zelt

Hi there.. I've been on and off this forum for about a year now and my girlfriend of almost 5 years. Has said she needs a break... We were supposed to have a night in together on Saturday. But I got bored and decided to drink while she was working during the day.. She went to her mums that night and the next day she said she wants some space and a break.. Naturally I'm devastated, and just plain numb at the moment. She said it's not just the drinking (I'm a weekend binge drinker) but she just isn't sure what she wants anymore and I'm scared of losing her. She says she still loves me, I feel like the only thing I should do is I guess give her the space and concentrate on NOT drinking. In the hopes that she sees that I truly am serious about giving it up. Also then again, I'm afraid that if I give her too much space I might lose her altogether. Any advice would be much appreciated.. Sorry for posting a relationship related thread here, but I didn't know where else to turn on this.

Thanks in advance everybody

Soberwolf

Getting & staying sober is top priority

MythOfSisyphus

On a good day you can only control yourself. If you want any chance of a future with her you'll have to stop drinking. But that can't be your only reason for quitting. If you quit because someone forced you to you'll probably resent her for it, and it's not easy to change due to outside pressure. Quit because you want to live a better life.

I wish you luck! Hopefully she'll see you're trying to change and give you another chance. Make the most of it!

Dee74

Hi Zelt - I'm sorry for your pain.

Honestly the best thing you can do now is decide if you really want to stop drinking.

If you do, go for it - that will give you every chance in the world of having the life and the girl you want.

But in the end it need to be for you - cos you're tired of the same old crap happening every time you drink.

I was sick of looking at myself in disgust in the mirror.

I realised I had a lot more I wanted to do and achieve - and I couldn't do that drinking - not even cutting back, because I could never cut back, not for long.

D

blueberry2015

Im sorry to hear of your relationship difficulties. As a woman I would allow her the space she needs. The fact she says she still loves you is encouraging. Give her her space but keep in contact by text, dont bombard her but a simple text to say how are you? Tell her your'll give her all the space she needs and that your willing to talk when she is ready x If you love her then tell her. All I can say is give it time - she needs some space to get her head together. Dont fear the worst and be willing to work things out with her - its all you can do. Good Luck x

PurpleKnight

For me Sobriety was a great foundation upon which to build a life on, it might be time to draw a line under alcohol once and for all, and go from there.

It seems to me that if you keep drinking she's not going to want a relationship, and to be honest it's not fair expecting her to put up with someone else's drinking, whereas if she takes a break, you work on yourself then there may be a chance, the worst case scenario is that it doesn't work out between you both but you gain Sobriety and a chance to reclaim your life back from alcohol.

But you gotta do it for you, there is no point getting Sober for someone else, because if the relationship doesn't work out, what happens then? back to drinking.

Do it for you, it can be done!!

FeelingGreat

Hi zelt, I know you love her but I can also see that in the latest incident you put yourself first (bored) and deprived her of an evening she was probably looking forward to. And she knows you're going to do it again, and again. You'll put the alcohol first because you need it.

I know this sounds harsh, but it's coming from a sober A who's been in your shoes. You could choose to stop drinking altogether, forever, but you'll need to do it because you don't want a crappy life. It's your choice, not your girlfriend's.

I take it you're ready to admit you have a problem because you're on SR? You can find plenty of support from your doctor, counselling, AA, and programs run by non-profits. It's all there; just make up your mind whether you want it badly enough.

All the best.

doggonecarl

I will second Soberwolf's advice...get sober and stay sober.

Don't use this breakup as an excuse to drink.

CaseyW

No relationship advice from me. Just glad you're back in here, zelt. Give sobriety a real chance and you might be surprised how much better the rest of your life will quickly become as well. You're in my thoughts and prayers today.

EndGameNYC

If I'm with someone who makes it difficult for me to want to be with her, and when talking about our difficulties doesn't make a difference, then I might do the same thing as your GF. Many people are simply blind to the effects we have on other people, particularly when we're drinking.

I wouldn't necessarily want to hear from that person, or that she's doing things to work through her issues. I'd need to see it, and not just for a few weeks, particularly if the situation is a repeat of the past. One of the best ways for me to know that the person has taken seriously her own recovery from whatever, would be if she were to start getting help, focus on herself, and pretty much leave me alone. Asking for space is just a formality. We don't truly need someone's permission, and the way the other person reacts to this is often telling. If your GF is being honest about needing space for the things she's described, she needs to see decisiveness on your part in the service of making adjustments around those things that are keeping you apart.

Beyond the maneuvering and the politics of interpersonal relationships, it's time you take care of yourself and, as others have commented, not use this situation as an excuse to drink. I'm not very good at helping people to get sober, but I am familiar with the thought patterns and behaviors that keep people locked into their drinking and that lead to relapse. Many of us here have learned the same things from our drinking and our sobriety. If you're drinking when you're bored, then it's important that you understand what makes you bored, and why it is that you turn to drinking once you're there.

What's important in this very moment, however, is that you make a commitment to doing whatever you can in order to get sober. None of us ever gets what we want or need in life by continuing to drink, and most of us just continue losing people and things that are important to us due to our drinking.

You're at a crossroads. The choice is yours.

SparkleKitty

She has asked you for exactly what she needs -- time and space. You won't do yourself, her, or your relationship any favor by not giving that to her. The flip side is doing so will also give you the time and space you need to decide how you want to move forward in your relationship with drinking. Sending you strength and courage to let go of someone who is asking you to do so, and to focus on taking care of yourself.

FreeOwl

sounds like a good opportunity for you to take some space for yourself.

One response might be... "I hear you, and I respect your need for space. I think I need some space too.... it's clear to me that I have some growing to do and also that I have some issues I need to deal with for myself. I love you, I want us to work. To do that, I'm going to get started working on ME".

Then - get honest with yourself about your relationship with alcohol.

Whether it's her or someone else down the line.... you'll never be truly present in relationship with another human being when you're not in relationship with yourself and you're caught up in a life of addiction.

Aellyce

Zelt, five years in a relationship is a long time and must be a very significant amount of life experience together. I would say, if the relationship is something that's worth the trial of difficulties (both separate and shared), it is quite unlikely to vanish with some space and time. I actually think there is important value in asking a partner for some distance at times and revealing that we may need a bit of alone time, whatever reason. I am personally much more comfortable with this than someone I have spent a lot of time with and trusted in, just disappearing. I would give it to her and to yourself. I would focus on yourself for a while, use the time to honestly face your own problems and your parts of the shared problems. Without drinking of course. Then revisit the relationship if it's still alive. Your worrying that she might detach from you if you don't keep chasing is most likely to be quite unproductive (and even counterproductive) in the bigger picture. Working on yourself for a while and then possibly reconnecting (if still relevant) might bring not only personal growth, but also a new era to the relationship.