soup if you have little appetite. Take good good care of yourself hun x sending you love and strength during this difficult time x x
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