My Mother Died
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 205
My Mother Died
I tired to think of a better title but....that is what happened.
Now it is about how I move on.
My mum was my best friend and filled my life with joy but deep in her heart I knew she ached and wanted me to move away from the drink.
So here I am at that crossroads or double edged sword as you could say.
Drink to ease the pain or not drink to try and give myself a better chance at life. I am not here to ask for a magical cure as I know it isn't that simple. I am just curious of how people moved on or gave up their dependency. In (my) head alcohol appeals as a helpful but destructive crutch at the same time.
I gave up for over a year previously but I am scared through sheer grief will push me back to a dark place.
Now it is about how I move on.
My mum was my best friend and filled my life with joy but deep in her heart I knew she ached and wanted me to move away from the drink.
So here I am at that crossroads or double edged sword as you could say.
Drink to ease the pain or not drink to try and give myself a better chance at life. I am not here to ask for a magical cure as I know it isn't that simple. I am just curious of how people moved on or gave up their dependency. In (my) head alcohol appeals as a helpful but destructive crutch at the same time.
I gave up for over a year previously but I am scared through sheer grief will push me back to a dark place.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Hi Dean, I'm sorry to hear of your loss.
Why don't you try and honor her life by taking good care of yours? After all she would probably like that right? Try and find support through this time. When I lost my only loved one I had nobody, my family isn't close. If you have good family I'd say stick by them. Let them know you are struggling.
Why don't you try and honor her life by taking good care of yours? After all she would probably like that right? Try and find support through this time. When I lost my only loved one I had nobody, my family isn't close. If you have good family I'd say stick by them. Let them know you are struggling.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
(((Dean))).
Just take it a day at a time--even a second at a time. Tell yourself "I don't drink." Keep yourself busy. Avoid tempting people and places.
Hang out here on SR. There is great fellowship from a lot of people who have already been where you are and have succeeded, and many who are in the same boat as you right now. If you hang around and read, you'll learn a lot and get better in sobriety.
Just take it a day at a time--even a second at a time. Tell yourself "I don't drink." Keep yourself busy. Avoid tempting people and places.
Hang out here on SR. There is great fellowship from a lot of people who have already been where you are and have succeeded, and many who are in the same boat as you right now. If you hang around and read, you'll learn a lot and get better in sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 24,200
I'm sorry for your loss.
She will be so happy if you make a good life. I believe they continue to watch over us from the other side.
I agree with LBrain, honoring her is the right thing to do.
Why not look into a grief support group? Call your local hospital.
She will be so happy if you make a good life. I believe they continue to watch over us from the other side.
I agree with LBrain, honoring her is the right thing to do.
Why not look into a grief support group? Call your local hospital.
It would be a great tribute to her if you stayed sober. It would honor her memory.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I am very sorry, Dean. I also just experienced something similar, but about my father. It really sucks and I understand the thoughts of acting out using our old dysfunctional coping mechanisms... I have been getting thoughts like that off and on myself in the past week or so. What I've decided to do about it is to amp up my recovery regime and other forms of help/treatment that work well for me -- better to do these in excess than starting to drink again or do other obsessive/harmful things I used to do. If I may recommend something to you to help go through this period, that's what I would suggest. Also, try not to fight/avoid the pain and feeling the darkness as that might lead to acting on it when and in ways that would just hurt you more.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 205,707
I'm sorry Dean.
Please allow yourself to grieve - it's a natural response to losing a loved one - we grieve, we get through it, and we keep moving forward.
Drinking will only put that off - it doesn't deal with the pain at all - the pain just keeps coming back again and again like a wound that never heals.
If things are overwhelming you, would you consider grief counselling perhaps?
D
Please allow yourself to grieve - it's a natural response to losing a loved one - we grieve, we get through it, and we keep moving forward.
Drinking will only put that off - it doesn't deal with the pain at all - the pain just keeps coming back again and again like a wound that never heals.
If things are overwhelming you, would you consider grief counselling perhaps?
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 174
Dean - I am so, so sorry. Please know that even as a total stranger half way around the world my thoughts are with you.
I'm not going to tell you what to do or how to act. This is a deeply sad and personal time for you.
I'm not going to pretend to relate to such an event. I just wanted to share something about me, as it's what I do know. I think you and I are about the same age, and like you my mom is my best friend. About 4 years ago we started seeing signs of memory loss and as this continued it got increasingly worrisome. Regardless I always held out some hope it was just "senior aging" as I was sure she was simply too young (around 67 at the time of initial symptoms?). Last holiday season I went home and came to the stark, brutal realization that my mom was absolutely, without question in the moderate stages of Alzheimer's. The smartest, most amazing person I know had lost her ability cook meals, operate her phone, recall the names of her grandchildren. She know longer new my birthday... such a small trivial item, but something that had a profound impact on me. Alzheimer's is an incurable disease, and it's much more likely than not I will lose my best friend to a long, difficult, painful journey where her body outlasts her mind. It's a disease called "The Long Goodbye" for good reason.
I went into a grieving process of my own, which is common for family members of those faced with this. And I did all I know how to do - I drank. A lot. I clearly increased my already high intake...
It took an already painful event and simply surrounded it with an additional layer of... confusion? Like, I felt the pain, but had no ability to actually process it. The alcohol didn't even really sedate me, it just sort of paralyzed me in this haze of sadness.
Anyway, this is your experience and your pain and your life. But just from my experience, alcohol restricted me from doing the one and only thing you can do in such an event which is to feel it and eventually move forward with some clarity.
I'm not going to tell you what to do or how to act. This is a deeply sad and personal time for you.
I'm not going to pretend to relate to such an event. I just wanted to share something about me, as it's what I do know. I think you and I are about the same age, and like you my mom is my best friend. About 4 years ago we started seeing signs of memory loss and as this continued it got increasingly worrisome. Regardless I always held out some hope it was just "senior aging" as I was sure she was simply too young (around 67 at the time of initial symptoms?). Last holiday season I went home and came to the stark, brutal realization that my mom was absolutely, without question in the moderate stages of Alzheimer's. The smartest, most amazing person I know had lost her ability cook meals, operate her phone, recall the names of her grandchildren. She know longer new my birthday... such a small trivial item, but something that had a profound impact on me. Alzheimer's is an incurable disease, and it's much more likely than not I will lose my best friend to a long, difficult, painful journey where her body outlasts her mind. It's a disease called "The Long Goodbye" for good reason.
I went into a grieving process of my own, which is common for family members of those faced with this. And I did all I know how to do - I drank. A lot. I clearly increased my already high intake...
It took an already painful event and simply surrounded it with an additional layer of... confusion? Like, I felt the pain, but had no ability to actually process it. The alcohol didn't even really sedate me, it just sort of paralyzed me in this haze of sadness.
Anyway, this is your experience and your pain and your life. But just from my experience, alcohol restricted me from doing the one and only thing you can do in such an event which is to feel it and eventually move forward with some clarity.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,678
Hi Dean.
I'm sorry to read about the pain that comes with losing your mother.
Perhaps the most important aspect of working through both grief and sobriety is getting reliable and consistent support. We're not built to go through either process alone. I hope you can reach out and get the support you need.
Sending comfort your way.
I'm sorry to read about the pain that comes with losing your mother.
Perhaps the most important aspect of working through both grief and sobriety is getting reliable and consistent support. We're not built to go through either process alone. I hope you can reach out and get the support you need.
Sending comfort your way.
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