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07-19-2015, 07:22 PM

# 61 (permalink)

thomas11

Member

Thread Starter

Join Date: Feb 2015

Location: MN

Posts: 8,704

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dee74

I know you're a pretty straight up and down guy, so I'm gonna lay it out with no frilly icing.

Your addiction won, and you let it win.

Calling this curiosity is not a good move. Defending it is an an even worse move.

Trying to plead it was only two sips and you hated it, or pleading that you only used to drink to get drunk so this must be a win is fudging the real issue - there's a part of you that still wants to drink.

What are you going to do about that, Jeff?

D

ETA I guess my post could be misconstrued as having a tone of reprimand.

This is not the post I'd share with someone new in the forum or that I did not know very well - but we go back a ways now and my thought was you'd appreciate straight talking.

I really don't think this is a small thing at all.

This is the kind of thing I used to do.. dancing around on the edge on a razor blade.

I wanted to win the battle my way - my addiction was happy to let me do that because my pride meant I returned to drinking time and again.

I'd already lost the war and poor sap that I was I didn't even know it.

Two sips do matter if you take recovery as seriously as I do now.

Projection?..maybe...

Be smarter than me Jeff.

D

Thanks Dee, I know your response comes from a place of truly caring and you see things that I do not. I wouldn't (and still don't) understand that what occurred was my AV trying a new technique. I thought AV was someone who was just wanting to get drunk really bad. It is obvious from the responses that it is much more complex than that.

ps. I don't mean to single out Dee specifically because I know all of you who contributed to the thread care, or you would not have done so.

07-19-2015, 07:31 PM

# 62 (permalink)

Dee74

Administrator

Join Date: Apr 2007

Location: Australia

Posts: 211,380

It is a lot more complex than that.

Like Courage said - my descent would be something like smelling peoples drinks, tasting peoples drinks...having a mouthful..sipping my own drink, guzzling my own drink - and then back to full pelt.

I even wrote about it years before you came to SR Jeff

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ouncement.html

D

07-19-2015, 07:32 PM

# 63 (permalink)

ScottFromWI

Forum Leader

Join Date: May 2012

Location: Wisconsin, USA

Posts: 16,945

Quote:

Originally Posted by thomas11

I thought AV was someone who was just wanting to get drunk really bad. It is obvious from the responses that it is much more complex than that.

The AV or your addiction will take anything it can get. This time you only has a small amount, but it's already trying to tell you that it was OK. That of course plants the seeds in your mind that since a couple drinks were OK, a couple more another day wouldn't hurt. And if a couple weren't bad, a few cant be much worse. And so on and so forth. It's a cunning thing...that addiction.

07-19-2015, 07:49 PM

# 64 (permalink)

Soberpotamus

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Join Date: Jun 2011

Location: The Deep South

Posts: 14,636

To put the complexity of addiction into perspective ... there are times I am sent reeling mentally when I use rubbing alcohol on a bug bite. Not in danger of drinking it, but just pointing out that the smell, the presence of alcohol of any sort ... it sometimes takes me by total surprise, how it activates that part of my brain, it really lights it up. And then I catch myself, steady myself, and even brace myself ... and then I carry on with life. It is as simple or as complex as that. Alcohol of any kind can do me in if I allow it. There is a constant awareness, not so much a "vigil", but at least the awareness that I am someone who can not drink - ever. Not a sip. Not a whiff, not a daydream, not a rumination, not a fantasy. I can't afford to indulge in any of that. In one sense, I see myself wearing armor. I can't take it off safely.