I don't know who I am anymore.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I don't know who I am anymore.
Existential rant incoming.... 
That accidental drinking has really sent me into a weird headspace.
For the longest time, forever really, I defined myself by my wine. It consumed the majority of my thought when actively drinking. Then, when I sobered, it still owned me. Primarily because I spent so much energy fighting against urges.
But that inadvertent drink made me realize that there is absolutely nothing left there for me. But instant panic and misery. It served to create a shift of sorts in that I'm not longing for, or wondering about what I'm missing.
Resolve cemented.
I'm thisclose to experiencing a radical transition point in my life. My only child is leaving for university, my mother is all but gone. The craving I used to dream about for silence and peace when chaos was all I could see in any direction, is coming at me faster than I can acclimate to it.
Peace ? You want peace ?!)! You can't handle the peace. Lol.
I don't know where I fit anymore. Certainly don't know where I belong. It used to be softball fields, hospitals, PTA meetings, and yes, bars to shake off the stress of a life that I thought I couldn't handle without being drunk.
Now, all that has changed. Indelibly.
(Insert mic drop).
That accidental drinking has really sent me into a weird headspace.
For the longest time, forever really, I defined myself by my wine. It consumed the majority of my thought when actively drinking. Then, when I sobered, it still owned me. Primarily because I spent so much energy fighting against urges.
But that inadvertent drink made me realize that there is absolutely nothing left there for me. But instant panic and misery. It served to create a shift of sorts in that I'm not longing for, or wondering about what I'm missing.
Resolve cemented.
I'm thisclose to experiencing a radical transition point in my life. My only child is leaving for university, my mother is all but gone. The craving I used to dream about for silence and peace when chaos was all I could see in any direction, is coming at me faster than I can acclimate to it.
Peace ? You want peace ?!)! You can't handle the peace. Lol.
I don't know where I fit anymore. Certainly don't know where I belong. It used to be softball fields, hospitals, PTA meetings, and yes, bars to shake off the stress of a life that I thought I couldn't handle without being drunk.
Now, all that has changed. Indelibly.
(Insert mic drop).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
I can relate to what you're saying alpha. You're undergoing a massive transitional change.
However, you have a chance to do other things with this change. You can look into new hobbies or into volunteering for an organization. There are a lot of things you can do. Maybe you can look at it as a chance for new opportunities?
However, you have a chance to do other things with this change. You can look into new hobbies or into volunteering for an organization. There are a lot of things you can do. Maybe you can look at it as a chance for new opportunities?
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Who are you? Whoever you want to be. You get the chance to tear it down and make it whatever you want. I went through some existential angst a while back and still probably am. Same thing, kid leaving for college, mom dumped me, something I used to spend a lot of time doing (drinking)gone...recovery not taking up as much energy as it used to. What to do now that I can't use those things to define me anymore? I am sure we will figure something out AO. It will probably involve cat pictures and the internet but whatever.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
(((((STRAT))))))
Yes. I'm already signed up for sketch drawling, water colors, salsa dancing, and golf lessons. I have to upgrade my website and software. Things that needed desperate attending do (read: my ever expanding badonk a donk) will get some well needed attention.
I have been preparing for this moment for a few years. I knew empty nesting was pending, so I tried to get a jump on it. But golly goodness, when it's here staring you in your mug, it's breath grabbing.
Like no amount of preparation can get you ready for this magnanimous transition.
I'm kinda a scared.
Yes. I'm already signed up for sketch drawling, water colors, salsa dancing, and golf lessons. I have to upgrade my website and software. Things that needed desperate attending do (read: my ever expanding badonk a donk) will get some well needed attention.
I have been preparing for this moment for a few years. I knew empty nesting was pending, so I tried to get a jump on it. But golly goodness, when it's here staring you in your mug, it's breath grabbing.
Like no amount of preparation can get you ready for this magnanimous transition.
I'm kinda a scared.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
I am excited about her going to college. I never went on account of the world ending any day so I am looking forward to seeing what my little sapling has got. The only thing I worry about is a failure to launch but it is only an hour away.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I totally get that excitement. It's like I'm torn. Part of me can't wait to push her outta the nest and watch her soar, the other part is hanging on to her leg while snot bubbles manifest. Although, she will never witness that part. She already had declared, mom you will be just fine, it's dad I'm worried about.
I'm a helluva actress.
End of times. Lol. Good God. Don't I ever know it. We weren't 7th day Adventists, but my fathers nickname for my mother was Chicken Little.
Bible.
I'm a helluva actress.
End of times. Lol. Good God. Don't I ever know it. We weren't 7th day Adventists, but my fathers nickname for my mother was Chicken Little.
Bible.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Chicken Little is one of my names for my husband. Nothing to do with religion he is just one of those people with a negative cognitive bias.
I remember her first day of kindergarten. I felt this sinking feeling in my stomach as I watched her get on the bus. Everyplace she ever was I drove her there. Now it was on someone else to get her there. Ewe! She left that day kind of clingy and came home thinking she was hot ****. It is going to be really good for them to be off and get some confidence. It's going to be good for me because I am all done being responsible for everything that happens to her. Time for her to take over.
I remember her first day of kindergarten. I felt this sinking feeling in my stomach as I watched her get on the bus. Everyplace she ever was I drove her there. Now it was on someone else to get her there. Ewe! She left that day kind of clingy and came home thinking she was hot ****. It is going to be really good for them to be off and get some confidence. It's going to be good for me because I am all done being responsible for everything that happens to her. Time for her to take over.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
That is awesome that you have all those activities planned. It is a massive transition, so I can definitely relate to the anxiety and apprehension leading up to it . Sometimes when I've gone through massive change, I keep in mind that God/HP has a plan and that he will get me to where I need to be. Also, you have all of us here to lean on.
If you want to look at more pictures of cats with cat memes with a story, there is the fluffy thread in the user created social groups. I get my cat fix there.
. Sometimes when I've gone through massive change, I keep in mind that God/HP has a plan and that he will get me to where I need to be. Also, you have all of us here to lean on. If you want to look at more pictures of cats with cat memes with a story, there is the fluffy thread in the user created social groups. I get my cat fix there.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I was just reflecting on daycare. She was a wreck every time I dropped her off. But after I left, they told me she was just fine.
Hoping that happens to me when I fly her down and kiss her goodbye.
Sigh.
Hoping that happens to me when I fly her down and kiss her goodbye.
Sigh.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Yes oh yes oh yes my friend Strat. HP has got my back for sure.
I was so close to choosing to drink Friday. Choosing. CHOOSING to give up everything I have worked soooo hard for seven months today.
But then, I was handed the choice. Literally presented to me on a silver platter. Almost like - here's your chance. Whatcha gonna do ? Sink or swim.
I guess I dog paddled .lololol
But hey, it worked right ?
Careful what you ask for.
I was so close to choosing to drink Friday. Choosing. CHOOSING to give up everything I have worked soooo hard for seven months today.
But then, I was handed the choice. Literally presented to me on a silver platter. Almost like - here's your chance. Whatcha gonna do ? Sink or swim.
I guess I dog paddled .lololol
But hey, it worked right ?
Careful what you ask for.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Originally Posted by alphaomega 
Existential rant incoming....
That accidental drinking has really sent me into a weird headspace.
For the longest time, forever really, I defined myself by my wine. It consumed the majority of my thought when actively drinking. Then, when I sobered, it still owned me. Primarily because I spent so much energy fighting against urges.
But that inadvertent drink made me realize that there is absolutely nothing left there for me. But instant panic and misery. It served to create a shift of sorts in that I'm not longing for, or wondering about what I'm missing.
Resolve cemented.
I'm thisclose to experiencing a radical transition point in my life. My only child is leaving for university, my mother is all but gone. The craving I used to dream about for silence and peace when chaos was all I could see in any direction, is coming at me faster than I can acclimate to it.
Peace ? You want peace ?!)! You can't handle the peace. Lol.
I don't know where I fit anymore. Certainly don't know where I belong. It used to be softball fields, hospitals, PTA meetings, and yes, bars to shake off the stress of a life that I thought I couldn't handle without being drunk.
Now, all that has changed. Indelibly.
(Insert mic drop).
That accidental drinking has really sent me into a weird headspace.
For the longest time, forever really, I defined myself by my wine. It consumed the majority of my thought when actively drinking. Then, when I sobered, it still owned me. Primarily because I spent so much energy fighting against urges.
But that inadvertent drink made me realize that there is absolutely nothing left there for me. But instant panic and misery. It served to create a shift of sorts in that I'm not longing for, or wondering about what I'm missing.
Resolve cemented.
I'm thisclose to experiencing a radical transition point in my life. My only child is leaving for university, my mother is all but gone. The craving I used to dream about for silence and peace when chaos was all I could see in any direction, is coming at me faster than I can acclimate to it.
Peace ? You want peace ?!)! You can't handle the peace. Lol.
I don't know where I fit anymore. Certainly don't know where I belong. It used to be softball fields, hospitals, PTA meetings, and yes, bars to shake off the stress of a life that I thought I couldn't handle without being drunk.
Now, all that has changed. Indelibly.
(Insert mic drop).
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Save me a seat. A daughter growing up and cats……I am just so glad we are all there for our girls.
I have no idea what you mean by time on your hands…..says the woman who spent 4 hours on her hands and knees pulling crabgrass out of the lawn today while surrounded by a posse of cats. I know the neighbors must be like "I thought she quit drinking".
I have no idea what you mean by time on your hands…..says the woman who spent 4 hours on her hands and knees pulling crabgrass out of the lawn today while surrounded by a posse of cats. I know the neighbors must be like "I thought she quit drinking".
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by jaynie04
Save me a seat. A daughter growing up and cats……I am just so glad we are all there for our girls.
I have no idea what you mean by time on your hands…..says the woman who spent 4 hours on her hands and knees pulling crabgrass out of the lawn today while surrounded by a posse of cats. I know the neighbors must be like "I thought she quit drinking".
I have no idea what you mean by time on your hands…..says the woman who spent 4 hours on her hands and knees pulling crabgrass out of the lawn today while surrounded by a posse of cats. I know the neighbors must be like "I thought she quit drinking".
Little girl came home from Lollapalooza tonight. Came right to me and snuggled up. Smelled faintly of booze and Axe.
She drank a little.
We Talked extensively about the kids smoking weed. Those on coke. And the ones on Molly whose eyes were rolling back in their heads while they chewed on pacifiers. She was shook up. It bothered her. I grabbed onto the teaching moment with both hands. She had a lot of questions. I had a few answers. So much we are learning together.
Im giving this world, through her, the very best I have inside of me.
I pray the world is kind to her. That they treat her well. And that there will be someone to bandage her owies when I'm thousands of miles away.
thanks for listening and being there for me tonight.
(((((((((Friends))))))) EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Not knowing who we are is known as a "boundary situation" and an "existential moment" in existential philosophy and psychology, in which we have opportunities for self-reflection that can lead to meaningful change and, ultimately, acceptance. They offer moments in which we can more genuinely assess ourselves, our lives, and our purpose in life. They are opportunities to re-create ourselves, not by constructing a world that's necessarily new and different for us, but by listening to our truer, inner selves as a means of living authentically.
This self-reflection has nothing to do with objective reasoning; the process itself, in fact, bridles at such empty exercises, and referring to our accumulation of knowledge only leaves us in despair. The successful navigation of boundary situations requires a profound alteration in the way we think and in the ways in which we engage ourselves and the rest of the world. We don't think ourselves or plan ourselves out of boundary situations, but take stock of our possibilities -- who and what we can become as individuals. Attempts to step out of or avoid boundary situations are wasted moments, in part because boundary situations don't come along every day. We can reassess our purpose in life at every moment, but there's very little obvious incentive to do so, and so we typically defer, going about our everydayness until things are shaken up again.
Rare are those days when we think, "Something needs to change." And when we also mean it. Though there is pain involved in your particular situation -- which may well define existential moments -- you've been presented with an excellent opportunity to move on to another phase of your life, of your existence. We cannot successfully leave any particular life situation without stepping into another. To do otherwise would leave us in despair. Drinking and other forms of psychopathology ensure that this movement towards becoming, towards existential growth, will never occur. Unless we act.
We reveal who we are by our actions, ever and always, drinking or sober. What's perhaps most frightening about boundary situations is that we are always free to choose.
This self-reflection has nothing to do with objective reasoning; the process itself, in fact, bridles at such empty exercises, and referring to our accumulation of knowledge only leaves us in despair. The successful navigation of boundary situations requires a profound alteration in the way we think and in the ways in which we engage ourselves and the rest of the world. We don't think ourselves or plan ourselves out of boundary situations, but take stock of our possibilities -- who and what we can become as individuals. Attempts to step out of or avoid boundary situations are wasted moments, in part because boundary situations don't come along every day. We can reassess our purpose in life at every moment, but there's very little obvious incentive to do so, and so we typically defer, going about our everydayness until things are shaken up again.
Rare are those days when we think, "Something needs to change." And when we also mean it. Though there is pain involved in your particular situation -- which may well define existential moments -- you've been presented with an excellent opportunity to move on to another phase of your life, of your existence. We cannot successfully leave any particular life situation without stepping into another. To do otherwise would leave us in despair. Drinking and other forms of psychopathology ensure that this movement towards becoming, towards existential growth, will never occur. Unless we act.
We reveal who we are by our actions, ever and always, drinking or sober. What's perhaps most frightening about boundary situations is that we are always free to choose.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Free to choose. Oh yes my friend Endgame.
My free will choices have been popping up like whack a moles. I'm like - CHOICES ?!?! When have I ever gotten to choose ? For MYSELF ??? Whhhaaaatttttt ???
This is unchartered territory for sure.
My free will choices have been popping up like whack a moles. I'm like - CHOICES ?!?! When have I ever gotten to choose ? For MYSELF ??? Whhhaaaatttttt ???
This is unchartered territory for sure.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by Dee74
I can promise you one thing for certain - keep looking for your spot, your niche, your place of internal and external peace - you will find it AO
D
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: FLAAADAH
Posts: 793
AO...what I'am reading doesnt sound like you. What has happened...or been happening to bring you to this point ?
Many times in the course of extended abstinence, I have been looking for a reason to drink. Sometimes not even realizing it. Sometimes, totally aware of looking for something to justify it. I found a good enough reason (or so I thought) everytime.
Too many times.
So. I ask again. Whats really going on.
If you care to share, thats fine. If you care not to, thats fine.
We're here for you.
DD
P.S. I may be way off base here. If so, please forgive me.
Many times in the course of extended abstinence, I have been looking for a reason to drink. Sometimes not even realizing it. Sometimes, totally aware of looking for something to justify it. I found a good enough reason (or so I thought) everytime.
Too many times.
So. I ask again. Whats really going on.
If you care to share, thats fine. If you care not to, thats fine.
We're here for you.
DD
P.S. I may be way off base here. If so, please forgive me.
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