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i'm broken apart

Old 07-19-2015, 09:33 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by toadie54 View Post
Welcome imdumb to the light of SR!

Keep processing your thoughts and fears here, it will help you immensely and there's no shortage of similar experiences, compassion and ideas.

Stay with us.
Ditto from me.
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Old 07-19-2015, 09:55 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
EndGame
 
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Hey.

You seem to divide the world into two parts: People and things that are stupid or potentially harmful, and people and things that are not stupid or that are beneficial to you. The result seems to be that you automatically rebel against that which and whom you designate as "stupid." This makes sense to me, given your history. But this leaves you basing your decisions primarily on what feels good, rather than what might be of most benefit for you. (You get nothing from therapy, and you're afraid of antidepressants.) That's a deep hole that takes some work to climb out of.

THC, a chemical through and through, is the active ingredient in cannabis. If it didn't effect attractive brain changes for you, you wouldn't be using it. Yet you dismiss it out of hand as not being a chemical because it tends to make you feel better. Deciding that someone or something has value based exclusively or primarily on what they make us feel is a large part of how we addicts and alcoholics engage the world. Or attempt to avoid engaging the world.

Many things can happen when we ingest substances of abuse. Very often, our mood, state of mind or state of being is magnified in ways that are only partly predictable. For example, smoking seems to settle you to a certain extent, but it also induces paranoia, an artifact of depression. It also seems to help you to feel more competent and to be more productive. All of this seems to melt away when you're not smoking. This dynamic is referred to as "psychological dependence." You may even believe that you need to smoke in order to do well at work.

I can't make out clearly where you're at currently, but it seems that you complied with your GF's request to stop smoking, at least for a time -- she must have seen something in you that scared her -- and then you went back to drinking. Smoking weed may have made it easier for you to stop drinking, but you clearly still have a problem with alcohol. Perhaps now you're doing both?

The thing is that, both alcohol and weed make depression and depressive symptoms worse. That you experience little or no pleasure in most of your activities, the few that remain, suggests that this is happening with you. As it seems in your case (based on your GF's observations), you need to smoke a great deal in order to get the desired effect, so your tolerance is also great.

At the end of your OP, you asked, "How do you guys see it? "

What you describe as depression and low self-esteem will only get worse with drinking. Though you may find mixed reports around the effects of cannabis relative to self-esteem, the consensus is that, though smoking weed may reveal aspects of one's self-regard, it cannot repair it and typically makes things worse over time.

Other than all that, it seems that you're currently living a life without much joy, that you have little to look forward to, and that you believe that if you were to stop both drinking and smoking that you would somehow be annihilated by the memories of your past. Many people who learn to live a better life with the help of therapy only do so after one or more "false starts" in therapy. If "feeling better" is your goal, than you're likely to be disappointed. And if all you're doing in therapy is either biding time or having "fun," then something's wrong. As is true of sobriety, there are things in therapy that are painful and disturbing, sometimes significantly so, and it's the commitment to work through all of that which can bring us to a better place.
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Old 07-20-2015, 09:11 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Thanks for all your responses guys. I'm back to work now so I don't have too much time during the week. I'm still thinking about the whole topic and hopefully will get some conclusions. Before i start any treatment though I'll try avoid alcohol completely.

EndGameNYC -

well It's not that my GF noticed something weird, she is just scared of the weed itself as she doesn't really know any facts especially that my country is filled with this propaganda lies about narcotics. Her argument is that "when you smoke you are happier and that makes me worried" well kind of silly to me but still. I don't smoke as much as i used to, 3-4 joints a week these days. I used to smoke a lot lot more but i don't feel any strong need for it at all. It's just about the alcohol...

Anna -

Well he just knows, not everything you can hide. Your eyes still stay shiny for couple more hours always and then yet i don't really hide it. I'm the kind of person who doesn't hide his way of life.
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Old 07-20-2015, 09:59 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Welcome , Glad you found this wonderful place . As others have said , Maybe get some therapy and get them bad thoughts out . You have to deal with them , not cover it up with smoking . If you really think about it , you stopped one addiction for another . Before you get more depressed and end up with 2 addiction problems . Than matters will get out of control more.
I know where your coming from both my parents and older brother were bad alcoholics . Was not a fun childhood . I did some therapy to get a handle on that . The strong alcoholic genes caught up with me in later life . I had hope it would pass over me . Good luck
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