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Old 08-30-2004, 11:54 AM
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Unhappy Help!

Hi all! I had been doing so great, but Sat night my wife and I got into a huge argument and basically she told me she hated me and called me all kinds of names, I just stayed quite till she was done and then I left and ended up drinking, I came back home and (not remembering) started screaming and yelling at her. We made up yesterday and she was sorry for pushing me so hard in my first week of recover and I apologized for drinking. The problem is I feel sick to my stomach about it, about that fact that I drank and tried so hard not to yell at her but I failed, I am just really down and don’t know if I will be able to get back up from this one. Should I just let it go and move on and if she leaves me not worry about it or do I try and stay with her when there is potential for another blow up and yet another reason for me to drink? I want to stop, I have to stop for me not her or our relationship.

P.S. After Sat night I have not picked up another drink but it’s twice as hard now.
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Old 08-30-2004, 12:11 PM
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Hi Speedy - first, kudos for not drinking since Saturday. Part of recovery is living life on life's terms and not running back to the bottle or the drug when stressful and upsetting things happen. Don't be too hard on yourself - you made a mistake, but take a lesson from it that you can apply in the future. Fights with loved ones can be triggers - what will you do differently in the future? People say all kinds of mean things in the midst of an argument - if you and your wife have kissed and made up then I'd let it go and move on - it's a new day with all kinds of possibilities!

Hugs!
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Old 08-30-2004, 12:12 PM
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Hi Speedy,

I'm Anna, recovering alcoholic and in my opinion, the only way to gain strength over the cravings is to not drink. Each time you beat a craving, you become stronger. Try to not blame yourself for drinking. The guilt will only make the situation worse. You've been sober since Sat so build on that.

I think when you're trying to get sober, you have to put your recovery first and take care of yourself. Ultimately you can't let your sobriety be affected by your relationships.

I'm glad you're back on track and I hope you keep posting.

Love, Anna
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Old 08-30-2004, 12:26 PM
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Thanks for the kind words, I know my recovery comes first, I tell myself that everytime I think of haveing a drink. I am just scared for it to happen agian, maybe I can learn from this last one and aviod it if I feel it coming on.
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Old 08-30-2004, 12:29 PM
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That's it Speedy. Margo is right. You have identified arguments with your wife as a trigger. So, you can prepare. What will you do if it happens again? You need a plan to do something like going for a long walk, listening to music, something to fight the stress.

Good luck, you can do this!

Love, Anna
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Old 08-30-2004, 12:38 PM
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Hi Speedy, I'm SWC, a Co-Dependant and an Al-Anoner. I echo what Margo and Anna have posted, but from the other side of the fence.

You now know of a trigger, you need to remove yourself from the trigger next time it "goes off", or is about to.

As my A told me, a very long time ago...if we broach near an argument, always know that I (me) will always be right. In other words, he will walk away so as not to get angry, not to feel the trigger. He also wanted me to understand that he is not walking away from me, or the issue at hand, but he's walking away from the trigger until he is confident in himself that we can have a calm discussion to resolve the issue. He knows we can't bury everything that might become a disagreement, but I know that there will be times (not all the time, I'm sure) that "now" is not the time. This gives us both a chance to really decide if the issue at hand is even worth the slightest bit of angst. I have found in myself that the answer is "no". I know I can't cause him to drink or use again but at the same time, pushing an issue about something that may be unimportant (in the long run) is ill-advised for both of our recoveries.

Perhaps you can a similar resolve, albeit temporary, to your wife? Send her our way, over to the Al-Anon boards and she won't feel so alone (if she does) and maybe get some ideas of her own.

Welcome, and keep on, keepin' on.
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Old 08-30-2004, 03:35 PM
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Hi Speedy, I can relate I used my wife and my fighting for an excuse for drinking, I hope you don't get mad just telling you what I did. I Think for me when I quit drinking I become on edge and my wife becomes suspicious wondering will I do it this time or go right back to it like I have did so many time before. I don't think she want to get hear hopes up and I sense her doubt. That just gets me mad. another visus cycle.. Again just my thought 3 Days this time.
Jay :soapbox

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Old 08-30-2004, 03:50 PM
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I hear ya jmar, thats pretty much what I did and I dont want to do it but when you get mad everything goes out the window! Thanks
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Old 08-30-2004, 04:10 PM
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It's a new thing to learn to deal with our anger sober. I'm still learning. I as an alcoholic, frequently used anger as a reason to drink. All I did was manage to pis* off those around me. They became angry and the cycle continues.
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Old 08-30-2004, 04:39 PM
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((Speedy)) I hear ya on the anger thing. I think that is the easiest emotion for me to generate, so I used it ALOT to justify my drinking. Always made it someone elses problem and not my own. Now that I've been in the AA program for a while, I really don't get mad all that often! It's wierd, but I like it!!

Good luck to you and just remember, no one and nothing can make you drink!!
It's all up to you!!

Hugs and dancing bunnies, LOL
Missy
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