notgonnastoptry

As I was scrolling through the forum tonight, I saw a number of threads that referenced anxiety about the future or regret about the past. I have both of these: I try to envision never drinking again. Right now, it doesn't scare me and I would turn it away. I came really close and it honestly scared the life out of me. But, I think about holidays, social gatherings, dinner with friends-where in past dinners, I was always equipped with a pint in my purse so I didn't appear to be a drunk.

That doesn't bother me as much as looking back does. All the fighting I've cause, the disappointment from family members, the hell I put them through, even when they didn't know I was drunk. They just thought I was mean and bitter. My family is a safe space and they have forgiven me, but I get embarrassed when I think of the various ways I made a big fool of myself in the past. I'm talking getting blithering drunk at people's houses, despite the fact that I only drank, in front of them, a wine and a beer. I was busy drinking in the bathroom from my purse. Sometimes, If I felt the coast was clear, I would chug from their collection. I'm so embarrassed even writing that that I have to add the caveat that that only happened 2x. Still more than zero is embarrassing. I was always jealous of people who could keep a full bar around. the amount of times I left places stumbling, my husband was beet-faced with embarrassment.

I have to learn to put the future and past, with regards to drinking, behind. It's so hard, though. I was really glad to hear that we should concentrate on living in the moment. I'm really trying to do this.

Any stories to share?

notgonnastoptry

I guess I have to ask, the past and these acts of idiocy really grate on me. Do you think they obsess over it and wonder about it as much as I do? I shouldn't think about it and I shouldn't care what people think. I just want to prove to people that I'm not like that now, but I think for a few people, they would rather not see us again because of the awkwardness I caused.

Dee74

Ho notgonnastoptry

I did all of that and more.

I learned pretty early tho that I can;t change a second of the past no matter how hard I try...it's lost to me.

I learned I was better taking the effort I was putting into regret guilt and shame and channelling that effort into what I do with my today.

I made my life a kind of living amends.

I try each day to do my best - sometimes I fall a little short but I try

Pretty soon the past didn't matter as much to me anymore and today became a lot more important

If I can do it, you can too.

D

MIRecovery

What gives me relief is knowing I'm not that person anymore. It is chapter of my life that is over

RDBplus3

Hello notgonna,

I heard a Speaker Message (from one of my many Web Searches for Recovery Speakers)
Now that we have been SET FREE from our past thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors ...

Our past can be likened to 'Guerilla Training' for our NEW lives. As the New Adventure of every day unfolds, we are uniquely equipped to recognize the traps that caustic and enticing situations bring, and we can easily maneuver ourselves to see them but not be caught up in them ... when we see someone that is struggling, we intuitively know how to throw a lifeline, or jump in and keep them from drowning without letting them drag us under, or intuitively know when a situation may be best to let unfold on its own for God to work His plan in them ... when a harm we have done from the past enters our arena, we pray for guidance, and do the Right thing, whatever that may be ... always knowing we have the Creator of the Universe as our Counselor, and our Program of Sobriety and Spiritual Growth as our Guide ... It is a WONDERFUL Way of Life ... Being FREE ... and Geurilla Trained.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I didn't get here, or stay here, on my own

Soberwolf

Exactly what D said

zjw

this was a foreign concept to me this living in the moment stuff untill well over a year of sobriety. Up untill that point all i new how to do was surrender / give up. I got tired of having my head in the past worried about the future etc.. I got so sick of it and I couldnt shake it either. I'd finally give up and surrender and think whatever will be will be.

That helped. But when I learned how about living int he moment and what that meant it took this to a new level.

For me I've had to learn how to surrender to the things i cannot tackle or contol, how to accept things as they are and how to live in the moment and enjoy it. I had to leave the past in the past its done its over with. and I had to quit concerning myself with the future that hasnt happened yet. Unless i'm Phsycic or God Almighty I have 0 idea what the future holds so why even concern myself with it. I could get hit by a bus or when the lotto what does it matter?

zjw

you may like the power of now by eckhart tolle or awareness by anthony de mello. there are many other good books out there as well that can help.

Fly N Buy

My wife just came back from visiting my daughter who had a baby. Wife stayed with her and fam for 6 weeks. I could have done anything I cared to do with little accountability, except to myself. I will confess to eating too much pizza and not being as clean around the cave as she'd otherwise like. But, otherwise no issues.

My wife came home a few days back and we've been getting back into flow of morning coffee together etc.

I sort of watched her when she got back initially. Would she be poking around, seeing if I behaved??? Would the old search for bottles et al surreptitiously begin? After all, I only been sober for 13 months........

None of that, Not a question, not a suspicion not a sideways glance. Zero, nada - zilch. It struck me..... She trusts me, again.

Slowly the regreat of the past is dimmed out by the sunlight of today and the hope of tomorrow.

It just takes time and change.

Thanks for thread - that's my story