sod it
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
sod it
i feel upset right now
tomorow would have been my step dads birthday( he killed himself 4 years ago ) and its my nieces 14 th birthday
other things are going on as well
last night i went to a meeting and i was 3 hours early as i read the wrong thing so i came home and didnt go to the meeting
it was to be my first for a long time
am going to go to a meeting tonight
My husband has to wait nearby in a coffee shop for an hour
because am not safe enough tonight to go on my own
and he will not go into the meetings with me
Right now i feel like cutting , drinking and drugs
I hate having feels i want to be a robot sometimes
The only thing holding me back is that there is no razors here or drugs or drink because my husband dont allow them in the house for my safety
but i feel angry at my husband he dont seem to understand i need to do this
am 5 months and 9 days clean
**** i dont care anymore
tomorow would have been my step dads birthday( he killed himself 4 years ago ) and its my nieces 14 th birthday
other things are going on as well
last night i went to a meeting and i was 3 hours early as i read the wrong thing so i came home and didnt go to the meeting
it was to be my first for a long time
am going to go to a meeting tonight
My husband has to wait nearby in a coffee shop for an hour
because am not safe enough tonight to go on my own
and he will not go into the meetings with me
Right now i feel like cutting , drinking and drugs
I hate having feels i want to be a robot sometimes
The only thing holding me back is that there is no razors here or drugs or drink because my husband dont allow them in the house for my safety
but i feel angry at my husband he dont seem to understand i need to do this
am 5 months and 9 days clean
**** i dont care anymore
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 25
Don't quit now! You are doing so well and I only wish I was up to 5 months clean. I know those feelings of helplessness and quitting and going back to what was comfy and routine...but remember what is a quick fix for the moment will almost always be your regret tomorrow. Pls keep reaching out...posting. I'm here for u. I'm new to sobriety but I know those old feelings. Much love!!
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
My cousin took his life less than a month ago i understand your hurting i also stopped self harming over ten years ago and my advice is none of it will be made any better by drinking cutting or drugs i honor my fallen by staying sober i might get upset sometimes but that is expected im also starting to deal with deep rooted stuff in therapy now im 2 years 16 days sober and i havnt touched coke in over 3 years
were here for you
were here for you
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by queerasfolk 
**** i dont care anymore
None of the things that you listed will be helped by drinking or cutting. All that will do is take you right back to where you were back when you started this journey - is that what you really want?
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry for your pain.
You have a husband that keeps the house safe for you, waits for you while you are in a meeting. A lot of people here would love that kind of support.
Don't do something that you know will hurt you and hurt him and cause you to feel more regret than you already feel.
You have a husband that keeps the house safe for you, waits for you while you are in a meeting. A lot of people here would love that kind of support.
Don't do something that you know will hurt you and hurt him and cause you to feel more regret than you already feel.
QueerasfolkAdministrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
Queerasfolk, I think you do care and I know you can get through this.
You have over 5 months clean and that's great, and don't blame your husband because he doesn't understand your addiction.
You have over 5 months clean and that's great, and don't blame your husband because he doesn't understand your addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,358
This will pass if you allow it to pass, Queerasfolk. It sometimes helps to do something that will "shock" the system, when one feels like cutting. Take a cold shower, hold ice cubes. The body chemicals will change and the need for self harm will lessen. Try it.
Re-Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,909
Taking a drink or other drug or injuring yourself will only compound the hurt in the end. You know this deep inside--it's why you stopped doing that stuff and why you're here. I'm sorry you're hurting today and hope you'll ride this out until that meeting starts. You're in my thoughts and prayers...
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
Thank you all for replying to my post
i went to the meeting it helped
i never delt with my step dad death am getting therapy soon for that and other things
Sober wolf am so sorry for your loss
sorry i have no more words right now
i went to the meeting it helped
i never delt with my step dad death am getting therapy soon for that and other things
Sober wolf am so sorry for your loss
sorry i have no more words right now
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Glad you are okay. Cutting or drinking were the things I did so I wouldn't have to feel my feelings. I still struggle with them. Now I just cry instead of doing those things. I'm trying to learn to just let them be--as awful as they feel, they will pass and they can't hurt me. Unless I let them.
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
I Just got a phone call am going to see a therapist soon next Wednesday at 9 am
av been worrying about things I have OCD and other mental health problems
so having a therapist might help as well as the AA meetings
am going to an AA meeting on my own traveling on my own there and back
my husband is trusting me a lot to do this as in the past i have gone places where i would be unsafe like the train station etc
i feel ill be ok going to the meetings
av been worrying about things I have OCD and other mental health problems
so having a therapist might help as well as the AA meetings
am going to an AA meeting on my own traveling on my own there and back
my husband is trusting me a lot to do this as in the past i have gone places where i would be unsafe like the train station etc
i feel ill be ok going to the meetings
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by queerasfolk
i feel upset right now
tomorow would have been my step dads birthday( he killed himself 4 years ago ) and its my nieces 14 th birthday
other things are going on as well
last night i went to a meeting and i was 3 hours early as i read the wrong thing so i came home and didnt go to the meeting
it was to be my first for a long time
am going to go to a meeting tonight
My husband has to wait nearby in a coffee shop for an hour
because am not safe enough tonight to go on my own
and he will not go into the meetings with me
Right now i feel like cutting , drinking and drugs
I hate having feels i want to be a robot sometimes
The only thing holding me back is that there is no razors here or drugs or drink because my husband dont allow them in the house for my safety
but i feel angry at my husband he dont seem to understand i need to do this
am 5 months and 9 days clean
**** i dont care anymore
tomorow would have been my step dads birthday( he killed himself 4 years ago ) and its my nieces 14 th birthday
other things are going on as well
last night i went to a meeting and i was 3 hours early as i read the wrong thing so i came home and didnt go to the meeting
it was to be my first for a long time
am going to go to a meeting tonight
My husband has to wait nearby in a coffee shop for an hour
because am not safe enough tonight to go on my own
and he will not go into the meetings with me
Right now i feel like cutting , drinking and drugs
I hate having feels i want to be a robot sometimes
The only thing holding me back is that there is no razors here or drugs or drink because my husband dont allow them in the house for my safety
but i feel angry at my husband he dont seem to understand i need to do this
am 5 months and 9 days clean
**** i dont care anymore
I'm sorry you are being tormented right now.
I don't mean to pretend to know what you are going through...I'm sorry if I came across harsh. But it sounds like he loves you and what a support system you have! He sounds like a great one.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Great job for getting to a meeting. I know the frustration of feeling like a loved one doesn't understand even if they are showing they care in other ways. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. As others have said, and you know, hurting yourself by cutting, drugging or drinking will only make it worse. We are all here for you and we understand.
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
Didnt end up going to the meeting because i told my husband i was feeling bad
voices and thought telling me to kill myself
i broke down and today was my step dad birthday
he jumped from a bridge that in the main part of the city i have to pass that bridge everytime i want to go some where am reminded of his death and his loss
i am my husband says he will sort something out with the meetings
he can take me to two a week as its £2 for a tea each time £1 for the meeting he said he could read a book while he is waiting
Sorry if i seem like am not grateful for my husband i love my husband so much without him id be dead by now
He has been with me for 10 years married 8 years and he seen me at my worse when i was very ill i am scared to loose him
He is my life
He trying to keep me safe and alive and i pray that he will always be here with me
Tonight am taking my medication to help calm me down as there are other things about today that is upsetting for me
This is a bad time of year for me and my family
voices and thought telling me to kill myself
i broke down and today was my step dad birthday
he jumped from a bridge that in the main part of the city i have to pass that bridge everytime i want to go some where am reminded of his death and his loss
i am my husband says he will sort something out with the meetings
he can take me to two a week as its £2 for a tea each time £1 for the meeting he said he could read a book while he is waiting
Sorry if i seem like am not grateful for my husband i love my husband so much without him id be dead by now
He has been with me for 10 years married 8 years and he seen me at my worse when i was very ill i am scared to loose him
He is my life
He trying to keep me safe and alive and i pray that he will always be here with me
Tonight am taking my medication to help calm me down as there are other things about today that is upsetting for me
This is a bad time of year for me and my family
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by soberwolf
My cousin took his life less than a month ago i understand your hurting i also stopped self harming over ten years ago and my advice is none of it will be made any better by drinking cutting or drugs i honor my fallen by staying sober i might get upset sometimes but that is expected im also starting to deal with deep rooted stuff in therapy now im 2 years 16 days sober and i havnt touched coke in over 3 years
were here for you
were here for you
Good words for Op
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
thank you
been up since 6 am just posting and hanging out on here
i woke my husband to get my medication ( my husband went to bed at 4 am its was 11 am when i asked him for them i cant get them myself as there in a locked box and only my husband has the keys ( i have OD'd on my meds before ) i got them and he put the key back where i cant get it i feel like am too controlled at the moment meaning i cant make mistakes i dont have money so am not a normal person my husband keeps the money so i don't buy anything i shouldn't . ( blades , pills , drink )
i know my husband scared that i might hurt myself in some way
i love him and i understand why he wants to make me safe
i just think he don't trust me with looking after myself
been up since 6 am just posting and hanging out on here
i woke my husband to get my medication ( my husband went to bed at 4 am its was 11 am when i asked him for them i cant get them myself as there in a locked box and only my husband has the keys ( i have OD'd on my meds before ) i got them and he put the key back where i cant get it i feel like am too controlled at the moment meaning i cant make mistakes i dont have money so am not a normal person my husband keeps the money so i don't buy anything i shouldn't . ( blades , pills , drink )
i know my husband scared that i might hurt myself in some way
i love him and i understand why he wants to make me safe
i just think he don't trust me with looking after myself
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