Intro & need to vent - Stuck Halfway around the world
 

Greetings,

I am in a very bad way with my drinking now. I am 36 and have drank heavily since I was 16.

Since I was 18, I have been pretty much a blackout drunk. Anything can trigger my drinking and I really should be dead by now. But, I never had a rock bottom, I always had great success in business which helped fuel my substance abuse.

My Fiancee left me when I was 26 because of my alcohol and cocaine abuse. I guess this is why I travelled quite a bit and ended up in SE Asia.

I opened a business in SE Asia when I was 28 which quickly grew to over 100 staff.

I have known for a while now that nothing will change in my life unless I stop. I guess its an emotional rock bottom, lost my soul. The longest I have made it without a drink is about 20 days.

Recently, my depression has gotten worse. After a binge drinking session I get terrible depression. Not suicidal depression, just what I am doing to my life type depression.

Since being here in Asia, I have nearly died several times, car accidents, alcohol induced stroke, and most recently I was involved in accident that could of easily killed the other person, but was lucky they only had minor injuries.

I've also had people tell me stories several times about things I have done while drunk which I do not remember. The only lucky part for me is my alcoholism is not a violent one, just a stupid one of poor decisions and embarrassment.

If you've never been to SE Asia, it is probably the worst place to be if you are an alcoholic.

I want to leave here, get myself into rehab back in the states and finally kick this beast.

So, the wheels are in motion to sell my business here which will pay for rehab and give me a nice cushion to live in the USA near my family for an extended time.

The problem is, I will be here for the next 6 months at least getting the sale done and tying up loose ends.

I also have a 17 year old golden retriever i brought from the states as well who is not fit to fly and I can't just leave behind.

I am un-employable as well, I have always worked myself which makes the move that much more frightening. I will have to start again, or stay here in Asia with a great job and most likely die.

But, this needs to be done. I do not think a change of location will change me, but perhaps being closer to my family (they all agree with me) will help.

It feels like a great panic everyday i am here. After a big session, I turn off my phone for example, avoid people for no real reason, just too depressed to talk to them.

The type of depression that I probably cry a few times a day when Im sober.

I can't really tell this anywhere else for obvious reasons, so it feels ok to get it off my chest.

All the best

Welcome, Panic455!

I found that once I quit drinking, a lot of things came together in my life. It was not easy, but alcohol was a major impediment to progress. A lot of your post seems to me to be projections of the future, and you are focused on problems instead of solutions. If you focus on solutions--stop drinking, for one--the problems will work out themselves.

Also, anxiety is a major symptom of alcohol withdrawal. Not only will your problems work out if you quit, but you will worry less about things too.

Read around and post often--it works if you work it!

:hug: I recognise that type of depression. This is the right place to get support to try and get sober.

How so?

A lot of alcoholics retire here. Bars everywhere, sex everywhere. Drugs too.

I feel horrible most of the time, anti-social.

I don't know if this makes sense, but I have planned my life here 8am to 10pm on which restaurants i will eat at, what I will or will not doing the the day, not wanting encounter certain people. For the most part I don't want to show them my face at all.

It is all planned in some sick alcoholic way.

I do not like anyone, especially myself.

And the weird thing, for the most part I am well respected business wise. I have incredibly loyal staff, I do business good, but I am a terrible alcoholic.

And I am amazingly productive if I just stop for a week, then a get on it again.

Or, Im not productive and I get on it again.

Or, anything really triggers it. I give my dog a bath, I wash my car, even typing here seems to trigger it.

Terrible alcoholism of which I know already the terrible consequence.

Welcome to the Forum Panic!! :wave:

I have those triggers too. For some reason, if I work my ass off in the yard all day or do anything to where I sweat a considerable amount, I just feel like when I am done I "deserve" a beer. Just gotta focus on something else. For me, I just drink a lot of water or cold green tea and read a good book for a couple hours or until the craving goes away. You got this. Mind over matter. Best wishes to you!

Welcome Panic

I'm very glad you found us, Panic. I'm sorry for the pain you're in. You never have to feel alone - we've all had those very same feelings. Please keep reading & posting. You're among friends.

Hi panic, the above statement is quite common. Many successful professionals have alcohol issues, there are some different theories as to why, but in the end, alcohol doesn't discriminate.

Based on your OP, you sound like you're in a tough spot, I feel for ya. I would imagine you put in a lot of effort to get your business to the point of being successful, maybe take that same approach to sobriety. Focus and motivate, and achieve sobriety. I wish you the very best.

I think that if you stop drinking you will be better able to care for your dog, run/sell your business and make decisions about your career and where to live. I know this is difficult, but you can do it if you have the motivation to change.

You are definitely a talented young leader, and certainly employable as you leave alcohol behind if you still choose to sell your company. So that is not a roadblock. It's too early on to give up on a solution for caring for your beloved pet too. Do stay with SR but perhaps add some/one/more barriers between you and the booze during these early days - AA, counselor, relocate/hire a friend or family member who can come help, set up your finances so you have no easy $$, etc.

Stick around, please. :grouphug:

thanks everyone,

I am determined to get out of this bad situation. It's like sometimes i want to go to sleep for 3-4 months. Crazy disease.

Hi Panic :)

I know you'll find support here - we actually have a few members from SEAsia - depending on where you are you might be able to find face to face support with something like AA too :)

I turned my life around - but if you're not afraid of a little hard work, I know you can too

D

How are you today Panic? :)

I've lived in the south Pacific and worked all over SE Asia.

You're right, it's definitely a difficult place to be an alcoholic / addict. So much debauchery and so much ready access to the things that ensnare us.

However.... I've also been sober in SE Asia. Granted it was only for a few months but I learned it could be done.

And... honestly... I've also found that almost no matter WHERE you are, if you're still a practicing alcoholic - you'll find the influence 'is everywhere'.

Bottom line is that wherever you go, there you are. It is possible to embrace sobriety regardless of your location. Yes, practicing just about any sort of business in SE Asia makes it challenging. But if you've ever done business in SE Asia you also know that there are millions of businessmen and women in SE Asia who don't drink at all. You know that there is a huge Muslim community - many or most of whom do not drink. You know that while many alcoholic businesspeople embrace the notion that business gets done in the karaoke bars - there are just as many (probably many more) who are highly-successful doing business without booze.

Perhaps a location change will one day be a positive step for you - but I encourage you not to see your current location as a barrier. There is AA in Asia. The Big Book is available online. There is this community. You can do it - anywhere, anytime you really choose to do so.

Welcome.

:grouphug:

Sounds just like the United States.

And it doesn't sound like a reason not to get sober. Good luck.