Forgiving ourselves
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
The past cannot be changed. If I use my past as a learning experience and stop doing the things which are harmful to me, then they have served a useful purpose. I can change my behavior going forward, and that gives me peace of mind, a clear conscience, and a happier life. No one is perfect and we all make a lot of mistakes. It's part of growing and growing up.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
aka Nesty
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northern Vt.
Posts: 1,554
This is a very difficult question Mary . You may see this said a lot hear , but in different ways . I Got Sick & Tired Of Being Sick & Tired Of Feeling Sorry 4 Myself . No matter what you can't change what you did , or what others did to you you have to look at it for what it is .. and move on . You will heal in time , that time will go faster if you live in the Now 
Last edited by NestWasEmpty; 07-29-2015 at 11:04 AM. Reason: had to add more !
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Deep South
Posts: 12
What a beautiful and poignant question, Mary. I truly wish I had the recipe for you because I also struggle with the pain of the past. There's a lot of regret there. Some of the pain is for what happened, some for what might have been. Some is shame, self-loathing, frustration. I didn't want it to be that way and I don't want it to be that way. Whether or not it IS that way makes no difference to the emotional turmoil that regret causes.
But, I will not drink today because of it.
I respect every approach to solving alcoholism that works.
In AA they often mention "We do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.". Well, I DO regret the past and would love to shut the door on it LOL!
In other methods they claim a "serenity prayer approach": you can't change it so it accept it. I can say the words, but my emotional setup today isn't one that allows that.
Some take a realistic approach: use the past to make the future better. This one makes perfect sense to my rational brain, but my rational brain doesn't always rule the roost as evidenced by my past (hence, the regrets LOL!).
A good friend asked if I believed in God, which I do (but do not understand in the slightest). He asked if I thought HE forgave me. And I do. Then my friend asked why I couldn't do the same? Simple answer: I'm not God. I don't understand Him and how He can do it.
Mary, I haven't discovered how to discard the bag of rocks I carry, but I have discovered a way to stop adding to it -- and that seems to help LOADS. Here's what I do:
In my 15-30 minutes in the morning, I have a cup of coffee and I "center" myself. No deep meditation, I just focus on 5 things I can see, then 4 things I can hear, 3 things I can touch, 2 things I can smell, 1 thing I can taste. Seems simple, but it is very grounding, very real.
Then I pull out my "To Do List". I think of yesterday and if there's ANYTHING I regret about yesterday, and that goes on the top to fix. Then I write the "HAVE TO'S" and then the "WANT TO'S".
Finally, I check my health and offer up my gratitude. I didn't drink yesterday, so far I didn't drink today -- so that makes me functional to do what I can from this list. For that I really am grateful from inside.
And, although I'm really not a "Bible thumper" type... for each thing on the list, as I begin, I ask "Is this what YOU want me to be doing?" I'm here to say, I seldom get an answer LOL -- but every so often I get a tug to do something else. Sometimes on the list, sometimes not.
Over time, some of those rocks in the bag seem to be removing themselves. I'm not sure I'll live long enough for them all to, but today's load is the same or less than yesterday.
I do hope that helps you in some way.
But, I will not drink today because of it.
I respect every approach to solving alcoholism that works.
In AA they often mention "We do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.". Well, I DO regret the past and would love to shut the door on it LOL!
In other methods they claim a "serenity prayer approach": you can't change it so it accept it. I can say the words, but my emotional setup today isn't one that allows that.
Some take a realistic approach: use the past to make the future better. This one makes perfect sense to my rational brain, but my rational brain doesn't always rule the roost as evidenced by my past (hence, the regrets LOL!).
A good friend asked if I believed in God, which I do (but do not understand in the slightest). He asked if I thought HE forgave me. And I do. Then my friend asked why I couldn't do the same? Simple answer: I'm not God. I don't understand Him and how He can do it.
Mary, I haven't discovered how to discard the bag of rocks I carry, but I have discovered a way to stop adding to it -- and that seems to help LOADS. Here's what I do:
In my 15-30 minutes in the morning, I have a cup of coffee and I "center" myself. No deep meditation, I just focus on 5 things I can see, then 4 things I can hear, 3 things I can touch, 2 things I can smell, 1 thing I can taste. Seems simple, but it is very grounding, very real.
Then I pull out my "To Do List". I think of yesterday and if there's ANYTHING I regret about yesterday, and that goes on the top to fix. Then I write the "HAVE TO'S" and then the "WANT TO'S".
Finally, I check my health and offer up my gratitude. I didn't drink yesterday, so far I didn't drink today -- so that makes me functional to do what I can from this list. For that I really am grateful from inside.
And, although I'm really not a "Bible thumper" type... for each thing on the list, as I begin, I ask "Is this what YOU want me to be doing?" I'm here to say, I seldom get an answer LOL -- but every so often I get a tug to do something else. Sometimes on the list, sometimes not.
Over time, some of those rocks in the bag seem to be removing themselves. I'm not sure I'll live long enough for them all to, but today's load is the same or less than yesterday.
I do hope that helps you in some way.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Mary, I had a lot of trouble with forgiving myself and it was something I really struggled with. I found that journaling helped, even though it wasn't something I wanted to do. When the negative thoughts about myself would pop up, I would stop and write them out and it really helped to get them out of my head.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 397
I've been journaling now for a few months. Itdefinitely helps. It also helps to talk about your struggles, and get a different perspective. Sometimes we have to get past our defenses and open up about those deep dark secrets I thought I would take to the grave. Still learning to do this.
It's a process, there's no quick fix unfortunately. My quick fix was alcohol, and that never solved a thing.
It's a process, there's no quick fix unfortunately. My quick fix was alcohol, and that never solved a thing.
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