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Wife of an addict here...

Old 07-21-2015, 09:34 PM
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Wife of an addict here...

Hey, all. I'm new to this reaching out thing. My name is Babs. I'm 28 years old and married to an addict. He abuses his prescriptions of Xanax, ambien, and adderall. If he runs out, he visits a diff doc or buys off of the streets. I'm 37 1/2 weeks pregnant with our second son. I'm a struggling Christian wife trying to hold on to my hope for God to heal my husband and my role as a Christian spouse. I'm looking for encouragement, spiritual advice, and comfort. I'm at my end. He lies, has spent all of our money, looks at porn when he's taken meth or adderal, doesn't make love or have sex w me unless he's on meth or adderal, doesn't look at me without clothes on now that I'm about to pop. Stays up for days, sleeps for days, lies and lies some
More. In the almost 4 years we've been together, I've never known who he truly is. I struggle daily with seeing him as God sees him. I struggle with being grateful to God for the man He blessed me with to marry. All I see is he hurt and pain he brings, the decisions he makes are not fruitful or healthy. He manipulates. Doesn't offer any comfort or love or affection. I don't know how to get him to leave, I'd have no way of providing for my boys bc I'm about to have a newborn and all I've ever done is Serve restaurants, clean houses, and babysit. When we first met, I used and abused pot, sex, alcohol, Xanax, cigs, and adderal. God has freed me from it all! I don't know how to continue to lead this role I live with him.
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Old 07-21-2015, 09:52 PM
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First of all, i am so sorry! Im glad you found this forum and have reached out. I too have an addicted husband. I am also a Christian trying to do the right thing. I also was bankrupted financially, emotionally, and mentally. You must reach out. Yes, we want to please God, but we must protect our children. I finally reached out to my pastors. Im not sure about your particular situation, but for myself, God opened the door to return to college-with financial aid. Honey, God will get you through....but you need to protect your babies and yourself. Do you have any support system?
Prayers for you!
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Old 07-21-2015, 09:55 PM
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McMama welcome to SR, you'll find a lot of support here. Do you have any family or friends nearby who can provide you with help?
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Old 07-21-2015, 10:22 PM
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We've moved back to his home town here in Tx. I'm surrounded by his loving mom and step dad. They are a loving spiritual couple, who are very supportive and aren't blind to his shenanigans. We all attend the same church and I am being mentored by the pastors wife. Both the pastor and his wife are recovered addicts, as well. I've reached out asking to sit down with them next week for some
Guidance and instruction. My family, though supportive, are not healthy to be around. The best place for me
And my boys is here. We are very loved by our church family and my amazing in laws. On top of all of this, I found out today after having several mammograms taken of a spot on my breast, that I'm going to have to have a noninvasive biopsy performed. I've asked him this evening to sleep on the couch. My first step at boundaries since I can't believe a word he says to me. I may sleep better with him away. At least maybe this will
Show him that I'm
Beginning to be serious about all of this. Separation is my next step, if possible.
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Old 07-21-2015, 10:24 PM
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I guess I should add that he was in the military for 11 years. We've just moved from Hawaii after being there 1 1/2. Yay got cut short and he was honorably discharged after he failed to stay clean after outpatient treatment there. He relapsed and I took him
To hospital. Chain of command found out and out processed him. So, here we are!.. There, I actually found out he was doing meth and had on and off for years. It was pain pills in the beginning. Then, subprime as well. Now, I don't think it's pain pills anymore. Could
Be worse but needs to be better!
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Old 07-21-2015, 11:25 PM
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Welcome McMama. IMO God will not help your husband until he is ready to help himself. And by helping himself, I mean he must do more than give lip service to the idea of sobriety; he will have to take actions to get and stay sober.

You should check out the "Friends and Family" section on this site. There are posters there who have been down this same road; I'm sure they can offer very good advice.
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Old 07-22-2015, 01:39 AM
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Oh my goodness, you have just told my story! I'm at a loss, don't know what to do or where to turn! I've alienated my friends and family trying to keep these struggles private. I've lost everything I've worked so hard for all of my life in 4 short years. My career, savings, home, car, but most importantly relationships with my family and friends all because I fell in love with someone who I found out was an alcoholic/addict.
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Old 07-22-2015, 04:19 AM
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Welcome McMama
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Old 07-22-2015, 05:32 AM
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Welcome to the Forum Babs!

I had just finished up posting on Tkhsgh's thread when I came across yours with a similar situation, it's far from easy dealing with all this aswell as expecting a newborn, it really is, but it comes back to support for YOU in all of this.

I'm not much of a believer when it comes to God, but don't let such a belief excuse or rationalise away your husband's actions, "blessed" with someone who " manipulates" and "doesn't offer any comfort or love or affection" seems like a bit of a contradiction.

Looking in from the outside at someone else's addiction can be a very lonely place, you'll find loads of support here on SR, also Al-anon is a great place for face to face meetings from my own experience.

People do change, though they have to want that change for themselves, but the question is what if they don't change? don't let your own life pass you by as a result of someone else's addiction.
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Old 07-22-2015, 06:09 AM
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I've never known who he truly is. I struggle daily with seeing him as God sees him. I struggle with being grateful to God for the man He blessed me with to marry.
Did you marry someone other then an addict? Do you know who that someone is?

Compassion: "once you see the face of God you see this same face on everyone you meet"

1 Corinthians 13
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

It sounds like your on the right path and you have a good support system around you. It sounds like your struggling. I dont know the right answer for you but I know God can move mountains. Overnight it could all turn the corner for you or not. Things are they way that they are and probably are exactly how they should be God has a purpose and a plan.

Sometimes I think its important that we do what we should do and allow things outside of our control to be and allow God to handle those things. When we try and step in and handle stuff outside of our control is when the struggle ensues.

My point is in this moment at this time I'd consider focusing your energies on your kids and yourself. They need the best of you. And there needs are something you can satisfy etc.. something you do have some power over etc.. It will make you feel good about yourself and give you a sense of accomplishment.

Dont leave him by the wayside but dont burn yourself out on his nonsense either. the support system is there if he chooses to take it etc.. Try not to stress yourself out too much in the meantime you have more important things like this new baby coming you cant be allowing his shenanigans to get to you at a time like this.

He is still your husband however and you have to be his wife you made promises to each other etc.. But if he's going to toss his promise out then I'm not sure what to say.

I was a drunk I never beat my wife or somthing like that but she did tolerate my crap for well over a decade. I have no idea why. I dunno that iw oulda tolerated the same from someone else which saddens me becuase I feel i almost deserve it ya know. But she stuck by me through thick and thin and numerous kids (we have 6) and here I am with 4 years sobriety so good things do happen.
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