Wy would anyone want to be friends with me?
 

I've just come back from a trip abroad.
I'm reflecting a bit on how it was.
My friend and her child and me and my child.

I think (I've not made my mind up yet) that being sober has made me quite dull.
I don't know if I am being a bit hard on myself, but tonight I laughed at something and I realised I didn't do much of that last week.
Maybe the only time I perked up was when we were going home.

I realised I'm not often light hearted.
I realised I often want the day to come to an end so I can go to sleep.
It has made me wonder what type of a friend I really am to others?

I just can't imagine why anyone would want to spend time with me.

I'm not having a pity party.
I do struggle with depression and anxiety and take tablets.
I would say my moods are on a constant now.
Thats as in there are no great high's but there are no great lows either, which I can live with.
So I don't think these feelings are a consequence of my depression - just more of a sad realisation.

I don't think for 1 minute I was the life and soul when I drank, but maybe I was more fun to be with.

I am quite principled now - I don't drink alcohol. coffee, smoke or swear.
Thats what I wanted.
I chose that life.
I still choose that life.
But I can't help feeling I am dull to be around.
It makes me want to apologise to my friend and others and say that I understand if they don't want to spend time with me.

Does anyone else relate?

Why would anyone not want to be friends with you? :)

From your posts I know you're a caring compassionate person - but you've been through a lot in a few years, and maybe you're still working through that?

I'm a lot quieter than I used to be too, and I love my home comforts over travelling - but none of that makes me dull.

I'm willing to bet it doesn't make you dull either Sasha :)

D

Sasha, you don't sound dull to me. You sound like an intelligent, thoughtful person. Depression can sometimes place a "curtain" over our experiences and feelings. Give it time and consider talking to a doc or counselor about possible depression. I don't know how long you've been sober but if under a year, that can have a big impact, too.

Sasha,
I feel like that sometimes, because I don't get out much, and therefore don't have a lot of things to talk about. I can talk politics, and birds, or needlework. That doesn't make me very interesting, except to someone who has the same interests.
Perhaps you would feel better if you were with someone who shares your feelings about many things? If you get out and do more, you will have more to talk about... but its hard when you are a single parent , sometimes.

What kind of things do you like? Do you read books, sew, cook, or like to hike? I am happiest and feel alive when I am with someone I can relate to.

Don't doubt your self.. . maybe you do not have that much in common with this person. And there are many who value good moral choices, dear lady.

I just want to give you a hug. :hug:

I think the depression part is fine - as in its treated well and its manageable at the moment.

I think what I meant is that I don't think this is due to some untreated depression or anxiety. As in there is no need to go to see a doctor etc, its just a realisation. And a bit of a sad one at that too!

Maybe also its just the next stages on..........who know's?
As in when we give up drinking we have to be strong about wanting it for us and for the type of person it will make us.
In other words 'it is all about me'.

I suppose its just one of the first times that I have had to think about what type of a friend I am now I don't drink.

Or perhaps another way to explain it is that for the last 3 and a bit years it has been how I see myself without alcohol.
But recently, it has been how others see me without alcohol.

I'm 100% sure friends prefer the lack of drama etc.
However, I feel I have lost a bit of the fun in me too.

You are doubtless a different friend than the one you were when you drank. You have changed: you're not drunk, profane, or stink of nicotine. And no drunk drama... seems to me you would be a fine friend to have.

It took me a long time to fully integrate the best parts of new me and old me Sasha.

I think I have the mix right now. I'm certainly having a lot of fun...and I'm not bothered by any angst about being sober.

One thing I'll share is every time I've thought this journey is basically over and nothing can change...it does :)

Keep growing :)

D

Hi Sasha,
I just spent a weekend away with old friends and was sober during my time with them. I was, for the first time, really aware of how superficial their conversations and activities were. There was very little substance to any of it and I was struck by how sad it was that, nearing 50 years old and 30 years as friends, the group chose to get really drunk rather than truly catching up.
I have a poker/fishing friend who has been sober for about 5 years. He comes on all of our trips and is always a solid sober presence in the background. Trip after trip I have found myself staggering over to him to talk because he is so grounded and comfortable with himself. He served as an inspiration to me in June when I first quit drinking.
You seem to be a person of great depth and wisdom. My guess is that you are a wonderful friend and a great person to be around. Frivolity under the influence probably pales in comparison to your new solid personality. I'm sure it is noticed and appreciated by many of your friends.
Thank you for your post.
Jonathan

Sasha since ive been here you have been kind to me ive always considered you a friend

i totally agree with D

It takes some sober time to figure out who and what you are when you're not drinking. You need to learn how to have fun again. I don't know if there's a short cut or if it just takes time.

But I can say I wish I'd have more "boring" friends 20 years ago! Sanity would have been good for me.

I would so be friends with you! I know exactly where you are coming from. I sometimes avoid doing things because I don't have to try and be charming and clever by myself. Xoxo

I've slept on it and don't feel as bad this morning.....just a bit flat.

Thank you to all my friends here, especially my beloved Dee.
What would I do without you all here?

I agree too Dee that this journey we have undertaken keeps on revealing new lessons we have to learn and master about ourselves.

From now on I am going to try and find one funny, laugh out loud part of my day, everyday.

I gave up drinking because I wanted to be a happier person. I didn't want to fret about what I had done or said. I didn't want to worry about my health or what I might sacrifice next - job, friends, relationships, finances.

I just need to remind myself more often that I am winning this battle.
And smile about it more.

Least I would be knocking on your door for a hug if I could.
Della you will always be my friend my darling.
Chicory - I do like being more ladylike and I never thought about it like that!
Eddie - its nice not be a foul mouthed smelly drunk, you are right.
Wolf - I consider myself your little red riding hood!!
Myth - I will be your sane friend from now on! We could share knitting pattern tips?!!! Jonathan - I'm going to work on the solid bit more. That is a nice description of how I would like to be as a friend. Just as long as it never describes my thighs!!!
Saskia - you are right about time too. I think we always expect to 'get there' in a shorter time period and we should allow ourselves longer. I need to remind myself of this more often.
Dee - no words. You know I just adore you xxxx

Great to hear you're feeling better!! :)

I suppose it depends on our definition of "fun".

Some of the best Sober times I have had with people have simply been over a coffee or a cup of tea on a Saturday/Sunday morning after going early to bed, grabbing a newspaper on way to my local coffee shop and having some great conversation, to me that's what I call fun and enjoyment, either connecting with others or watching life go by.

I think you'd fit right in Sasha!! :hug: