brice050505

Hi, I have a little over 10 years clean. I am currently going through a possible divorce and am fighting for my life right now I have been going to a ton of meeting, talking daily to my sponsor, step work, everything I am told to do. But this pain is too great and all I can think about is using again after all this time. I have 2 kids who have never seen their father loaded. But not even they are enough right now. Need to hear from people about how they stayed clean through this. I really don't think I'm gonna make it

CaseyW

Welcome to SR, brice050505. I'm on day 81 so no real advice for you except to think that first drink/other drug through to its worst possible consequences. I'm sure in your 10 years clean you've seen and heard many others who have gone back out and then come back to testify it doesn't get any better out there. I'm sorry you are in pain, but you know the drink/other drug is not going to make things any easier and could very well make them much, much worse.

Congrats on 10 years. That's amazing. I hope you'll stick around. There's a ton of great wisdom and support to be found here, and I hope you'll become a regular participant.

Live2FAD

Welcome Brice - I'm very glad you are here. Please come and post often. This is a great group of folks (I've been lurking quite a while LOL).

I understand right where you are. I had "logged" several years of sobriety in a popular program -- with a sponsor -- and then my youngest son became extremely sick. It was touch and go for almost a year. I capitulated... I "thought" I just couldn't stand the pain.

It took me 7 years to get back and I almost never did. During those years, my children didn't see me sober much... and I sincerely regret it.

I wish I had some healing platitude to give you, but all I can offer is someone who has seen the Gates of Hell too. Please don't give up your sobriety to go with it. You are welcome to PM me anytime. With your years, I'd love to hear more from you too.

Dee74

Hi brice - I'm really sorry for your pain.

the thing you absolutely need to remember is drinking will not take away your pain - drinking will actually make your pain worse because drinking stops growth ...

you'll never get through the pain to the other side and you'll always have a red raw wound that needs the application of more and more alcohol..

Don't go for the short term 'fix' brice.

esinger

An impending divorce is what made me realize that I had to get sober. I was going to actually figure out how to live with out someone covering for me.
The type of struggle your going through is tough enough sober. Imagine how much of a mess it'll be if you are inebriated and don't have your wits about you.
Kids have a tough enough time with these things. Do them and yourself a favor and fight through it. Self medicating your way through this would be selfish and ultimately very destructive to yourself and your family.
Hang in there, you found the strength to stay clean 10 years you can dig a little deeper and find some more.

Good Luck!

Deckard

Brice, I don't think this

is true, because you also say this:

The latter is your true voice and the former is the AV.

I find it incredibly helpful to distinguish between my true voice and the AV.

In your case the above might be better stated: "all my AV can think about is using again."

For me that recognition -- the AV is not me, and it is lying -- is a key help to staying sober.

Soberwolf

Welcome Brice its nice to meet you congrats on 10 years clean that is amazing

Stay close to SR its a fantastic community

Dharma33

Brice, congratulations on 10 clean years. That is truly admirable.

All I can think to say is....don't use, don't pick up- no matter what. You already know where it leads.

SR is a great place for support; stay close, we will be here! Wishing you all of the best.

Anna

Hi Brice,

I'm sorry for your pain over the possible divorce. I agree with Dee's comment that you should not go for the short term fix. You know that alcohol makes everything worse for us. Congratulations on 10 years of recovery.

NestWasEmpty

I know the pain of Divorce Brice , very well All I can give you for advice is picking up again , will only make things worse ... You want to keep your head straight , you want to be able to make the right choices . This won't help with the custody part . You have to stay strong for the kids no matter what
Do whatever it takes , with 10 years of sobriety . Look back to what you used for tools . Try to remember what helped .
Just keep posting others will help here !!

Meraviglioso

Brice, your post reminds newbies like myself that we can never stop fighting this horrible disease. You are going through an awful time right now. Drinking or drugging seems like the easy way out but it is far from it, it will only make things worse. You have 10 years of experience to work with. I don't mean to deny the power of the AV, no matter how long we go it is still there, but you do have experience to draw from. Hang with us. Keep coming here. Drinking will only make this worse, you know that, I know that, we all know that. There are chat rooms here and online meetings, you can post anytime or message anyone you connect with. Whatever you do, don't drink or use. Please Brice, stay with us. You can do this. For you. For your child(ten).

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Brice!!

brice050505

Thanks for the replies everybody. I am still holding on. Have been around a person in recovery from the time I get up until the time I got to bed. This is crazy. After 10 years how strong this disease still is.