sleepie

As far a s procrastination, no good here. I have to do things in bursts of activity followed by absolute down time. I've always been this way. It was noted once by a teacher way back in school.

rinky

Hi Sleepy and every one else.

Gosh, I didn't realize it has been so many days since I was on here. I just am so absent minded any more. There hasn't been much going on. I'm not feeling my best lately. I feel like I need some of my albumin infusions but don't want to do anything until I have my MD visit for disability next Tuesday.

I went Sunday to the cemetery where some of my family are buried and prayed as my Step Mother had my Dads ashes buried with His Mom, Dad and Sister. I realized that my Grand Father was my age 51, when he died. He had MS and early Alzhiemers. that's what my Dad just recently died with.

I get frightened thinking about it sometimes wondering if I will develop it, But there is no use to worry about it.. Like most things In life. there is no way to control what will happen. My youngest sister has MS. The rest of us kids so far have never shown any symptoms.

She is 24 and had symptoms several years ago. That is scary too. She isn't taking Dads death to well. My Step Mom is just one year older than I . My baby sister sort of resents her mom in a way for marrying someone so much older that her and having a baby... Bless her heart. She lives with the MS and the fear of the Alzheimers.. it's a lot to think about and I try to say things to her that I think will help but I never can tell if it does or not.

I've been cleaning and getting my husbands house he rented straightened out and he has been keeping up my bills for me in exchange. So far it is going pretty good. I hope they don't take a very long time making their decision about my disability after my doctor appt. If they turn me down I'll probably seek the help of an attorney. I hope I spelled that right.. lol.

I'm still sober by the grace of God and am looking forward to being able to say I've been sober for a year. a few more weeks and I'll be there. I'll for sure post that.. It seems like longer than that.

I hope all is well with all of you and I apologize that it has been so long since I checked in. Time gets away from me so fast. It seems like there was something else I wanted to share with y'all but I can't think what right now. I'll post again when it comes to me.

Let me hear from y'all and how you are doing.. I'd love to read about it.

I will definitely check in later on.... Peace till then...

rinky

Hey y'all.

I let time get away from me again. I went to the MD apt I had today for my disability. Hopefully it wont take em forever to give me a decision. If they turn me down I'll just go ahead and get a lawyer.

I've heard they turn you down twice and then approve it. and that it takes about two years. I hope all of you are doing well. It has rained here again till we are all about to lose it.

I don't really have any other news to talk about. I'll definitely post when my anniversary rolls around for my sobriety. It has been almost a whole year... WooHoo..

Oh well, if I don't post again till then... I definitely will on that day... Peace!

sleepie

Hi rinky, thanks for the update. I am so sorry to hear of all you have been dealing with. I hope that your disability will be quickly decided for the best as well. You sound to be in good spirits. I will love to hear all about your one year anniversary! Please keep us updated

rinky

Hey Sleepy and every one.

Well, It has been a year ago this week.. Friday.. that I had my last bourbon.!

I have to say first of all that I am so very thankful to God for dragging me back from the brink of drinking myself to death..

The last morning I was drinking, which then there was never a time I wasn't drinking unless I was in the hospital which I was frequently... I had to call an ambulance for about the sixth time because I had developed a rectal bleed.

This was the second time in a month that I had a bleed. the first one was esophageal. Any way.. I had to have another emergency surgery some where in my bowels. They went in though my throat and banded the bleed.

That was the last day I drank. I have to say it has been a long year in a lot of ways but it has also been a learning year, a year of acceptance, a year of thankfulness, a year of morning. Morning the time I had wasted, the things I can't remember that I did that hurt my family by scaring them with the condition my health was in.

It has taken every bit of the past year and still have a long ways to go to learn to accept the lost time and the regrets of ruining my health and looks...

I used to be a pretty good looking woman... Now because of carrying so much fluid for so long and then losing it along with all my muscles I look twice as old as I should. I have damaged my legs with the swelling beyond their ability to heal any more.

I have grown my hair back and it doesn't break off no where near as bad and I do not have ridges in my nails any more.

It was very hard to turn 50 and 51. I so do wish I could have the last 5 years to do over but that will never be... I'm thankful I have been able to get past the bitter regret a lot although I still struggle with it..

I still haven't been able to get my teeth repaired that was knocked out when I fell so that's another thing that takes away from my looks..

I have what's left of my health and so much has gotten so much better. I haven't craved drinking all that much like some who know me thought I would.. I haven't missed anything about it except the way it allowed me to avoid dealing with painful things.

It is far better to face them head on and deal with it than to avoid it.. I wouldn't be around for any future grand children, and I wouldn't be here for my children if they needed me but the worst thing about if I had died that way is leaving my kids in that way.

I'm so thankful every single day that I did not leave my kids with that burden and memory.... so very thankful.

My kids no longer try to sneak and look around to see if I've hidden any drink or smell of my cup when they are here.... I'm so thankful for all of these things.

My prayer and hope today and every day is that I stay sober and that others who suffer every day with this or other addictions will get free of it and be able to truly start living...

No.... Life isn't necessarily exciting every day... In fact it is mostly repetitive and predictable most of the time, but in that there is always beauty to experience, people to enjoy, something moving to listen to, something to pause at and think about.... so..... Im very thankful to be able to do all this with a clear head and heart.

I hope every one has a great day... I love all of you and thanks for the support.... Peace! till later...

Opivotal

Congratulations Rinky!

I love this!

Thank you for your amazing post!

Have a wonderful day, sending you love and big hugs.

Soberwolf

Fantastic, major congrats Rinky on your year sober

sleepie

Way to go Rinky!
You really took charge and stopped it all.
(belated) congrats on a year

relena

Congratulations on 1 year!

2ndhandrose

one year!!! this is fantastic, rinky!!

rinky

Thanks All you guys,

I hope every one had a good Thanks Giving. Lordy, and now it's time to get ready for Christmas. I'm not much of a holiday person since adulthood. I usually think holidays just mess up every thing.. Like the mail and stuff.. What is funny is that I hardly ever get anything in the mail but junk and bills.

Sorry it's been so long since I've been here. I get busy and don't even get online for days and days. You guys are the greatest. It really perked up my day to see all the good posts about my year of sobriety. I'm still basking in the accomplishment and use the thought of it to pick my mood up when I'm feeling not all that...

I have choir practice tonight and they have a church supper on weds so at least I wont have to cook dinner.. I love being in the choir but this time of the year we have to practice extra to get ready for the Christmas songs and specials... It's hard for me to sit any where that long. I hate the fact that it gets dark so dang early.. I have seasonal affective disorder and it's really rearing it's ugly head lately.

I've started having those awful dreams again. It's the pills this time.. I've dreamed 3 nights in a row now about taking them or looking for some to buy and about my ex husband. I can't for the life of me figure out where this comes from. I don't spend time thinking about it. It seems to come out of no where.

There isn't really anything new going on to get me agitated or any thing.. I just think it's weird that they are so vivid and precise. Other than that I've been dreaming a lot about my family that have passed away but I understand those because I'm always thinking about them and missing them.. come to think of it , It is probably because the holidays cause me to think about them and miss them more and that probably causes me to want to numb those feelings...

Ha... Well thanks guys... sometimes that's all it takes is just to write it down and put it out there for the answer to pop right out there... That's awesome. I can tell that is exactly why I've been having those dreams. I wish all my problems could be figured out that easily...

I hope all of you are well and having good holidays.. I'll check back soon and thanks again for all the way to go's and the congrats.... Peace!

Stubbs16

Huge congrats on a year! And for sharing your story, journey. Blessings to you.

Dee74

Sorry I missed it rinky but congratulations

D

rinky

Hello fellow addicts/alcoholics ect... Isn't that awful?

I'm saying hello that way because sometimes I feel just like that.. I don't know how to explain it but I'll try..

When everyone in town and then some knows about my past drinking problem and how sick I got. Every time I bump into some one the know and I always feel like they are trying to tell if I'm well or still drinking or what..

I just want to say sometimes to people who ever they are.. I want to ask.. so what is your addiction/coping mechanism? Shopping, eating, cleaning, counting, what is it... there is always something,,, smoking, what... What Defines You.... ?

I have a hard time not letting my past and my disease define me... And so do the people that know me.. I don't know where this is coming from I just know today it's bothering me... I can just hear them saying.. oh you know that girl that was always going to the hospital cause of drinking... or what ever....

Some times I just would like to be able to afford to move somewhere that no one knows me or anything about me at all... But then it wouldn't take long for me to get home sick and lonesome even though I don't spend a lot of time with any one really.. Just my church family and that's just a couple times a week..

I know y'all probably feel like this sometimes too.... I just figured I'd throw mine out here... This is the best place I know to be able to vent when I need to... I'm still sober thanks be to God.... and I'm still doing well at the clinic with my methadone... That's another thing I really hate... But it was either that or go into the poor house addicted and looking for pain pills on the street... so... At least I don't have to worry about finding any or getting busted or sick from withdrawing...

One of these days I'll be rid of that too... I pray it wont be too much longer.. I don't want to move too fast with it and make my depression worse and risk starting to drink.. I don't feel strong enough in my sobriety to start the weaning process from the methadone... that is one hard drug to get off of.. but atleast it is a supervised process...

Oh well that's my complaints and thoughts for the day... I hope every one is doing well..... Later Darlings..

Dee74

I dunno rinky - I found people had pretty short memories really. I wasn't really that important a topic LOL

Are these people really judging you, or are you just afraid they do?

D

FormerWineGirl

Rinky, I live in a small town where everyone (thinks) they know everyone else's business. I have found that a person is only in the spotlight until the next story comes along. Busybodies have very short attention spans

sleepie

Hey Rink how are you today?

Usually if someone is busy trying to figure someone else out in that way where it is not out of caring- their life is sadly lacking in some way. They need to take a look at their own life and basically mind their own business. Garden variety busy bodies. Just treat 'em like the weeds they are and root 'em right outta your life. You have living to do and who has time for any of that?

As far as the other thing you mentioned, well I have a number of anxiety disorders, since I was a kid, compounded by a number of things- abusive upbringing and neurological disorder. So it's difficult to suss out whether I'm an addict or a person who self medicates anxiety in some way. Either way it's all semantics for me. It doesn't define me, I am pretty sure it's all just a reaction to my experiences.

As the saying goes, you just "Do you"... Just be Rinky, the rest will surely fall into place- you've beat addiction and you're here to tell about it.

sleepie

bump

Dee74

Happy Holidays to you Rinky, wherever you are out there

D

sleepie

Hope your holiday went well Rinky.

How have you been?