Subtle but important change?
 

God morning to you all. I drank a whole bottle of wine last night. The first since I stopped in February. Some of you know I have been drinking maybe 1/2 glasses of wine every few days for a couple of weeks now. Unable to get back out of the pattern...but last night I remember knowing in advance I was going to keep going until the bottle was finished and did. I had more in the house but at least i stopped. It was a harmless binge (except on my body). I just drank in my garden lying flat out looking up at the darkening sky, often crying. Listening to my neighbours in their garden with friends all getting pissed but sounding happy. I wasnt. It all really sucks.

I have just read a couple of other threads and it made me realise that although me drinking again is really bad news...something important is changing in me. I Amy be still drinking on occasion, but I feel I am learning something vital. For years I would drink and do what I hear so many others do - regret it, promise not to drink again only to fail, etc, etc. but it always felt under my control. Always felt like I could just stop - if I wanted to. But I never wanted to and was honest with myself about that. So never tried.

So when i just stopped drinking in February for 70+ days, of course i thought ' i knew i wasnt alcoholic'...knew i just needed to want to stop. But then i couldnt handle the continuous emotional pain i was and am still in - without my tranquilliser.

What has subtely changed or is changing in me is that I am now absolutely sure I am an alcohol and need to just find a way to stop and stay stopped for ever. I feel scared to have realised this. Really scared.

I intend stopping tonight - somehow, attending an AA meeting tomorrow morning (i am going to bite the bullet and attend one nearby)... And maybe an evening meeting too. And take it one day at a time.

I have been watching myself very closely be in relationship with wine over these last few days - lots of things proving to me that I just cannot drink. Too many important realisations to share with you here, but they all point to the simple fact - i sadly am an alcoholic. I need help. Yours and other support from somewhere.

I think that realisation that we are in fact alcoholic is a really valuable one.

It will be even more valuable if you can follow through with some action now, because on the other side of the ledger, you're drinking more..sure it was only once, but it's really easy to step up consumption, believe me.

It would be really good for you if you could rein this in before things get too insane, LB.

Going along to that AA meeting for example, sounds great or posting more here :)

best wishes :)

D

LB ,
alcohol didn't make me happy in the end , just made me miserable , crying into my drink or just passing out within an hour or two ..

I hope you go to that meeting tomorrow / today and see that you're not as alone as it might appear :)
You got all of us too :)

m

Thanks for posting Littlebear, even struggling yourself you are helping others. I have this dilemma too, am I really alcoholic? Can that really be me?
I've managed to stop for a little while now, but the first few weeks were hell, physically and then some more mentally........... sounds pretty alcoholic eh? I can only talk about me of course, but I expect it's safe to say we have an alcohol problem? Others on SR have advised that to attend AA you just have to want to stop, no labels needed.
Lot's of love and luck to you xx

Exactly what D said were here for you LB

Hi littlebear. What Dee said. Please keep us posted. I think going to the AA meetings give some relief to not be alone and to be with others who understand.

I feel your introspection about your substance abuse is spot on...limits or tapering don't work for you.

I'm early in my recovery and I'm always struggling with the notion that I can go back to "just a couple"...the more I talk it out and research around here and in my IOP sessions I don't see it as an option.

Hoping for a lifetime of sobriety for you.

Hi Littlebear,

I'm glad to hear that you are being proactive in going to AA. I hope to that you can deAl with the cause of your unhappiness which seems to underlie your drinking

Hope it goes well for you

Hi Littlebear, I think what you are describing is called surrendering to your disease. Now might be the perfect opportunity to talk with someone who knows a lot about that. I've read about it on this site, and it seems to have helped those who have surrendered. Maybe a private correspondence with someone on this forum will help you. I wish you the very best.

I hope you can find peace and acceptance LB.

Wishing you the best, Littlebear. Let us know how that AA meeting goes please!

As stated...it is good to know exactly what your relationship is with alcohol. Good for you.

Yeah for me the battle of my mind seemed to be the most difficult, really accepting the my issue with alcohol and stopping all those thoughts of I can moderate, just one won't hurt or I'm now cured after a month or so, things will be different!!

That is a great realisation Littlebear!! Keep moving forwards!! :)