When to tell the one you love...?
 

Hello,

I am as certain as I can be that I have stopped drinking forever.

I'm 44 days in, with only one worrying wobble ( one week ago ) , which was swiftly dealt with by me posting here and getting help from all of you.

Life is demonstrably better in every way and I genuinely have no desire to go back to drinking. I am also truly scared of what might happen if I did, and I am also selfish enough to never want to have to go though another withdrawal.

So that's that. I am walking on a path towards sober happiness and not ( as in the past ) 'giving up drinking for an unspecified period '.

The issue is this.

I really want to tell Mrs Fradley the good news. I know she will be delighted and supportive - and also relieved to know this time it is for real.

But, when I look at it from her point of view - how could she know that I am as certain as I am ? Does it matter ?

My fear is she may unwittingly say something dismissive, negative or maybe even slightly less that 100% supportive - and if this happens I'm not sure how I will react.

I am worried it may turn out to be a trigger - get amplified into one of those " no-one cares, so what's the point? " internal conversations.

As I write this, I think that even if that did happen, I doubt I would go as far as actually drinking alcohol, but it may cause me a day or tw of anxiety and misery I can do without.

So, dear friends, I would welcome your advice

Choice 1 (go for it): Celebrate my good news with Mrs F now.

+ve = I will have a supportive wife as well as SR to strengthen me against the AV

-ves = A dismissive response from Mrs F would have the opposite effect

or

Choice 2 (wait): play it safe and get 100 days under my belt.

+ve = 100 days will be way beyond any previous PB ( 70 days ). So I can have evidence 'that this time it is for real '

-ves = I have to keep my secret for another 55 days and postpone any celebration and healing


Its tricky because I feel I am gambling with my AV here. Which tactic would stifle the beast more quickly ?

Thanks

Fradley

Personally, I'd go for option C. "I know I have a problem with alcohol, but I've proven to you over the last 44 days I'm truly serious about quitting, and I'll continue to do everything in my power to ensure I'm sober every day for the rest of our lives".

Congrats on 44 days. That's awesome!

Not sure how great my plan was but I got sober on the sly. I'm sure my guy noticed but he didn't say anything either. After the dozens of times I declared that I wasn't drinking anymore and then ending up at the liquor store within days (or hours) who would've believed me? I knew I wasn't going to drink anymore but he must have been wondering if it was too good to be true.

I have a very close friend out of state who I waited until a year to tell I don't drink anymore. Boy that felt great to tell him "I haven't had a drink in a year." I started verbalizing it a few months in to some people.

I think this is a situation that's totally individual and there's no wrong way to do it as long as you're not drinking alcohol. I'm sure lots of people tell their significant other the morning after a blackout in the hell of a hangover. I just wanted to test the waters and prove to myself that I was really doing it

I think you might be giving too much leeway to your AV, inner addict, evil twin, or whatever you want to call it Fradley :)

Let me explain - I'd tell my wife because she deserves to know.
(I'd wager if your wife is anything like mine she knows *way* more than you think anyway)

Whatever reaction you get is what you get - her honest reaction.

If your AV decides to run with whatever transpires - SQUASH IT LIKE A BUG, man.

You're in control, not your AV :)

D

There's the option of letting her notice, which that ship has probably already sailed!!

When I got Sober I didn't tell any of my close family, those were the ones genuinely worried about my drinking and used to comment on it, but rather than any announcement, I went a month, then 6 months and after a year they'd seen me at Xmas, New Years, Birthdays, Weddings, a whole range of events not drinking.

The proof was in what I was doing (or not as the case was with drinking) and I remember one of my family mentioning you don't seem to drink anymore, I'm happy for you, there was no question as to why, just a genuine (probably relief) comment.

I'm sure she already has noticed or spotted something is different this time, family were great at noticing our drinking, so they're in a great position to notice our Sobriety!! :)

One thing I know from experience is that sometimes announcements or proclamations can backfire.
I would just casually say to her that you feel confident you are going to stay sober always. Don't make a big thing about it.
I like option 'D' as well, actions speak louder than words.
Congrats on getting sober and good luck.

I would definitely try not to put too many expectations on this - I think telling the people closest to us is normally a good idea for lots of reasons (support, just honesty of where you're at, I find it harder to start drinking again if I've told people I stopped, etc) but they're entitled to have doubts and I think something I didn't understand the first time(s) I quit was that those people closest to us are dealing with their own issues and hardships, and also that I need to do what's best for me, for me.
even if they say something dismissive (and most closest to me have) it shouldn't impact me too much and I should just keep on doing the best I can
I've stopped trying to get people to see how things are different this time etc because time has taught me 1. Even I get that wrong and 2. They'll never be in your head so it will only ever sound like you're trying too hard to make some grand gesture that they've probably heard before

I vote be honest but don't pressure them to respond a certain way, and try not to expect too much

The first time I turned down a drink, my husband was like, ??? I could hardly keep it from him. So I told him that I'd decided to quit for now, and he said, Well, the thing that worries me is that you've said that before, and you only feel guilty and terrible when you start up again.

That was a depressing thing to hear, although true enough.

But I told him that this time feels different. It does feel different. But I can't convey that to him. I just have to show it with my actions.

I still haven't told my girl friends. I hope they're not too upset and stop calling me. I need my friends right now!

Anyway, I feel for you. xoxox

How has she not noticed in 44 days? She totally knows! Women know everything fradley lol

LOL.....She knows. I am sure she is happy and afraid to say anything for fear of setting you back. You are doing great. 44 days is awesome. Keep on keeping on. I am proud of you.

I did tell my closest family members and later close friends about not drinking pretty quickly into my sobriety because I felt that I needed the accountability. Usually my inclination not to say anything, was my AV wanting to leave the backdoor open for me. That being said, I am a true believer that actions speak louder than words. So whatever you decide to do, it really isn't for her, it is for you. She will enjoy your actions if you stay sober and thus, she really doesn't need to hear it from your mouth.

Deciding to better your life shouldn't need to be a secret. You know I've paid close attention to your journey here so far and you are most definitely on the right track.

This situation is obviously bothering you, so I'd go ahead and say something. But here's the deal--you need to have no expectations of what she's going to say or do back. Don't just manage your expectations--let them go as best you can.

You have no idea or control over how she's going to react. She may be enthusiastic and be wholeheartedly on your side. She may think or even say she's seen it before. She may be thinking that you're just doing now what you should have been doing for years. Her reaction is completely out of your control. Put the news out there and then just let it go and keep doing what you've been doing for the last 44 days.

You're doing great, Fradley. Keep on keeping on!

I would go with Option C.

My personal experience is I told my hubby so many times that I was staying sober and then I didn't... I decided it would eventually show in my actions and behavior. That would be enough.

44 days, fantastic!!!!!!

It might be helpful to prepare yourself in advance to hear negatives from anyone, period, and plan a positive, self affirming reaction ahead of time.

Beat the AV down before it rears up. :a043:

Way to go, Fradley!!! :scoregood

This !

Well done on 44 days! Great start!!

After 30+ years of drinking with the last few years pretty much a daily occurrence my words/promises really did not mean a lot. But, did have a brief conversation as I made a decision to seek outside help - that was a first and there was no point in trying to cover it up or be deceitful about it.

If I had simply stopped, it would have been very apparent to my wife I had not been drinking!!!! Even a day or two she'd have known something wasn't right. Probably think I was dying!

You know you're situation like no one else. But proclamation or no I find the best tact is humility in all these type of things involving alcohol. If you are an alcoholic like me, that is something that is learned and not innate.

Glad your're here with us - keep up the good work, friend!

Thank you everyone -

I think Troy put it quite beautifully in the first reply - Troy can I employ you as a speechwriter, or my official spokesman?

Yes, Mrs F has of course noticed, and I have vocalised the "I'm not drinking" words, but left it at that... not wishing to complete the sentence with "... and I'm getting help to make sure I never drink again". It was that last bit I have been struggling with.

On balance, I think it will be healthier for me to be honest about what I am trying to do here. Its a big deal and we should be sharing it.

The initial reaction doesn't matter, what matters ( as you have all elegantly pointed out ) is me seeing it through and demonstrating my new sober ways each day.

Generally, I tend to stick to the Class of June with my posts, but it is great to put something out there in this forum and hear from other SR people. Thank you for your support :)

Fradley

PS SansaS - Women know everything ? Looking back on my life, I think you could be on to something there. Suddenly everything makes sense !

Well, since you asked for advice, I will offer mine. Keep it to yourself. Its going well at 44 days, don't rock the boat. This journey is yours, and yours only. Eventually she'll notice or bring it up. Then you can share what you feel appropriate. But that's just me, and I'm not sure I'm normal. haha.

My husband did not realize the extent of my drinking. Toward the end, I was no longer a sloppy drunk. I know many think that that was in my head, but no, the people I've talked to, now that the cat's out of the bag admitted they did not know I was basically pounding around the clock. I'm sure there were times were it got out of control, but for the most part, he did not know. He knew I drank and at times found the forgotten pints and half-pints but he thought it was on again off again. After some alcohol induced fights that resulted over nothing but my drunkenness, meaning, I got angry about something petty, I almost told him but I was too embarrassed because it was basically my life. I was trapped in a nasty box. He just came around to thinking that was my personality.

The gig ended when I went on a bender and suffered from what would later be diagnosed as alcoholic acidosis. I had ataxia and finally fell to the ground and couldn't get up. Mind you, I was eight hours out of the drink and trying to self-detox with xanax. He realized something was totally amiss and forced me to ER where I then went to ICU and then a regular floor. finally, it all came out. I hid it well for years.

I didn't exactly plan to tell him. I'm only 13 days out, but I've been confessing things that seemed puzzling at the time. Telling him why I didn't want be the driver anytime, why I was always going to garage, or running to the store so frequently to refill my half pints. He says he's shocked at what a different person I am.

Good luck.

Hello,

Just an update here.

I have decided to keep my intentions to myself. ( Thanks thomas - maybe you are more normal than you think :) )

I tell myself this each day - " I am not going to drink today, no matter what happens ", I check in here early, a couple of times during the day and sometime before bed ( sometimes in bed ).

This is working. I'm sober. I am so much happier. Whatever issues remain I am able to deal with sober.

Mrs F can see this too. There is no need to make any great claims or predictions on my part. I know where I'm headed and that is all that matters.

Notgonna... Thanks you for sharing. Most of my drinking was not hidden, but I think I can see that many many more of the problems we have faced have been caused by my addiction to alcohol, and this is to my great shame.

Anyway. Day 65. I'll review this again in a month or two