ckoures

... because everything is all about me.

I've been tempted pretty good the last two days to drink. I can't wait until my divorce is final, because every bad feeling I have right now - stems from that.

My son tells me all the spouse does is talk bad about how horrible I am. The house, where I used to live but have not been able to get back into, is a mess. The lawn I worked hours to care for is all weeds. Every plant I spent money on to make a nice garden is dead. He's told my son to not let me in the house because I might steal.

It is all so stupid and malicious.

However, I didn't drink. I journaled. I meditated. But I am so mad at such a deep, deep level.

I am amazed I tolerated this. I am amazed he thinks he can bash me to my son. Where I used to feel sorry for him, I am now desperately angry.

Whew... there, got it off my chest. Still angry. But I pledge here that I will not use alcohol to soothe my anger. I think I will feel it, and deal with it as a sober person.

AnvilheadII

i hope you have your own garden to tend now....

take that however you want to!

Anna

I'm not sure how old your son is, but are you getting any kind of therapy for him? This is not a good situation for a child to be in.

Tooshabby

ckoures - I'd admire you for committing to feeling those feelings as a sober person. Keep heading in that direction and things will only get better and better :-)

I have been with my partner for 18 years. I'm biased, maybe, but he is a perfect human being, and the kindest father any child could ever dream of. When his two children were young (one has since died), their mother did nothing but bitch about what a terrible father he was, how he loved me more than them - stuff I can't even repeat. Needless to say, it tore them up, and caused major havoc when there was no need for there to be any at all. When I look back, I can see there are many things I could have done differently, but I'm so glad I didn't ever engage in dragging the children into it. We didn't say unkind things about her to the kids.

I sooooooo understand your anger. It gets better with time the further you get away from the situation. For us, that meant when the kids left home and became adults. She no longer had very much fuel for the fire. Keep posting anytime you need to. I know how stressful situations like this can be. You're doing incredibly well xxx

ckoures

I agree, Anna. He is 18 and is leaving for college in 19 days. Once he is out of the house, I'll help him. But he doesn't want to leave because of his father. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't and that's the way our entire lives with him have been. What's funny is his complaints have nothing to do with my drinking. Ha... It's just sad. And aggravating. My daughter has moved and lives with me and she is in counseling.

Soberwolf

(((((Ckours))))) i agree with Anna

ckoures

Thank you, Too.. I've committed to only laughing when my son tells me something about his dad, something like - Don't tell your mom when we aren't here, she might take the kitchen plates. I laugh and tell my son it's all ok, that I love him and his dad does too but it is a difficult time. Hopefully, it will end soon. Doubt it! But at least my son will be gone in 19 days and then it's just the spouse and me - and the war can go on with us alone.

Tooshabby

Fantastic. You are a great person :-)

PurpleKnight

Alcohol won't help the situation, it only makes things worse in my experience!!

Keep pushing through!!

ckoures

Totally agree. It's never made anything better. I can handle feeling mad or sad... but I can't handle feeling hung over ever again.

thomas11

Good for you in getting those things off your chest. It sounds maddening. I personally believe that drinking when emotions are heightened can be a recipe for disaster. Just think how pissed you'd be if you were lit up right now? Glad you are being the bigger person and not doing such petty things as badmouthing your spouse in front of your children. I'm sorry to say this, but that's just classless.

Tooshabby

lol thomas - quite agree

ckoures

Don't be sorry. It is ridiculous. He's always been a controlling person and I tried and tried to be what he wanted. Dumb. All it did was lose me and set a bad example for my kids. He can hate me on his own time. My life is too short to hate him. Thanks for the support. This just annoys the hell out of me. But if I was drunk, I'd do something dumb and then he might actually come out looking better than me! UGH!