New here and desperate
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Bakersfield
Posts: 16
New here and desperate
Hello everyone, found this place & thought it may be good to vent a little & talk to people who have dealt with with this horrible disease of alcoholism. I started struggling with depression in my early 20's and unfortunately turned to the bottle to 'cope'. At first I just told myself, so maybe I drink too much, but it's not effecting my daily life, who cares if I just get drunk at home and go to sleep. However it began getting harder and harder to rationalize the more I started to realize that it actually WAS starting to effect my daily life. Being too hungover to attend my college classes and dropping out, pushing away friends and family members b/c of my erratic drunken behaviors, feeling horrible shame & guilt over my actions while drunk. I kept off and on like that for about 8 years, until last year I was diagnosed with cancer & basically had no choice but to quit. For nearly 9 months I underwent chemo & was sober for the longest period of my adult life. I've been cancer free since October of 2014, and since then got a job that I really love and things finally seemed to be turning around for me. However I quickly found myself feeling overwhelmed & my depression creeping back on me which inevitably lead back to the bottle a few months ago. And I can honestly say I feel like it's now worse than ever. I've been day drinking, sneaking drinks at work, driving, I know it's just a matter of time before something horrible happens, or I'll lose my job or who knows...but it's like something in me just clicks and I lose all rational thought & control. I'll be in a drunken haze for 2 or 3 days, then spend that long in recovery/hungover mode, beating myself up & hating myself for knowing how stupid I've been. I went to see a doctor for my depression & have been seeing a psychologist too for a bout a month now, I was on Lexapro but that stopped helping. I've had to go through almost drastic measures of leaving all money & debit cards to my husband, and even having him drive me to and from work so I wouldn't be able to leave & go to a liquor store. I just feel so lost right now & as if I'm suffering some kind of mental breakdown & the alcohol of course is just making it all worse. I've been thinking about trying to get myself into a detox program, I wish that I could go somewhere for long term inpatient rehab but I'm too afraid and ashamed to tell my boss about my problem. I know without a doubt I need help and can't keep living like this...anyway, just wanted to kind of get stuff off my chest & maybe find a shoulder to lean on. Thanks everyone for listening
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Natalie!! 
I went round and round in circles for a long time, drink then hangover, a period of Sobriety beating myself up and then when I'd quickly forget how bad alcohol was affecting my life head back to drinking, and repeat over and over!!
The cycle can be broken though, but I first needed to accept that alcohol was doing me no good, it was only causing me misery and needed to be off the table on a permanent basis, you have a husband, a job that you love, and have come through the challenge of cancer, you have everything to live for, don't let alcohol take all that away.
In many ways I admire your radical steps to stop drinking, leaving the debit card at home tactic was something I did for months, just to build up some Sober time, and then things do get better and easier as the benefits of Sobriety start to kick in, but that's what we need to do, force the issue in the beginning just to remain Sober at all costs, and that can be a foundation for focusing on ourselves or other things in our lives.
You can do this, and you'll find loads of support here on SR to make Sobriety happen!!
I went round and round in circles for a long time, drink then hangover, a period of Sobriety beating myself up and then when I'd quickly forget how bad alcohol was affecting my life head back to drinking, and repeat over and over!!
The cycle can be broken though, but I first needed to accept that alcohol was doing me no good, it was only causing me misery and needed to be off the table on a permanent basis, you have a husband, a job that you love, and have come through the challenge of cancer, you have everything to live for, don't let alcohol take all that away.
In many ways I admire your radical steps to stop drinking, leaving the debit card at home tactic was something I did for months, just to build up some Sober time, and then things do get better and easier as the benefits of Sobriety start to kick in, but that's what we need to do, force the issue in the beginning just to remain Sober at all costs, and that can be a foundation for focusing on ourselves or other things in our lives.
You can do this, and you'll find loads of support here on SR to make Sobriety happen!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
Welcome to SR. It's a great place for support.
I know the depression all too well. But instead of taking meds that I didn't like the side effects from, I'm trying a healthy lifestyle approach. I finally figured out part of my depression is from hormonal imbalances and lack of essential vitamins. I'm only on day 3 sober, but feelings better already with my new diet.
There are a lot of great people here with way better advise. Just wanted to say hello and you're not alone. Hang in there! I'm sure someone better than me will post shortly ☺️
I know the depression all too well. But instead of taking meds that I didn't like the side effects from, I'm trying a healthy lifestyle approach. I finally figured out part of my depression is from hormonal imbalances and lack of essential vitamins. I'm only on day 3 sober, but feelings better already with my new diet.
There are a lot of great people here with way better advise. Just wanted to say hello and you're not alone. Hang in there! I'm sure someone better than me will post shortly ☺️
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: NY
Posts: 27
Hi Natalie! Depression and anxiety are at the root of my drinking, too, and I'm sure a lot of people here can relate. If you're seeing a psychologist, can you be honest with the difficulty you're having with your drinking? Can you tell them you **need** to get some serious, probably inpatient, help?
Obviously I don't know your boss, but it sounds like you must be an excellent employee if you're making a go of it amidst such turmoil. Either your boss will be accepting or not, but YOUR health, mental and physical, must come first!
Sending alllll the love to you.
xoxox
Obviously I don't know your boss, but it sounds like you must be an excellent employee if you're making a go of it amidst such turmoil. Either your boss will be accepting or not, but YOUR health, mental and physical, must come first!
Sending alllll the love to you.
xoxox
Last edited by Margaux1969; 07-22-2015 at 12:10 PM. Reason: misspelling
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
Hi Natalie. I have been binge-drinking for 15 years and know that shame and guilt only too well. Drinking to mask or dampen depression, anxiety, boredom, excitement, you name it...any heightened emotion. I found this site a few days ago and for the first time in a very long time I have hope. It is so great to have support and camaraderie. There is a 'class of July, 2015' thread where those of us who are new to abstinence (again), and who want to make this time 'the' time are hanging out. Come join us :-)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: midwest
Posts: 484
Hi Natalie,
I am sorry to hear about what your going though. I also have always struggled with depression and after my latest alcohol flirtation I realized that even semi-moderation is enough to dissolve confidence and happiness.. leaving me vulnerable to normal life events and paralyzed with unexpected events, as I am in now. I do know with experience though that after you admit to yourself you can't ever drink again and then stick with that for a month or so.. It gets reinforced and gets easier.. I feel bedridden with everything going on but Know it will get better soon as long as I don't drink. If you can, trust that you will feel better, it may help you through this struggle for time. After a bit of time the only struggle should only be not flirting with thoughts of going back.
I am sorry to hear about what your going though. I also have always struggled with depression and after my latest alcohol flirtation I realized that even semi-moderation is enough to dissolve confidence and happiness.. leaving me vulnerable to normal life events and paralyzed with unexpected events, as I am in now. I do know with experience though that after you admit to yourself you can't ever drink again and then stick with that for a month or so.. It gets reinforced and gets easier.. I feel bedridden with everything going on but Know it will get better soon as long as I don't drink. If you can, trust that you will feel better, it may help you through this struggle for time. After a bit of time the only struggle should only be not flirting with thoughts of going back.
My brain is trying to kill me
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Palo Alto, ca
Posts: 401
Hi Natalie, welcome to SR! WE can't dispense medical advice but I can share my thoughts based on experience.
You are shaming yourself; stop denying yourself of the resources available to help you treat the disease of alcoholism. It's no different than denying yourself the resources that have treated your cancer.
Tell your Psychotherapist that the root of your mental issues may be alcoholic in nature, they can get you the appropriate treatment. Your employer can not by law retaliate against you; and they should have an EAP(employee assistance program)to help you find treatment while you maintain your anonymity in the workplace; anything short of that and your employer becomes available for a lawsuit.
You CAN do this, you've alredy proven that and more about yourself through your life journey.
You are shaming yourself; stop denying yourself of the resources available to help you treat the disease of alcoholism. It's no different than denying yourself the resources that have treated your cancer.
Tell your Psychotherapist that the root of your mental issues may be alcoholic in nature, they can get you the appropriate treatment. Your employer can not by law retaliate against you; and they should have an EAP(employee assistance program)to help you find treatment while you maintain your anonymity in the workplace; anything short of that and your employer becomes available for a lawsuit.
You CAN do this, you've alredy proven that and more about yourself through your life journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Bakersfield
Posts: 16
thank you all very very much. the words of encouragement really do mean a lot. I know it's like I always take one step forward and then 3 steps back and I know what you mean about it getting a little easier with time, because after I got sick and for most of this year I didn't even want to drink or feel like I missed it. But all it took was that one day to backslide and it's been all downhill since then. I'm planning to admit myself to a detox program this weekend and then be really aggressive with my follow-up/outpatient care afterwards. I've just got to stop beating myself up about it and try to move forward from here
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