i'm broken apart
 

Hi all this is my first post here. I would like to get some advises possibly.

I need to start from scratch so the story might take i while to read through, sorry.

I assume I'm pretty young as for this kind of trouble I got myself into. I grew up in sort of pathology environment, my father is an alcoholic since i remembee him and there were always a lot of issues at home so to make long story short i tried ty stay away from home as much as i could when i was in my 15ish 16ish. Drinking with friends started around that time and got more frequently. By the time i was 18 i decided to move away from my parents as i couldn't stand it anymore. I tried to manage life the best i could but nothing seemed getting better. I came to the point where less thing brought me happiness and even more drinking came along. I started going down with time as one day i realized it's fine for me to just drink and do nothing else constructive. I had 3-4 week spark with non stop drinking. It got even worse when i started hanging around with people standing by the grocery stores getting some coins from strangers to grab another beer or wine. I tried as much as i could to get myself out but nothing worked. Ever since i started smoking weed things got better. Now I'm on my 5th semester of IT studies, i got myself a job and now im making double the average salary in my country. Smoking helped me to get away from alcohol it was so much easier to give it up. So where the problem lies now is my girlfriend. She is worried sick about me smoking a lot and started persuading me to stop. Well, i tried not to smoke but then it's hard to face the past and this whole reality so that drinking came back. I'm so worried that i will end up just like couple of years back which i hated. I have pretty low self esteem in addition to this whole trouble. How do you guys see it?

Welcome to SR ID its nice to meet you youl find tons of support & advice here

Welcome, ID, if you go into the other Newcomer's section, you'll see the July Class thread, and you'll get a lot of support and advice posting there, too. The stickies at the top of that section are also very helpful.

Hi and welcome -I moved your thread to this forum where you'll find more respiknses :)

I don't think you're dumb :)

Many of us fell into the trap of trying to manufacture happiness through chemical means.

Sometimes we can carry that self medicating behaviour on, even when the rest of our life sorts itself out.

There's a lot of support for people who want to quit alcohol - there's forums like this, recovery groups like AA or some other alternative, counselling, and inpatient and outpatient rehab.

There's also many ways to stop smoking - patches, gum, e-cigs etc.

SR helped me change my life - read around and post as much as you like - we're here to help you too.

D

Welcome to SR! It is one of the best decisions you've ever made!

I've read your post and first of all, I'm sorry about your past. It was tough. But remember, the past is over.

And your present looks pretty damn good. A high paid job, a girlfriend. And your future can be even better.

First of all, the smoking does need to go. The drinking needs to go. You don't drink right now, but would if you didn't have smoking. Given your description, your first step would be to go to your doctor and tell them everything. They can refer you to the right place.

And also tell them your underlying issues. The low self-esteem. The trouble you have with your past. Everything. It needs to be addressed and resolved. There are great counselors and therapists that can help with all aspects, both the underlying problems and the addiction.

You will need to invest time and effort in it, but I can hardly imagine that would be a problem for you, given you're studying IT and have a job. That takes time and effort as well, and it pays off as you have seen for yourself.

So will recovery. If you put in the time and effort, it will pay off, for the rest of your life.

Also, it's a great thing to be a good example for the people around you. I don't know if you want kids of your own one day, but if you do, you need to be free from these problems. And you can be. Take the steps. Go to your doctor and get help.

Good luck to you and stick around! This place is great for support and motivation. I had an alcohol problem and next Wednesday I'll be sober for 3 weeks. And this place has really helped me achieve that. And right now I'm at a point where it's getting easier.

Put in the effort, take the right steps and it will pay off more than you can imagine.

This.

Hi there, and welcome.

I've found that life without weed and alcohol is a lot better, richer, happier, more full and pure.

I got sober using this place, AA, therapy, life changes and earnest work on myself. It's still a work in progress, but life is good, I love myself and my relationships and my character are strong.

You can build a life of whatever you want, it is totally your choice.

My experience has been that building a life of sobriety is far better than a life of dependence.

Stick around. We are here to help.

The point is that nothing seems to bring me happiness. I'm struggling a lot even with what I've got. I have a feeling like I lost so much and I'm trying to make it up. Every time I go to work seems to be a hard struggle. Every time i have to go to my classes I struggle a lot.

I can't motivate myself to do anything "fun" as i don't consider anything to be fun. The only thing that helps me to smile and be happy about anything is weed.

Whenever I'm sober i just lie down and i wouldn't do nothing else. Everything seems to pointless and it's scaring me...

I tried to stay sober for a while but every day seems to be even harder not easier as i feel so depressed :(

I've been attending a therapy once for approximately half a year. It didn't change my way of thinking at all. I felt as depressed as i was before so i decided to quit. It takes a lot of time, money and i didn't see any results. It's hard especially that i have school + full time job it's really hard to find time for anything else.

Welcome to the family. :) It sounds like you're depressed. Have you ever seen a doctor about it? I take antidepressants and it helps my mood a lot.

You'll find lots of support here. I'm glad you joined us. :)

Hi mate

I too am new to SR, so I will not try to guide you. many others here will be much better suited for that.

what I will say is that I too was able to quit drinking with weed, and when I stopped smoking the alchol came back. I would much prefer to smoke weed but my fiance hates it and it can make me very paranoid.

like you I struggle to find enjoyment, maybe we need to find some hobby that gives us mild enjoyment and fixate on that.

Out of interest, which country are you from?

rgds

To be perfectly honest with you I don't feel like taking antidepressants I'm scared of these. I haven't seen a doctor about the depression I mean i was attending a psychologist but as mentioned, it didn't help a bit. I consider this half a year therapy a waste.

Ashash - I'm from Poland the 3rd world country ;) Well I tried to find something that would suit me. I'm trying my best to dig any drop of happiness from what i do but it doesn't work. I bought trick board to get myself busy in the evenings. I bought rollers and i try to go out with my girlfriend but well I don't seem to be sucking much happiness from anything. Whatever i think about seems really pointless. About weed, well it helps me stay motivated for work, school. It really does, but the same issue here my girl doesn't accept it at all and then it gets me paranoid as well. I don't know what to do anymore.

For myself I was thinking of woodworking or something creative.
maybe I will learn how to use blender and create some short animations for my lad to watch.

Your english appears to be excellent, so you can't be that dumb :)

rgds

I think we can let our addictions do our thinking for us sometimes. It is possible to get beyond that type of thinking by looking at our individual situations with a more objective perspective.
You're not dumb, but you sound stuck in addiction. You work in IT , so that pretty much proves you are not without intelligence. Maybe take a step back and look at your situation as if you are discussing someone else, which is pretty much how forums like this work , we hear your situation from you and then give insights from a more objective point of view.
You say that therapy hasn't helped with your depression and you do not want to try medication for alleviation (possible) of symptoms. But on the other hand you say using the chemicals in weed work , but ? I do not know if using weed is legal in your country, what if any implications are there for employment or education opportunities if it is known that you use weed, as opposed to doctor prescribed remedies?
Are you aware of the chemical/brain processes involved in intoxication, the altered levels of which can affect mood during and after long term use? How long have you gone 'sober' in the past ? It can take a good long stretch of abstinence from intoxication of any kind to regain 'normal' levels.
wish you well and hope to see you around

When i attended psychologist I was kind of asked not to use anything so i didn't. I've gone sober for around half a year maybe 5 months. The point is i don't consider weed a chemical. I'm really scared of alcohol and that's mostly what I'm trying to avoid. You are absolutely right, weed is not legal in my country and that's another thing bugging me so so much. I don't feel any kind of freedom and I'm the person who doesn't obey if i consider it stupid. If i was to obey every regulation i consider useless or stupid i would be nothing but a brainless machine without my own opinion. That's how i see it. About the job, I try to improve myself each day so that my employer respects my work. Even more than that, he knows I'm smoking but i do a good job therefore it doesn't bother him, why would it. Job done is done, that's what i'm expected to do. The very reason I'm in here is my girl who seems to be getting worse and worse about the topic and now i'm kind of stuck as weed was the only thing bringing a bit of happiness into my life and yet i would never want to lose her over this...

Welcome imdumb to the light of SR!

Keep processing your thoughts and fears here, it will help you immensely and there's no shortage of similar experiences, compassion and ideas.

Stay with us.

Sorry to sound like a motivational poster, but happiness is a journey rather than a destination you reach and then everything is perfect. You've overcome a lot; family troubles, destructive drinking, a life that could have seen you homeless, and look at you now! Good job, education, girlfriend, and a plan. OK you have some depression - join the many people who have suffered from it at some time in their lives.

So my suggestion is to talk to a professional about your mood and depression. Sort that, which may take a while, ease off on the weed as much as you can.

You're obviously not dumb, and you have something precious, which is a drive to improve yourself so I think you'll find your way out of this.

A.A. Meetings in Poland - Alcoholics Anonymous C.E.R.

maybe an AA meeting and working those steps to get past your past?

How did it come about that your boss knows you smoke weed?

If you think weed is not a chemical and okay for you, then it's not likely that you will be able to stop smoking. And, if you do decide to stop smoking you will need to do it for yourself, not your girlfriend.

Why not take a look around here and read and see what others have done? Living a sober life is a wonderful experience.

Welcome to the Forum!! :wave:

A long time ago I was talking to a woman with clinical depression. She said: "I can't enjoy anything anymore." Sounds familiar to what you're describing.

Also sounds like something for a psychiatrist. There are really good medications that make the depression get a lot less bad. And even disappear. I know since I've had a depression and medication for it. Based on the medication, you are in a much better place to work on it with therapy. If it's a real depression, just therapy often won't work without medication because the depression is too heavy.

I needed to be on medication for about a year. The first two weeks it got worse (which is common) but after that I started to feel a lot better. And when I was ready to get off them, it took about a week of withdrawal but I kept feeling good.

So ask your doctor about that. This is not medical advice, it's just my own experience. You doctor can determine what to do with it.

Really, go see your doctor and tell them everything, including the fact that your previous therapy didn't help. There are different options and sometimes you need to try out different ones to find the one that works for you. That's true for the medication as well btw. I was lucky to get the right one right away, but sometimes you need to try 2 or 3. It depends on the person which one(s) work best.

It not a difficult process though. You just take them and see what happens.

And... should you get meds, keep using them as long as your psychiatrist/doctor says you should. There's this phenomenon that happens a lot. It's when people get on the meds, feel good and think that they don't need them after all. So they quit and get depressed again... You really need to take them long enough for your brain to react to them so that the effect can last.

And some people need them for the rest of their life. Which isn't bad. They're fairly harmless. And it's worth living a happy life.

Again, not medical advice, just what I know from experience and what I've heard from other people's experiences.

So... Take EVERYTHING (including this post), put it all together. Write everything down, literally everything. And take that with you to all your appointments. Take the time to tell them everything. And if something changes, adjust your notes.

It is really important that they know everything. It makes an enormous difference, trust me.

Good luck! Most people get better. I once asked a therapist why she was so happy all the time with all these people feeling miserable and being schizophrenic around here. She said: "You know that they'll get better." That made sense.