ScottFromWI

What is your goal?

Ruby2

Exwell, scared of what? Quitting? Or not quitting? Or both? I scared myself into anxiety and panic attacks when I thought I'd have to quit drinking. Have you ever seen a tree grow through a fence? How it grows and becomes so entwined in the metal that you can't separate them without destroying one or the other? Tree and fence get distorted and misshapen. That's how I viewed alcohol in my life. I did and didn't want to quit but I was scared that my life was going to be warped and bent like the tree if I didn't.

I'm glad I did. My life didn't end with quitting. I don't feel like I've really lost anything much. But it wasn't easy. It takes work. But worth it.

exwell66

I am afraid of loosing control and when I say that its kind of a joke you all know ,,,I don't need to explain....the next few weeks will tell I will keep you informed..thanks

Soberween

It's almost like you believe that by just saying you are going to only have a few here or there, that you are suddenly cured of your drinking problem. If it was that simple, then I think everyone on this board and everyone in AA would just say "I decided I'm going to stop having a drinking problem and have a few drinks here or there." There are millions upon millions of alcoholics in this world and I've yet to meet one that went from abusing alcohol to not abusing it by saying out loud that they won't be addicted to alcohol anymore.

Zufrieden

Exwell
Put me in the camp with fair weather friends but I do question your post. I have asked myself a time or two what I would do if I decided I actually did not have a problem and I have decided that I would stop posting. This group is about not drinking, it would seem. If you have a different idea about your life then I would ask why throwing those ideas to the group would be necessary. I'm here, with all my warts, because I know that I cannot drink again and be healthy and satisfied with my life. I am desperate to not drink and am succeeding day by day by the skin of my teeth. There are no guarantees for me but if I drink I will be terribly disappointed and will know I fell afoul of my deepest goals for myself.
It see,s that you are still toying with the idea of whether you have/ don't have a problem. That is fine but I've read most of your posts and see equivocation.
We are all here for you but you have to decide, until you do, running your flights of fancy past a bunch of people scared to death of drinking is going to be fairly unproductive.
Best wishes and all my best
Jonathan

2muchpain

I see two good things going on here. First, you posted here on SR and were honest about where you're coming from. Second, you are very concerned about going backwards and going through the hell you went through before. You sound like an intelligent person so you know the only way to avoid repeating the past is to be proactive and find ways to keep it from happening again. So, what steps can you take now to relieve your concerns and turn a corner? What can you do take control of your situation? Nothing is inevitable unless we make it so. John

Dee74

Ex,

the bottom line is something about your drinking bought you here.

You can hope and pray and scream and shout...but unless you've made major changes, this time is not going to turn out any different.

I'm sorry but I don't see any major changes being made man.

D

Fluffer

Good luck, bud, I hope this doesn't become a train-wreck thread but it has all the makings of one.

sva777

I hope your summer goes alright out in eastern long island, it's very nice this time of year.

I want to know what keeps drawing you back to booze, what is your obsession. Obviously booze has different attractions for everyone, what are yours?

Angie247

I will share with you my experience. I tried to do this last year. I went a couple of weeks with having a couple every 4 days and thought I was good. It did not take long, a little over a month and I was right back to where I started when I was drinking heavily. I said only a couple then when I had a couple in me then I wanted more. Alcohol is poison and I still have the urges for it but I can't play with my all around health like that again. I hope you don't drink and that you stay close to SR.

breath

AA is for me, like most anything else in my life; I can't judge all encounters by one encounter, one day may be bad, but that doesn't make all days bad, nor does one relationship make them all bad. Some aspects of AA sit well with me, others I leave alone.
Occasional drinking or moderation, I tried that every day for 30 + years, and gave up the fight; the result has been a freedom and happiness I never imagined.

MelindaFlowers

A few drinks sounds simple enough, it really does. Doesn't it? If this has worked for anyone here, please raise your hand.

The big book say something like "The greatest dream of the alcoholic is to someday drink like a gentleman." (I know I goofed the quote a bit but you get the point).

One thing we all have in common is that we all tried moderating our drinking or cutting back. In fact, I don't think there is a single person in the history of this site that has not tried to drink less and carry on.

It's a very common goal but another thing that's true is that it didn't work for a single person here. Otherwise we wouldn't be here.

Alcohol caused destruction and misery in our lives, in spite of our greatest efforts to control it. Off the top of my head I can think of many moderation plans I've read about here yet I have yet to read one that worked. One was marking off the drinks on a white board with tally marks. Another was placing match sticks on the counter to count drinks. Other people set timers and drank glasses of water between drinks. A really popular one is only buying a certain amount of alcohol like a pint of vodka or one six pack of beer. Only weekends. Only vacations. Only bars. Only at home. Only holidays. Only beer. One night a week, two nights, a week, three nights a week, four nights a week.

I just had a funny memory. For a very short time I tried to wait until 8 pm to drink so I could drink like I wanted - fast. I thought that I could drink long gulps from 8 pm til 10 or 11 pm and I would end up drinking less than if I started at five. I did not work. I stayed up til 2 am to get in my drinks.

I've tried most of those. Well, actually all of them except the matchsticks one.

The problem with me was that a few drinks didn't do anything for me. I found as much joy in three beers as I did in three cans of Pepsi because three drinks didn't get me buzzed. At all. I was always chasing the intoxication.

Delfin

Surrender. I didn't understand what people meant when they said that in relation to recovery until recently. I have seen so much flailing and fighting against the reality of being an alcoholic and the simple but difficult solution to the problem. I have seen it for many years in the mirror. I finally surrendered to the reality of what I am and what I have to do, and I finally have peace in my mind and in my heart.

I just wanted to share my story with you, Ex. Only you know what your reality is and what you need to do about it; I wish you well with whatever that is.

Delfin

DuhDave

Ok exwell66. What do you want from us? Do you want us to condone, you having a few now and then?

...sorry. It's not gonna happen.

You want a pint now and then...it never stops at a pint. You will be buying a fifth one of these days ...soon. I just hope you can remember the posts in this thread...and put that fifth...or Liter back on the shelf and walk out.

You'll get it one day. Soon I hope. We have ALL been there and know where you're heading ! Listen to us.

We're here for you. When you finally reach a point that "Enough is Enough" and YOU want to put a stop to the madness for YOU!...we'll be here for you.

I know. This post sounded a little harsh. It was MEANT to sound harsh ! We're just trying to get your attention and get you to LISTEN !

We know of what we speak.

Best to you.

DD

tomsteve

."In aa they say you are damaged goods and will be like that until you die,,,so meetings for the rest of your life right."

For some reason I'm thinking it was more," in AA I heard a person say...."
It's an opinion. We all have em.

I was damaged goods when I walked into AA. But I will not be that for the rest of my life. Sitting here right now I am now where even close to what I was ten Years ago. I will, however have to keep working on bettering myself the rest of my life.
If I'm going to meetings because I'm damaged goods after ten years I had best do what the big book says and get outside help.
I go to meetings today to carry the message. Not because I'm damaged goods.

tomsteve

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

MIRecovery

For me I had to hit my head into the same wall an awful lot if times before I decided that it hurt everytime. A lot of people have to drink more to drink less. The only problem is a lot of them drink less by dieing.

You are an adult capable of making adult choices but making a choice that you know in your heart to be bad will lead to no where good

doggonecarl

Yeah, so far.

But that's not the kind of drinker you were. This from your first post:

How long do you think you can keep that kind of drinking at bay?

KAD

To me, it sounds like you already know the answers to your questions (you've indicated as much) but you're hoping someone can tell you you're somehow an exception. As Dee asked, why is it so important to you to be able to drink alcohol in any capacity? Why even risk it?

exwell66

I knew posting this was going to be a sensitive issue.I did not post it for any other reason but this is where I am right now period.I posted it here because everybody here can understand in some way where I am coming from.This is life or death in reality,,,,and much more complex than asking a simple question like why this or that as most of you know.Trying to reason my way out of it is almost impossible...I know where it will likely lead..I hope this is a patch I will get thru......I am in no way condoning what I am doing that is insane but reality.I am at that point where I am giving myself the ok for step 1 drinking I know what step 10 is don't want to go there because I will dbe dead at that point....I wont make 50.......Like tomorrow I am talking myself into a pint already...I have a 18 hr day ahead of me Monday...but that's the not stupidity but well you all know...just trying to get thru this,,,,thanks everyone this sucks,,,was doing so well